Comments

• 02/06/2008 @ 12:54 UMxx said

  

  Hey Benj, good one - great photo and great poem. UM xx

• 02/06/2008 @ 21:32 inspire said

  

  I really like the photograph and the poem. I used to write poems, I should probably post one at some point. Many hugs ..
  Inspire xx

• 03/06/2008 @ 09:22 Mebenji said

  

  Why not, Inspire? I like to see the creativity of others too.

  Thank you both. I'm gonna get meself back together, albeit a littl dehydrated.

  -Mebenji

• 21/06/2008 @ 11:55 Jomo said

  

  Please don't hide too far away - I love the water on the glass, and the foggy like beyond. Hope you got you back together, eh.
  Jo

• 21/06/2008 @ 13:22 UMxx said

  

  Hey Jo, Have you seen benji's Where's Wally brick - she might be in there?

  I pop over and check it.

  Cheeers

  umm xx

• 25/06/2008 @ 13:46 Mebenji said

  

  Sometimes I feel forgotten. Just now I do again, and am crying.
  It's only because I think people forgot what I said and I have to repeat, and repeat. It's like, you forget me - where have I gone?

  
  I don't want to need people for that. I'm expecting too much as well - they oughta hav a better memory of me than I do? Bullshit.

  Maybe I'm just scared about tomorrow - my GP might not hear me either or just won't want to help me, not until DrAC returns from holidays. He might listen to him instead. Or I just won't be clear enough, quick enough.

• 25/06/2008 @ 14:20 UMxx said

  

  Hey benj, yes they should have a better sense of you than that. And if they haven't developed this yet then they should have developed some skills - like notetaking that can assist them.

  Don't feel bad because they aren't great at their job. We are not talking about the low paid of the land - they are both handsomely rewarded for the education that we tax payers have provided them. I therefor expect their best not a rote system for you.

  I was thinking before how toey I feel about my appointment tomorrow. I am tired and still writing an effing report that has more internal complications than I am comfortable with. So I imagine that you are feeling quite worked up thinking about the conversation with the Dractor. I don't think that it is ethical for your Doctor to consult DrAc without your knowledge - is it. Mine seek permission at every turn - but they are both women and terribly good at what they do.

  In terms of tactics. Work out your theme. "I am not making any progress with Drac - it isn't a personality conflict - I need someone capable of working more closely with me. I need your help to identify some options for me" Any time s/he tries to divert you, simply restate what you want and say it slightly more quietly but less quickly. Drop you voice a tone if you can. You will be clear enough and you will be firm enough and you won't take any nonsense. After all this is you and your life and they seem to make you feel like you are not in control of it.

• 25/06/2008 @ 14:21 UMxx said

  

  
  If he asks you more questions as a diversionary tactic - I think you should just say - stop treating me like I have no brain - I have come to you as my doctor and requested you assistance - before we continue are you prepared to help me?

  I know this may not sound like you and the way you talk so you can channel me if you want. God know that I have channeled Glenda Jackson on occasions I really have struggled with an poor listener. I wonder if she would agree to play me in our stage play.

  At the end of the day benj there is so much more good in you than there is anything else and I demand that they respect that of you. And if they don't I'll get John Wayne and he posse to ride along the magic mile and circle the wagons around the practice. Yes?

  And the film that Glenda Jackson is in that I love most is Business as Usual - out of production now but really powerful.

• 26/06/2008 @ 11:17 Mebenji said

  

  I'm sorry if I have misled anyone. I was merely venting a stupid, irrational thoughts and feelings I have sometimes. My own memory is shocking, so I am irritated at my feelings of this nature - I mean, to expect people to have a better memory about what I have said to them than I do, is ridiculous! I don't know why I do it. Normally, I don't talk about things like that, because they feel so silly, irrational thoughts and feelings.
  
  Sure, I think DrAC does forget me, forget things I have said and asked for him to do. He's even printed a script for me while I was there for a session and not handed it to me. He's forgotten it. He does take notes, using a laptop. I wonder if he takes enough notes. But I think, someone comes asking something important to them ought to be fairly important to him. I then still, go on in my mind wondering if I am expecting too much, too little, what am I supposed to expect as reasonable?
  
