Comments

• 27/02/2008 @ 05:39 roze said

  

  Hey there - i have cut - and i know the feeling of seeing your pain visible. You are doing so well with not having cut for 18 months. Yet i hear that you are still struggling. What is going on for you that brings on the hurt? Thinking of you, roze

• 28/02/2008 @ 00:03 Anonymous said

  

  Aww thank you very much... I stress really easily... I get obsessed really easily. There are many things that bring it on... Sometimes it because im home alone.. And i feel that everyone has left me... When I was younger alot of people had left me... Granted its only 3 but all of them were like fathers to me... One of them was actually my Dad lol. But i feel its almost like a complex I have now... But I dont want to disappoint my mom. Because she has done an amazing job raising me and it would kill her to find out that I cut myself instead of coming to her for help...

• 28/02/2008 @ 06:56 roze said

  

  It is so understandable that you fear being left - that has been your 'normality' to some extent. I guess it was not you they were leaving.... And your wish to protect your mom is so very beautiful - yet as a mom i would not want my daughter to protect me - can you talk to her (not about the cutting) but about what you are feeling? It sounds as if there are just the two of you at home. Tell me about some of the other things that bring on your stress and obsession? Here and listening, hugs roze

• 28/02/2008 @ 18:51 Anonymous said

  

  I usually just write about my feelings when im feeling down because it helps release some of the anxiety I guess. But I can only write when I am depressed which really sucks. And I would talk to her about what I am feeling but she would just ask if I am okay and want to know if I would like to go see the therapist again... And I was in therapy for many years...And Im done with that... But the stress.. Alot of it is school. and the fact I dont want to disappoint my mom. Because i am her last child. And my sister screwed her life up and she has high expectations of me... and i dont want to let her down. And the obsession....it usually comes on when I meet someone I really like... And we have good chemistry whether it be friend or otherwise. And I just want to see them all the time and hang out with them all the time... And Ive been really trying to work on balancing out my friendships with people..I dont know what it is its just like when I meet someone knew i want to see them all the time. and I guess I just have alot of personal issues that i need to confront... well i appreciate you writing me on this...

• 28/02/2008 @ 20:05 roze said

  

  Well - that sounds like a pot of pressure on you. How did your sister screw up? I was in therapy for a while but knew when it was done too. Maybe you just need to be able to find the words to say 'no mom i just want to talk with you'. And as for obsession - i don't read it like that sweetheart - i read it as a really desperate need for love - that is just there - with no demands. And yes you do have a lot of feelngs that you need to process. Just keep writing to me here and know that even if it takes me some time to respond - i am never going to walk away. love roze

• 29/02/2008 @ 00:28 Anonymous said

  

  My sister screwed up because when she graduated she had a full ride to a good college but she had gotten pregnant. So she decided to not continue an education and get married to a good for nothing loser. She went on to have another child. and is still married to this guy. Who cant hold a job. Neither can she. She is not a good mother at all. And is the reason that people look down on people who live in low income housing. I mean there are good people who try their hardest to support their family but they need a little extra help. And then there are people like her who live in trashed houses and dont take care of their children and who sit around on the butts all day long doing nothing. And when she was younger she had great potential but it all kind of went down hill. And I know my mom doesnt want me to turn out like that...I know I wont. Because I want to continue my education and be successful in life. And if its not bad enough her husband is sort of a pedophile. He likes girls like 14 and 15 and 16 yrs old. Its really sickening. But my sister just ignores it. I really do appreciate you talking to me... alot. ~Me
  

• 29/02/2008 @ 07:54 roze said

  

  I am so sorry for your sister - sounds like she met the wrong man at the wrong time. It must be hard for you to see your nieces/nephews living around that. And his behaviour around girls is just unacceptable. I hope he does not act inappropriately around you? I can see how your mom must have found it hard the way she has gone. Yet you are not your sister - you may be troubled - but you are clear about what you want from your life - i can hear in your words that you have the appetite to work for what you want in life even if you are feeling pain.

