I dug a little deeper, found out some more information and it has lead me to a place I so frequent, but wish I didn't.

My insides hurt in a way that I cannot express and I'm not sure why. I feel a huge horrible loss once again and I cannot make that go away. I think about calling Anna to see if I can get in for this week ... and even though the pain is there and I can feel it so ripe in my heart, I cannot pick up the phone. She is not who I need. I keep checking my email, almost hourly ... hoping that somehow 'someone' 'somewhere' knows how much I really need Dawn and will put something in her, that helps her know this. I am not so fortunate.

Why do I feel like this is a loss? I lost them two years ago. If I close my eyes though, I can feel them in my presence ... and then the big heaping sobs and tears come out. I miss them, very much actually. I understand their reasons, but I am a different person. I am not the person I was two years ago, not even a little. I struggle with thinking I am the same, but if I sit down and calculate, I'm so not. I have grown and have become someone to really be proud of. I am proud of me and secretly hope they would've been too.

I thought they were moving within the state, they aren't. I don't know where they are moving. The only information is 'out of state'. As far as I know, they haven't moved yet. Tonight I came across Melissa's phone number, her cell phone number. I called it. Thankfully, her voicemail picked up and I then hung up. Hearing her voice was comforting, in a way I'm not sure how I'd describe. I called once again, ready to leave a message, just not sure what to say. I don't know what to say. I know I want to say something. I think I was fortunate to come across her number, but don't know what in the world to say.

If she were standing in front of me, I wouldn't know what to say. I suppose I know parts, but not all of it. I would apologize for letting them down. I would apologize for not being a better example. I wouldn't explain what I did - all that is in the past. I would let them know that I regret making the choices I have, but it lead me to where I am and I am very happy where I am. I have worked more on my life in the past two years than I have my entire life. I regret my decisions because I lost so much though. I would let her know that I miss them. I would let her know that I am in no way looking to reconnect with any of them (although I really would like to), just that I've wondered about them the last two years. I have held them tightly in my heart.

Do you think it would be okay to call her up? Do you think it would be okay to leave a message? I'm not sure what to say in it other than ... 'I would really like to talk with you.' ... but I fear that it's not enough. What if she doesn't call me back? Will I be even more broken? Will I regret not trying? Probably.

Just when I thought all the loss' I was facing had come to a complete halt. I thought I would be 'loss-free' person for a while ... apparently not. What if this is my last chance?

By the way, this was our house. It is huge and beautiful. I had never been in a house this large before. My bedroom was on the left hand side above the garage. I stare at the picture and can see exactly what's inside. I can replay the memories. They were wonderful times and I miss that.

If I close my eyes and allow myself to drift off a little, I can replay the memory of N riding her tricycle through the kitchen, living room and dining room, K on my shoulders following her, and S trying to catch all of us. Later that evening, I heard Melissa upstairs on the phone with her friend ... 'I'm so glad Inspire is here. The kids love her so much. I love her so much. Just a little while ago she was running around the house with the kids. She feels at home now, I love that.' That was a good memory.