  And I am not even sure if what I've been thinking and feeling lately, I have generalized for everyone, but no one in particular. (Does that make sense? I'm groping around trying to make sense of something which simply may not make sense anyway.) I went to that brick, because I thought, this might be a place where to work out some of these confusing feelings and thoughts. It is a record too, which I would not easily erase. I like the look of that brick, the photo, the colours for the background and writing I chose, even the little poem thing. So, no, I don't want to erase that from BWW.
  
  ....

• 26/06/2008 @ 11:18 Mebenji said

  

  ...

  I feel sometimes I just don't trust my thoughts and feelings. I don't know whether they are a reasonable response to, well, for example, DrAC and how I have felt disappointed by him, when he has told me his memory is bad. It sometimes sounds like an excuse for negligence, laziness, or thinking other people, places, things to do, everything else is more important than me. I feel it is easy for him to forget me, probably because I don't kick up a noisy stink and scare people with an aggressive reaction. I don't complain strongly enough - so I end up feeling I deserve further neglect. In my head I know a Doctor's neglect of a patients requests and needs etc is unacceptable - and I shouldn't keep going back for more.
  
  So, hence the decision now, finally feeling it has happened one too many times, I have asked my GP this afternoon, for a referral to another Psychiatrist. I even asked if he knew of a woman - maybe I won't be intimidated by a woman, maybe I will receive suggestions, instruction, guidance, therapy from a female voice and presence. I have tried to tell myself it shouldn't matter, but maybe it does for some of us, if not most people. I don't know. I wonder if any studies have been done. My only worry at this stage if the woman he has written a referral to, does not remind me of my step-mother. If she does, it would not be workable. If she sounds like her, or looks anything like her, even if she has an American accent, I fear I would build a wall so dense it too could be seen from the space shuttle. Anyway, I don't know how long her waiting list is...some of these people take months to get in to see.
  
  I'm sure to become very anxious now, while DrAC is still on holidays, so I can't tell him my decision until July 16. and see what his reaction will be then.
  

• 26/06/2008 @ 11:28 UMxx said

  

  Well I know that the gender of the people I see make a difference to me. I tend to wrap it up in a rationale that men have their share of the world's worth and I would prefer to pay a woman -but the reality is that I would not be as comfortable talking to a man - kind of obvious in my mind. It took me ages to find Catherine - I keep forgetting all of the duds I encountered and discarded like when I was a kid and tasted lollies that were nasty and spat them out. I think that was a really awful time I knew I needed to work with someone and it was so frustrating just trying to find someone who I thought had a chance of being able to work with me. Maybe it is just luck - and a bit of hard work.

  I hope that when you make a phone call to make an appointment that you are fitted in reasonably quickly - if not then we will be here.

  Maybe our first job is for you to write a short polite letter to DrAc and tell him your decision and then it is done - he is unlikely to contact you in response and will respect you decision. You could put yourself out of misery then.

  Stay in touch UM xx

• 26/06/2008 @ 11:39 Jomo said

  

  Do you have any other support system on the ground, chum? A case worker, anything? Some of the public hospitals have good help-lines to Psychiatric nurses - and of course you can shout at us all you like.
  Maybe you can just write to him as Maid says, and put it out of your mind. I bet you a good lunch out at Southbank that he never even answers a letter like that!
  And not because it is YOU, and you don't deserve to be heard, because that is just crap and I won't listen to that - just because he is only a bloke at work.
  Love
  Jo

• 26/06/2008 @ 11:41 Jomo said

  

  Sorry. Of course I will listen to anything you say, and please you, don't stop talking - I just got a teensy bit carried away there. Oops.

  Jo [shamefaced, hiding under desk...]
  xxx

• 26/06/2008 @ 11:48 UMxx said

  

  Goodness how many of us had sessions today? We are all a bit wired aren't we?

  benj you have been here since I arrived and I think you are wonderful what ever mood you find yourself in - there is still that brick of mine with a safety line if you are drowning. Jo chill sister - you do a great job on the wall and I don't think that there was a need for you to apologise. We all have our moments - the important thing is that we are all here for each other with our other mates and with each other's support we will survive. Chak's TA cheered me up for an odd reason. Jo get out from under the desk now love

  Cheers

  Um xx

• 26/06/2008 @ 12:06 Mebenji said

  

  Hi guys,

  Just how big is your desk, Jomo? I can barely squeaze, quite uncomfortably under mine if I have to get down there to pick up aomething that has fallen. Bloody gravity!

  I've been seeing DrAC Wednesdays. Today I saw the GP. No, have no other supports - just you lot. Promise not to lean too hard. Push me off if I do, okay?