  Do you have any contact with your Dad? And who do you talk to around you. love roze

• 29/02/2008 @ 15:22 Anonymous said

  

  My dad left my mom for another woman when I was 8... At the time he was an alcoholic...After leaving my mom for this other woman...He then became addicted to numerous drugs. and occasionally I would get a phone call...around xmas time or something. but like I said for about 4 years or so I hardly heard anything from him... He tried to come back to my mom when I was 14 but instead he drank more than he ever did and decided to go back to the other woman. Well he sobered up from the drugs anyways when I was 16 because he knew what he did was wrong and wanted his family back because he screwed up so bad...And he has always loved my mom... Well anyways things were going great for my mom and dad that is...I hated him when he was here... I had so much anger towards him and I just wanted him to go away because he expected to leave me at 8 and be gone for 6 years of my life and come back like everything was peachy and be a dad again. well he had been running from the law at the time and it finally caught up with him and he went to prison... that was roughly 2 years ago...He gets on around April 1st him and my mom have been writing back and forth religiously...I couldnt be happier for her... they are getting remarried because they were divorced...And Im happy for him to come home... I dont have very much hostility towards if any...anymore. Im just scared about how things are going to change once he comes home because its just been me and my mom for about 10 years. and the way she raised me is no where near how my dad would of... and Im scared I might start hating him again oh and I talk to you lol... Dont really talk to my mom about certain things... I have really shitty "friends" because most of them are big pot heads... and dont really care to hear about my problems. so yeah... its just me myself and I... ~Me

• 29/02/2008 @ 15:43 roze said

  

  Oh you - i have tears on my face as i read this. What an awful lot you have had to live through. You are so strong that you have survived this let alone that you have the courage to fight for your own future. I so admire you. I had an alcoholic dad - and i can honestly say that alcoholics only have one relationship in their life - that and his addiction to prescribed tranquillisers for more than half a century. I spent so much of my life being angry at my father - and it took until last year and therapy when i could recapture some good memories of him when i was really little. Sounds like you have a lot of your mom's spirit and then some. What an amazing woman she has been to hold on to those she loved as she has. It must feel so very strange for you that your dad now returns - i can imagine a difficult mix of anxiety and hope and who knows what else - well you can tell me. It is natural that you are scared and i guess it may take all of you some time to find a rhythm and be able to find one another again. We are going to be here for you all through that time - so you have somewhere to talk about what you are feeling. Have you got any friends that you can talk to differently? It may be really supportive if you could build a friendship that gives you some daily nourishment. I am giving you the biggest hug possible. Carry on talking - i am gaining a lot from listening to you and talking with you - take very special care. love roze

• 29/02/2008 @ 15:46 roze said

  

  I looked up what i wrote about my dad last year and want to share this with you. I have not shown this to anyone else so i guess it is my 'gift' to you.

  Dad comes home
  See him golden, open faced at the centre of childhood – compassionate, generous, intelligent to the world. Yet unable to live in it, or self – he retreated from both with prescribed drugs and alcohol. Got lost – to him, to us. Came home redundant when I was 16 – sat in a chair – gazing over the garden – started reading cowboy books, watching trash on television - could not leave that comforting space – not for his wife’s funeral – finally for his own.

  Missed for thirty years the conversations of childhood – at eight in his arms driving a tractor and talking of political parties. He was not weak – just scared – none of us helped him, perhaps could have brought him back, didn’t try – I the worst offender. Sorry dad – forgot to say you mattered. Too full of you passing me – invisible to you – on an empty street; forgetting what I studied, rendering mum a slave to your rhythm. Sorry dad – didn’t offer a listening ear, a helping hand, a healing heart. Too full of opening that door to you at 16, watching you beg for more tablets, sliding into your beer glass. Sorry dad – forgot to say I loved you.
  

• 29/02/2008 @ 18:24 Anonymous said

  

  wow... That was really beautiful roze... I do know what its like to have an alcoholic dad... My mom whether she wants to admit it or not is somewhat of an alcoholic... But yet she is my greatest hero and role model. I used to drink alot when i was younger between the ages of 13-17... I dont really drink anymore in fear of turning out like my parents.. And my family. alcoholism runs in my blood... Like i also said before im scared about my dad coming home because he said he doesnt want to drink anymore...Well in prison it is easy not to drink...But out here in the real world alcohol and drugs are all around... I dont like my dad when he drinks...But at the same time we have had some great memories drinking together and the worst... so it is natural to be confused about what to feel. And no I dont have really anyone to talk to... Its sad I know.. But I have recently met someone and I am hoping that he can be the one to offer me the love and support that I need...We are taking it slow which is also a different pace for me... I dont really do anything activities wise...But i do have alot going on in my life emotion wise... Im just trying to balance it all out...Because all of the emotional stress in my life at this point really wears me out and I dont feel like going to school.But at the same time i know i have to because I want to be successful... And Im happy that you shared that with me... It makes me glad to know that somewhere out there I have someone to talk to... and someone who will listen to me... and share things with me... Have a good day and a good weekend...

