Comments

• 29/01/2008 @ 10:27 Wolfie said

  

  Dear willalwayswonder, I think you are new on The Wall - welcome.

  You have made a very important first step by starting to express how you feel. I hope you will keep talking. When did your sister die? Who is seeking forgiveness and from whom?

  You can get to a better place.....

  Love Wolfie

• 29/01/2008 @ 21:49 roze said

  

  I know that for those left behind after a suicide that you are seeking the emotions that will take the longest to come. What other emotions other than the anger you express on another brick are with you now?

• 30/01/2008 @ 05:41 WillAlwaysWonder said

  

  anger at her, anger at myself, guilt for not seeing any signs, guilt because I am not a mother substitute for my niece, guilt because seeing my niece leaves me emotionally depleted when she leaves. I'm fine when she's here but she looks SO much like my sister. There's some fear that perhaps I'll end up like my sister.

  WhiteWolf, Yes, I just found this site a day or two ago. Thanks go out to you and Roze. My sister committed suicide 17 months ago. I know...it's a while ago but I'm still having a hard time dealing. She was always upbeat, never down, always the perfect child even in her 40's and I'm having a hard time believing there was anything wrong with her. I just never saw it. Your question is not foreign to me. I've often wondered if I can't forgive her or cannot forgive myself..for so many things. I think it is the later Wolfie, it's the one that made me cry.

• 30/01/2008 @ 09:44 roze said

  

  Some people are so very adept at putting the face on the pain - that no-one ever sees it. That was certainly true for me. Somehow the outer becomes the way you interact with the world - afraid of what you let alone other people often really feel inside. You almost become like two people. I do not know if this was the case for your sister - but if it was, there is no way that you could have seen what was going on. So is this what you need to forgive yourself for? Or other things? Take care, Roze

• 02/02/2008 @ 17:07 WillAlwaysWonder said

  

  Roze, funny you should post this. I, like you, and apparently like my sister, am so adept at hiding my true self. Most people think I am a very confident, together person or, they did till my sister died. Yet, I've always felt like the biggest fraud in the world. Insecure, afraid of the world, needing to work harder than everyone else in order to look competent. I'm told that most people feel this way but that's little solace. My sister had always been labeled "miss perfect" from the time she was a small child. As we know there's no such thing as perfect. This perfection image was fueled by a husband she had no respect for and a "family friend" who did not have her best interest at heart. I think she could not keep up the image and yet could not show the world what she really was...normal, not perfect. And so, she buckled, couldn't live with it.

  As for what I have to forgive myself for, well, there's so much. I feel guilty at feeling anger towards her. I feel guilty at not being closer, at not being more confrontive with those who sought to isolate her the last weeks of her life. Perhaps I could have saved her. There. There's some real guilt for you.

  We were so competitive our entire lives. Control, control, control. When it finally sunk in that she was dead, I said to someone, "Well, I guess I won." What a loser thing to say. Now, when the fog of disbelief has lifted and I've seen her buried and I'm dealing with the loss of one who has shared the history of my past, I realize that of course, I LOST. We both did. How could I possibly even have thought that?!?

• 02/02/2008 @ 17:42 roze said

  

  Hello - i just wrote a very long response and got timed out - so it was lost in cyberspace! I wanted to say that i am no longer so adept at hiding my inner - last year i cracked up and self harmed - and much of that came from putting on 'the face' of everything being ok. So now i see myself as confident and together - and sensitive and fragile. The outer is not all a facade. And i see - here at least - that you are showing some of your inner feelings.

  I am not going to say 'your feelings are normal' as that is what people do say - does not make them any less felt.

  Sibling rivalry - well what siblings do not compete? I am sure that your sister found that a positive driver in her life much of the time. And as for your comment 'Well i guess i won' - i do not see that as the comment of a loser but the comment of someone in unimaginable pain.

  I feel there is little that you have to forgive yourself for - other than directing too much of your anger towards yourself.

  Take care
  Roze

• 04/02/2008 @ 10:59 WillAlwaysWonder said

  

  I know, Roze. i know. It's so much easier to forgive others their transgressions and let go of your anger than it is to forgive ourselves of our own. Why the hell is that?!? Is it guilts? shame? would'ves, should'ves and could'ves? No, it just occurred to me that perhaps its a "wothiness" issue which I suppose would greatly spillover into self esteem. I mean, if you can forgive others and not yourself does that not suggest.. yeah, I think it does at the core. Roze, you're so smart.

• 05/02/2008 @ 05:22 roze said

  

  You are the smart one - i feel you just made a really important connection there.

• 10/02/2008 @ 02:50 simplesinger said

  

  This is probably one of the most powerful brick on the wall.
  Thank you for your honesty.
  Be my friend?

• 20/02/2008 @ 05:15 WillAlwaysWonder said

  

  Of course, simplesinger, I'll be your friend. We're all close, in a way, here. Without each of our bricks, the wall couldn't stand. Thank you for reading my brick.