  I'll think about that letter idea. See how I feel nearer that appointment in July. I'd rather tell him to his face, you know. Seems a more respectful way to do it.

  HOWEVER... it also seems strange to let him get paid for hearing that I am going to see someone else. They get paid for ANYTHING, or NOTHING, doesn't matter what happens or doesn't happen in sessions, whether we talk crap or serious stuff or not at all - they still get paid. So, for that reason, a letter does sound like a better idea.

  ((Hugzies)) to yous -Mebenji

• 26/06/2008 @ 12:51 Jomo said

  

  Alright - I LIED! I was not actually under the desk, at all, at all. I was metaphorically under the desk. Which is more comfortable and more doable, and - well, if I get down on the floor, I can't get up, so I don't get down there.

  Perhaps the thing to remember here, really, truly, dear Benj, is that you, YOU, are in control of this therapy. You can choose to see him, or not, write, or not, or just cease to see him, simply cancel the appointment.

  You, dear one, are the boss here. I think that DrAC has confounded you a little maybe, and you have lost sight of this perhaps?

  Who's the Boss? You are! Who's in charge? You are!

  Oo - I sound like a cheerleader. How strange. But - actually, I am pleased to be in your cheer squad, I am too.

  Jo xx

• 26/06/2008 @ 13:48 Mebenji said

  

  Oh, I can just imagine you, short, skirt, high kicking, pom-poms on your walker!
  Thanks Jomo, no matter how many times, nor how strongly anyone tells me I'm in control, I don't feel it. Between you and UM, it's a wonder, huh? I am trying, very, very trying...

  & really tired again, too. Good night, to you both. Don't stay up too late. Especially you, Jomo. Got a hot water bottle? I hope so.

  (((Hugs))) -Mebenji

• 26/06/2008 @ 21:43 UMxx said

  

  And here I am up early. A fairly painful session for me yesterday and I would like to crawl into a space - like under your desk I think Jomo - and hide out for a bit.

  Just dropped in to see you and how you are going.

  You know what benj? I don't think it is possible for you to lean to hard. Don't think me rude but I am not sure that you have learnt to lean. I am just starting to work out that I am still so effing worried about being able to manage all of my stuff I know that I am not a leaner - I am just a door opener - and I stick my little fat nose out occassionally and let a few words escape but my foot and knee are firmly behind the door still. I think maybe we are learning to lean and through that we will work out what we want to be in charge of - like at the moment I think you and I share a need to batten down the hatches but a want to open them up. Hope this makes sense.

  Anyhow lean all you want because one day .. Jomo you have a headstart - not about age is it about a form of emotional widsom? Don't you be going any where eh?

  love you lots

  UM xx

• 26/06/2008 @ 23:47 Jomo said

  

  Naughty Benji! There, you said it - "I am trying, very, very, trying..."

  Putting yourself down to us, tsk tsk. You know, doing that hurts you every time you do it. Every time you make comments like that, even if you are [hmmm...] joking, it hurts you.

  I always used to say to my kids, if no-one is laughing, its not funny, it ain't a joke...

  My dear old Grandma said to me once "Don't ever put yourself down, or make negative comments about yourself. There are lots of other people out there who will do that anyway, so just leave to them, they might get some pleasure out of it, so let 'em have the pleasure!

  Always talk yourself up, because anything else harms your heart. Don't hurt your heart, Benj, look after yourself with as much kindness as you would show someone else that you care about, eh.
  Luv
  Jo xxx

• 27/06/2008 @ 11:09 Mebenji said

  

  Now, how am I supposed to express how I feel if I can't say the way I feel, Jomo, if it is in a negative way, as in that example you quote?

  Um and I are still learning how to learn, to accept and incorporate lessons from others, examples from others - I think we are both who tend to want to figure things out for ourselves, fearing to trust beyond ourselves more. Is that how you feel UM?

  Part of what I deal with is that, like when I tried to learn piano and guitar, my music theory streaked ahead of my practical ability, which seemed to get stuck on the verge of grade 2. Likewise, I know too much it seems, while putting things into practice is what holds me back.

  I'm glad you picked that up, Jomo. I would seriously like to know what I can replace such thoughts with and still express the feelings behind them.

  Are you still under Jomo's desk, UM? Does she got fuzzy slippers on?