  ~Me

• 29/02/2008 @ 19:14 roze said

  

  Your words move me. I cannot write much now as i need to be with my child and what i call family. Just to say, i am glad you have someone you feel may be someone that can offer you love and support. You so deserve that. And we will talk again very soon. You have touched my heart. We will continue to share. Love roze

• 02/03/2008 @ 17:32 Anonymous said

  

  Dear Roze I just wanted to see how you were doing today? And how your weekend went spending it with your family... I had a pretty good weekend... And I got to talk to the guy that I like. And he is being very sweet... I really like him... Im trying not to come on too strong. Because I know him and he likes to be able to do what ever he wants... not like see or hook up with other girls. He just likes to hang out with who ever. He has his own schedule and stuff and so it would be like trying to tame a stallion it wouldnt work out. But he is getting a little jealous in his own way... And its so cute and territorial no one has ever really been that way... Like they have always been too overly jealous when there was no reason to be... And he is just being jealous in his own way... and its really cute... But yeah Ill let you go have a great day!

  ~Me

• 02/03/2008 @ 18:15 roze said

  

  Hey there. He sounds like a really lovely person - who can leave space and is genuine and free flowing. Just let what may happen ..happen in its time. Is this the first time you have felt like this about a guy? I hear that it is important to you that someone claims you in their life - you call it territorial - but perhaps it is just about being uniquely visible to someone - seen ..just really seen. And that is rare. And make sure you hang on to yourself - be true to yourself - because you have a hell of a lot to offer - and no-one ever can take that from you. Be you - cos the you i hear here - is a very special person. Love roze

• 02/03/2008 @ 18:51 Anonymous said

  

  This way...this feeling of love and genuine happiness? Yes it is... I mean Ive been in many relationships well what i consider many like 6 or 7... and I have never felt this way about any of those people... and I was never actually able to be like I like that person and that just be that... We always jumped right into everything...and i really want to change that and Im going to do exactly that let whatever may happen, happen in its time... Thank You... Everytime I read what you write to me...I always go Awwww! and its very special to me thanks!

  Love Me

• 02/03/2008 @ 19:02 roze said

  

  We talk again tomorrow - for now - i need to spend a few hours by myself for the first time in a month. I care deeply about who and what you are - and this is a space we have created that just is. Take care sweetheart
  Til soon - a very tired roze

• 05/03/2008 @ 04:44 Anonymous said

  

  Dear Roze, Today has been a very very stressful day... Well in the early morning things were stressful in a bad way I woke up late and just had a lot of bad luck... Well that guy that I was telling you about... He wanted me to invite my other guy friend over pretty much the only one I have... because I had mentioned something about my other guy friend and how he kept flirting with me and insinuating things about sex... when I had already told him I didnt want to sleep with him any more... well I invited the other guy over and we will call the guy I like J. and the other guy P. Well J totally stood up for me... And put P in his place and told him to knock it off and told him that he was a bad friend just all sorts of things... Marking his territory..Well Its a long story and cant really get into all the details. But I thought it was really sweet and whatnot...But I felt really bad for P because I have known him for like 4 years and hes been a good friend of mine.

• 05/03/2008 @ 04:45 Anonymous said

  

  Well then... recently like idk sunday my friends brother had added me on myspace.. and I was like oh cool I havent talked to him for a long time... And I mean we never really hung out or anything so I didnt think to much of it... Well the past few days we have been writing alot back and forth and he had mentioned wanting to hang out... and I was like thats cool yeah we will have to hang out. And I thought he would be just like everyone else and talk about it but never actually hang out with me...

• 05/03/2008 @ 04:45 Anonymous said

  

  And like I said he is my friends brother...I have known her for a few years and even though we dont talk anymore or hang out I have always considered her one of my best friends. Well tonight he was like im soo bored lets hang out and im like umm sure why not... So we went to Applebees which is a restaurant not like a fancy one...But he wanted to have a beer and im not 21 but he didnt want to go to the bar and applebees was close. Well we go out... eat some chips and stuff and have a great conversation and this and that... And he is great lookin guy... He def is not one who has a hard time finding or getting with girls... And im not fat but im not super skinny with blonde hair which is girls he usually dates or w/e well i dropped him off at home... and he texts me and im just getting home when i get it...It says I should of kissed you and all i could think was what?! omg... Why me your hot and all I could think was about J... when he text me this well minus the omg ur hot thing. Because me and J arent exclusive or have the dating title or anything... And i dont know if he talks to any body else... But I really really like him... And I def. dont want to talk to any body else... I mean its almost on the verge of love... But I dont wanna get my hopes up ya know? Well anyways... and we will call my friends brother IA well he kept saying he wanted to kiss me and he should of kissed me... I cant tell J that... i wont i refuse... But at the same time I dont want to kiss IA because of how I fell about J... all this is happening so fast... and IA said while we were talking he doesnt want a relationship and he does his own thing... and so what im getting out of it is he wants a piece of ass.