  -Mebenji

• 27/06/2008 @ 12:33 Jomo said

  

  Fuzzy purple, of course. Of course you are entitled to express the way you feel. Just if it is in a negative put-down that doesn't mean anything, really - just a little thing that people say, half-joking...

  You don't feel in control - that is a clear and honest "I" statement. We all understand how that feels for us, so identify with it.

  That was a perfect thing to say - "I don't feel in control", no matter how often UM or Jomo say you are. Good. Not negative, a statement of feeling.

  What caught me was the next line, where you then put yourself down - the old "joke" about being very trying. That was not necessary to do to yourself, and made me want to reach into my screen and pull you under my desk! We are running out of room here!

  Do you see the difference? Saying: "I don't feel in control, no matter how often or how many people say I am" is not negative, it is a statement of your facts. Following it by making fun of yourself, I feel that is negative.

  Expressing thoughts is not negative, we can frame them to simply be expressions.

  And try to always speak of ourselves, as we would have others speak of those we love...

  How I do go on -
  Jo

• 27/06/2008 @ 12:36 Jomo said

  

  I could not learn piano at all! My sense of time is skewed - so my timing was shot to pieces - my piano teacher said to me - "Well, yes, with your very own syncopation again, I see..."

• 27/06/2008 @ 13:28 Mebenji said

  

  Thanks Jomo, but later, okay?

  Those neighbours of mine are really getting to me. couple of omy other neighbours went up to see if they could stop the two men who were fighting - quelled it some, but there are still some rumblings going on..

  It has upset me, tension, now I'm crying. I wish I really was huddling under your desk with you and UM.

  I'll just go bury myself in my fuzzy blanket for a bit. Sleep a bit. I hope all will be quiet out there by then.

  -Mebenji

• 27/06/2008 @ 15:56 UMxx said

  

  Actually it is quite nice under here but I don't think that jomo really knows that I am here - I am as small as a money spider and hiding up in the far corner. From here the purple slippers look huge and I am too scared to go down on the floor as I note that jomo has a tendency to tap her feet to the music. Did you used to enjoy dancing a lot Jo?

  Well I think that benj, is right in summing up the way we are trying to deal with feeling and thinking. I know that I have a separate approach to each - they each have their own tracks and run parallel but they don't ever connect. I feel like I have to keep leaping between the two. As for learning to go beyond myself - yes that is really hard to learn. But I am butt stubborn and I am bloody determined to get there!

  Come under the desk benj - but maybe come with mecelf because I think a puppy could be good therapy. Cheers UM

• 27/06/2008 @ 17:13 Mebenji said

  

  Hi UM, I'm up again, I lay in my bed, all warm and cosy and stroked the Bear's cute little shell shaped ear - that was amazingly calming - & I thought maybe I will get this mindfulness stuff right someday (except that I was concurrently blocking the grumblings from upstairs. That's not mindfulness is it?) If that tapping foot isn't very vigorous it might be quite like being rocked in a fuzzy purple hammock.

  Okay, about the 'very, very, tiring' bit, I mean that I feel in my slowness to change (until I have made one of those set in concrete decisions like I did when I quit smoking -- that kind.) I feel I must surely wear people out if they get involved with trying to help me. I feel it must seem like you are bashing your head up against a brick dunny when dealing with me. I KNOW, these are some of the negative things I say, plus assuming I can tell what others are thinking and feeling before they have even hinted towards what's in my mind.

  I do use humour, self-deprecating and all. I'd rather make light of the darker thoughts and feelings - an illusory light will do. It seems better than nothing.

  Thanks for the feedback, Jomo, UM, I do need that much. That will go on my list. Someone who will instruct me via feedback, re-framing - I need these concrete examples WHEN they are needed, as your comments were tonight - not so much time has passed that it feels half-gone, foggy and unreal. If my new Psychiatrist just passes by these things without picking them up, drawing my attention to them and in the moment re-framing them, how on Earth am I ever going to learn? It is so much like learning a new language, from the ground up and into the subtle nuances.

  (((Hugs))) -Mebenji (Have you noticed how I like giving you lots and lots of hugs?)

• 27/06/2008 @ 17:58 Mebenji said

  

  OOO, I nearly let this pass by...

  
  When I was in my bed just before, while those neighbours of mine were fighting, I remembered an incident, when my father was fighting with a man (I don't recall who - a work mate or neighbour I guess) and the man slammed the door while my father had reached for him, i think - I'd woken up and heard them. My father's finger got was badly cut that night, to the bone. I got up, afraid but worried, wanting to help, wanting reassurance too that he was alright too. Some very complex feelings - I think I may have misremembered, or misinterpreted what those feelings were. I saw him at the bathroom sink. Seemed like there was a lot of blood. The water was running from the faucet so there may not have been as much as I remember. It must've hurt like hell. I don't think I really understood, or could at the time. I know that timidly I asked if he was alright. He yelled at me to go back to bed. I know I started crying. I think he hadn't heard my words, just that I had come in and was responding to that. His response was too quick, too sudden to have been a considered response to a little child's concern. & yes, I know he was in a great deal of pain at the time - my little self didn't grasp really how much, nor how he would have been feeling emotionally, so soon after this man " ...nearly cut my finger off...", in the by slamming the door on it. I remember that phrase.

  Those people upstairs have triggered that memory tonight - I just wanted to get that fact on record.

• 28/06/2008 @ 00:08 UMxx said

  

  Oh Benj, I think you taught me the importance of receiving hugs on this site. Remember when Isabella thought it was a rude sign? That was funny in retrospect.

  I had this odd thought reading your second last post. What do you think of this?

  Do you accept that you are special? and have special needs? or are you trying so hard to be well that you don't want to see yourself as being special?

  That might be a long bow - it just felt what might be happening.

  Now you might think this is odd but I love coming here and chatting to you but wouldn't have the faintest idea on how to help you. I come in solidarity and to support because that 's what I can offer freely. I really battle myself not to give advice but with my background at work it is a bit hard. So that is my mindset and because of this - I don't ever feel frustrated because I don't ever feel like you aren't taking advice - but I know you will pick up what you want or need. So no head banging against dunny doors for me my friend.

  And how might you learn about reframing? I think there will be a point where you just commit to yourself and elevating yourself beyond the treatment that bastard handed out to you. You will hear your thoughts differently and you will just know. Harmony talked on my microscope brick about wearing a rubber band on her wrist so she could snap it if she got stuck in negative thinking - that's an interesting approach.

  Love you lots and you are so right about the new language - so very write. UM xxxxxx

• 28/06/2008 @ 02:43 Mebenji said

  

  Hi UM,

  "Special" is one of those words I have a deep seated rebellion against, because I was the kid who was "Special" and went to a "Special" school for grade one - thank goodness my parents at least had sense enough to see that was not doing me any favours. They didn't take me out of there because I, like every other "Special" child was being stigmatized by the terms used to describe us and the assumptions made about us. My parents continued to think I was somewhat retarded - it was believed at the time that it is usual for children born with Rubella Syndrome to have mental retardation as well as blindness/deafness, probable heart defects. I was mildly effected, but that distinction was not made easily. You know, she's the "Special" child, with Rubella Syndrome, and stop looking any further, as if the gate is closed and locked at the title of a book.

  
  My parents were of that era. Maybe that is why my step-mother so disdained me, and expected and found failure after failure with me. You find what you expect. My father didn't expect a whole lot more, and I think he thought I would be there, never independent, all his life. (He deeply wants to be looked after by some one, wife, child, adult child, he'll take what he can get). There was never encouragement to move beyond that stereotype of a child with "Special" needs, and the "Special" child role. My thick glasses being a constant reminder too.

  ....
  

• 28/06/2008 @ 02:44 Mebenji said

  

  .....Conversely, they didn't go out of their way to meet my needs, special or otherwise. Maybe it is too much to expect in a family of so many children - we all were likely short changed I think. They spend a lot more time chasing after the kids who are more extrovert, loud, openly hostile and such - that wasn't me. I wasn't beaten as often, but I never spent a whole lot of one to one time with them either. (I never wanted to spend time with my step-mother, because even those times were filled with criticism and fear of doing wrong and displeasing her).

  So it is true, I am not comfortable with the notion of being "Special" - has these unpleasant connotations attached. The label is really muddy indeed. I never wanted to stand out and get the kind of attention it seemed likely I would get if I did. For me, to need something, I had to draw attention to it, to my need and myself, and doing so was tantamount to inviting fingers to point, mouths to snicker, accusations of being selfish, attention seeking, dramatic, complaining, it was an embarrassment to my step-mother in particular, that I was as I was. She was ashamed of disability. I think that is part of the problem she had with me.