• 05/03/2008 @ 04:46 Anonymous said

  

  And I like what I have with J and if I did anything with anyone else I would feel like I cheated on him... But like I said before I dont know if J is talking to anyone else...I would definitely hope not...I dont want to ask him either because we are just friends who really really like eachother... and I dont want him to think im jealous or im claiming territory or anything... And again all of this is happening so fast and I have no clue what to do!!! But i dont want to do anything with IA... I want to be exclusive with J.... *sigh* stress. especially because of how J stood up for me today... and he said he would stand at the gates of hell for me if he had to... and that I was as important to him as his brother... but not in like a sister way obviously but thats how much he cares for me... well I wrote alot... Im going to go now I just had to vent...

  ~Me

• 05/03/2008 @ 04:46 Anonymous said

  

  PS.... sorry it took that many but i had to get it off of my chest... hugs

• 05/03/2008 @ 11:31 roze said

  

  Wow - a bit of a roller coaster and you know through all of this you shine out - you are a true person who knows her own heart and where it lies. I feel you have a really strong value base and good intuition and those are great life skills. So - stay with what feels right for you - continue to be around J and i am sure he is picking up how you feel about him because we tend to send those messages even if we think we are not. He sounds like such a lovely person - and standing up for you like that - well it is clear that you need to feel that sort of safety and trust in someone to make sure you are ok. Do you feel you can just tell IA that you are not interested in him in that way - if he just wants a piece of ass let him go find one somewere else - you are so far from being that to anyone. And do you feel you can just continue to be around J and see how things develop - sometimes we want to rush things along - and yet the courtship and growth of feelings are to be treasured as they have us living at our peak. Thanks for taking the time to write it all down - it is good to understand what is going on without having to guess bits. Big hugs, roze

• 05/03/2008 @ 20:27 Anonymous said

  

  Well I told IA that I have mixed feelings about kissing him for the simple fact he is my friends brother... And he said he was bad at rejection... And had said something along the lines of I probably wouldnt be friends with him if he kissed me and I said that wasnt true I just dont know how I feel about the kiss... ya know. And I talked to J today and I asked him if he was talking to or interested in anyone else.. And he said nope just me... And it really made my day... And we are definitely not rushing anything...But my mom says the way things are going it could happen soon. I mean we already are exclusive and not seeing/talking to anyone else... Just not the labels... The way he looked at me yesterday was the most amazing thing... I could see how much he loved me and cared for me... With the glow in his eyes... It was incredible.. Thanks for listening ~Me

• 05/03/2008 @ 20:33 roze said

  

  This brought tears to my eyes. When someone looks at you like that you know that you have a future. Well you hope that you do. It is good not to rush. I am so so happy for you. Please let me know how things are going. Thanks for sharing. love roze

• 07/04/2008 @ 07:18 Anonymous said

  

  Dear Roze,
  Things have been going really well. I got to meet his daughter and she absolutely loves me... I am really happy. My mom and family both love him. And he makes me really happy. And like i said we are doing really well. I just wanted to update you. And ask how things were going with you. He really likes me alot! Like he knows I love his daughter to death. She is really adorable and she really likes me. And his daughters mom likes me... And things are just going amazingly well. I could really see myself marrying him....

  ~Me

• 07/04/2008 @ 08:13 roze said

  

  Hello You, I am so pleased for you. He sounds like a really lovely person and it is great that he gets on so well with your family and you with his daughter. You deserve this happiness. You are a special person. Do keep me in touch with how it all goes. Big hug. Love roze

• 07/04/2008 @ 12:31 Anonymous said

  

  Thank You very very much. A quote from him this lovely morning "I like it here, Because your here" :) I just never thought that i would be this happy... I really do appreciate you listening to me and helping me and what not. You really made me smile through my hard times : )

  ~Me

• 08/04/2008 @ 16:09 roze said

  

  Well life cannot get much better than that! You are obviously as important to him and his daughter as they are to you. That is such a joyful place to be in life. Take care, roze xx