  I'm thinking of the times she insisted I see spots of dirt or a fingerprint on a counter which others may or may not have seen (I don't know - how could I argue what I wasn't sure was really there. For all I know she imagined these uncleaned spots!) Was she really trying to erase that fact of my poor eyesight (the most obvious sign of the Rubella Syndrome. If I didn't wear glasses I would look like everyone else)?

  Is this what you are referring to?

• 28/06/2008 @ 02:50 Mebenji said

  

  And then for grade 10, I again was sent to a school that had a "Special" class for blind and visually impaired children. Not because of my sight so much...they wanted to get me out of the usual school so I and my attempted suicide would not draw attentio to well, the issue of suicide, mental illness, they could ignore it themselves while I was not home for five days a week. (I stayed with a family in Brisbane that year, going home only on weekends and school holidays).

• 28/06/2008 @ 03:51 Jomo said

  

  How heart-breaking it is that the word 'special' which has very positive connotations, has come to feel very negative for you.

  Never fear, even if we need to find another word for you that doesn't trigger bad things, we will do so. Word search on way, Meheartyz.

  Love Jo
  [with cough, cold, grumps. still in purple slippers...]

• 28/06/2008 @ 05:38 Mebenji said

  

  Oh, Poor Jomo,

  Can I put my arm around you before I crawl under your dest again? UM's bringing the chocolat and Tim Tams. I like cahews and what's that name you gave those round yummy nuts (I won't say what I call 'em incase you run me over with your walker.)
  You know, they have a cleaner, crispier taste and texture.

  We might have another vacancy to fill, for someone to find words for us. UM doesn't want me to use 'limbo' for it's religeous connotations.

  So, for now, instead of being in L****, between Psychiatrists, she has sent me to be under your desk. We'll have a slipper fight. I'll bring my fuzzy purple blanket too, as well as my Bear.

  I'm going up the road for a bit...

  (((hugs))) -Mebenji

• 28/06/2008 @ 09:06 Jomo said

  

  Queensland nuts! Or Bauple nuts! No Macadamia nuts! Why did they change the name?

  I suggest we all sit in the box with Schrödinger’s Cat and wait and see what develops when he opens the box - now, that's living on the edge.
  Jo (;o)

• 28/06/2008 @ 09:22 UMxx said

  

  I think that it's awful that special has been stigmatised - I love my special things - okay we need another word other than special. What about exceptional? I think you are exceptional - that works for me - what about you??

  And what about being in transition instead of being in limbo.

  I am bringing my double doona as well and my exceptional cushion that I like to hug.

  And I am bringing a mat because there are tiles on the floor and I don't want to get a cold butt.

  And I am bringing my nut cracker gadget as I hate those sharp little bits sticking into me.

  And I like wasbi peas so I am bringing a big cannister of those too - :) xx

• 28/06/2008 @ 10:44 Jomo said

  

  Uh? No Cashews? No Bauple nuts? You know Benji stipulated Bauple nuts. I think we may have to re-think this refuge, don't you? Instead of a refuge, a haven, a wonderful place of warmth and etc? Wasbi peas hot? Or is that Wasabi?

  Just so long as they don't make you fart, because I will have none of that under this desk, thank you.

• 28/06/2008 @ 11:26 UMxx said

  

  I thought that Benj was bringing the macas! Don't you like wasabi peas?

  as for bauple nuts - I don't know what they are - I love green almonds best. and at the moment the fruit is wonderful so I better bring a basket of that - does anyone else like persimmons?

  Oh have I admitted I am a comfort eater> Bet you didn't guess!

• 28/06/2008 @ 11:53 Jomo said

  

  Bauple is a place outside Maryborough, where Bauple trees grow - the native nuts that were then called Queensland nuts, which was then for some unfathomable reason changed to Macadamia nuts.

  Persimmons bad, persimmons evil! EEK! Never had a green almond. I am not a comfort eater, I simply use food to find comfort, that is all.

  Benji? Help! Maid is pickin' on me! WAH! I don't think that I have had wasabi peas, I only know wasabi sauce is HOT!

  I think that Benji is full of promise - unopened promise and hope - which she shares a little of here, with us - which is very nice. Though I like exceptional, too.

  Transition - in flux - Scotty has started to beam up , but it is on the go-slow... hmmm I can picture that.

• 28/06/2008 @ 12:11 Mebenji said

  

  Whoa there Jomo, you don't have to eat the Wasabi peas if you don't want to - things like that aren't real vegetable anymore, (not once wasabi gets in and, oh, poor things, get overwhelmed!) UM can keep them all to herself, I brought plenty of Bauple nuts, cashews too, and some Lindt chocolate. Yes I did, I got some chocolate, even got some drinking chocolate so we can have hot chocolate or if you like, add some coffee to it too. YUM!

  You know, the amount of stuff UM is bringing, you could start charging her rent! I think she might be moving in...

  & Yes, "Transition" is a word, a beary good word! & exceptional is fine by me - if I can get used it. Does it really fit, UM? Doesn't make my bum look big, does it?

  I just thought, I'll bring some cheese, and strawberries as well..you like? I am not worried about persimmons, so long as I can have salt...salty nuts anyway.

  -Mebenji

• 28/06/2008 @ 12:21 Jomo said

  

  I used to live in Boonah and had a Persimmon tree - what luxury! Envy of all, I was, and when it fruited I was so excited, and then found that the darn things made me want to puke. Everyone else loved them, so I could always give them away - but I could not eat them - same with gooseberries - can't stand the taste.

  Chocolate, though - do you like Chilli Chocolate? I just love it.

  Exceptional is good - meaning out of the ordinary, yeah, good.

• 28/06/2008 @ 13:14 UMxx said

  

  I love chili chocolate and chili tea.

  Goodness - I used to live in Warwick we were almost neighbours! Our school days were filled with trips to moogerah dam.

  I love Cape York Gooseberries but have never tasted the other type. I can't find the seeds to plant these now. Shame.

  Green almonds are great - especially with a bit of salt.

  I don't think your bum looks big in exceptional - it's what I think that special should mean too.

  Yes I think we are all exceptional - in the way that we are and in the way we need different supports. It's just the others who don't quite know how to that is the bugger.
  You are making an exceptional transition from the ordinary to the extraordinary!!!!!

  It's earth Jim - but not as we know it ..

• 28/06/2008 @ 13:28 Jomo said

  

  But not as we know it, Captain...

  Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow - dang those Klingons.

• 28/06/2008 @ 14:20 Mebenji said

  

  Fascinating.

• 29/06/2008 @ 12:01 UMxx said

  

  Star treking across the universe - always going forward never in reverse!

  I love Star Trek :)

  How are you going Benj?

• 29/06/2008 @ 15:49 Mebenji said

  

  Sub-light speed.

• 29/06/2008 @ 23:38 UMxx said

  

  Oh dear, Shall I charge up the tardis and go for a long slow drive to the outer rim?

• 30/06/2008 @ 03:57 Jomo said

  

  Well, it would have to be sub-light speed, because we don't have FTL speed yet, do we? Do we? DO we? Have I missed something while I was under my desk?

  Sending flashes of light and glory your way, Benji, to lighten your day and your mood

  Luv Jo

• 30/06/2008 @ 04:25 Mebenji said

  

  Faster thatn light would be nice sometimes, I would pass right by those things I don't want to see whithout ever knowing they were there. Oh *sigh* well...I'm scared to cancel the appointement I have with DrAC on July 16 - if I do, the lest time I saw him would be THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM...feel anxious at the thought of it... Disconnecting from someone, even when you don't like 'em so much is still hard for me. I don't know about you, UM or anyone else - it is a hard thing for me to do, even when I've been in overtly abusive relationships and have had to 'escape': so hard.

  -Mebenji

• 30/06/2008 @ 07:10 Jomo said

  

  You still have 16 days to think about it dear one, so don't panic. You will be attached to him, of course you will, transference is inevitable in a theraputic relationship, and your relationship with him has not been concluded successfully yet.

  But you can set the terms for the conclusion, you know. You can write down all the things you have decided and come to understand - such as maybe that you think that his crunchy behaviour is disrepectful to you, and that you deserve to be treated with respect.

  If you want, you can just write it all down, give it to him, and ask him to respond, or just leave - I can understand that you will feel nervous - my own trick cyclist is away at the moment and I feel quite bereaved and ill about it - so though I am not in your head and can't know how you feel, I can certainly feel for you in my heart.

  Do what you feel best - don't listen to me stomping and grumping about his chomping - if you talk to him and want to continue with him, you do that. Trust yourself, eh?

  Luv
  Jo xxxx

• 30/06/2008 @ 10:40 UMxx said

  

  Well I think that given your struggle in making the decision the finality of the relationship is going to reflect the same struggle.

  To tell you the truth I would just put the most clinical bastard in my brains trust in charge of the teleprompter and deal with it in that way. I would disengage then. Kind of complete avoidance I guess. But there have been times where I have done the equivalent of tearing my kosher clothes and declaring people dead so I must deal with this stuff at one level. Oh I don't know at the moment - too much in my head. And I agree - we can only do what we believe is right. Go with your gut instinct. xxxx UM

• 30/06/2008 @ 11:50 Mebenji said

  

  Yeah, (kosher clothes?) I need to relax - more music - less of irritating tv. Breathe, count to 500, (wish I had a bath tub). I could try writing s letter, see how that feels...it's not concrete, yet...not even feeling really Real, even though I have the Referral for another sitting here under my phone. Would have been better if DrAC would have dealt with my questions about whether or not our Therapeutic relationship was achieving anything, rather than re-interpreting it, in the light of hes holidays and my usual anxiety about them...just MAYBE DrAC, I was asking the question as stated?!! (He'll be one of those guys, who, when his wife says she's leaving and wants divorce - he'd be there stunned, wondering where did this come from? Even if she'd been saying stuff for years.)

  -You two are so lovely, Jome, feeling so ill as you are, to make the effort to reply at all...UM? What's on your mind?

  (((Hugs))) -Mebenji

• 30/06/2008 @ 12:36 Jomo said

  

  I am not that ill, chum, I just like a good whinge.

  You are right about the bloke who is shocked when his wife leaves! Telling him for two years and he never heard. I know that bloke! I was married to him once!

  Maid very quiet tonight - I will have to make enough noise for both of us.

  Are you frightened about this session, or just [just!] anxious/worried?

• 30/06/2008 @ 13:43 Mebenji said

  

  I'm anxious about it - I will have to tell him something. If nothing else, I would usually also go to see him on July 23, but I won't be, because I have the appointment to see Her. So, I will at least have to cancel the 23rd with him. He will want to know why - & I will want to tell him. Even if someone treats me with disrespect, I prefer to continue to treat them with the respect I hada before. (So, I don't/won't use his name to his face - once I'd begun NOT using his name, I didn't know how or when - if ever - to stop. That was a little disrespectful.)

  Aarrgghh! even now, I want to have people take me seriously. Must be my tone of voice, my nervous laughing, I don't know - people don't seem to hear what I'm saying as something said with serious intent.

  If I don't turn up - I will feel like a coward, which I think I am anyway. Too timid, too easily intimidated. I give in rather than argue. I don't so much compromise as I do sacrifice my own needs to keep peace.

  Letter feels similar to me, like not really facing him - telling him respectfully, sorry but I can't continue therapy with you. Bye-bye.

  I'd like to think he was reading all this and rang me, to say so, and to say fine, bye-bye yourself. That way I wouldn't have to do anything.

  I think that last means I am rally afraid, huh? You ever met anyone like me before?

  -Mebenji

• 30/06/2008 @ 14:05 Jomo said

  

  Dearest Benj - no, I have never met anyone quite like you before - you are absolutely unique.

  
  But I have, most unfortunately, been in and out of psychiatric institutions on two continents - so I have met a large number of other seriously damaged and struggling folk.

  
  Of course you want people to take you seriously! And he is a trained professional and he should be picking up cues for interacting with you - that you are afraid does not say much really about the relationship he has with you, I think. You should not need to sacrifice anything in this sort of relationship - you should be free to speak of anything, and have it accepted and dealt with.

  
  You are not a coward, you are working so hard to deal with this. If you were a coward you would not even bother. You are doing a lot of thought and work - kudos, sister.
  Jo

• 30/06/2008 @ 14:34 Mebenji said

  

  Sorry Jomo- forest-sister (like that? UM is an earth-sister, all that digging into rabbit holes. Swon is a sky-brother.) It has taken so long to get to this point in this state of transition...other times, I've backed off, changed my mind, made excuses for him, accepted his excuses for himself - whatever to not go ahead even one more step, until now. (& I still want to 'chicken' out) It is taking so much effort to be firm in my resolve - while feeling so shaky...I'll take many more deep breaths, *sigh* a heap...another day is nearly gone, and another day nearly begins (okay, when a day begins and ends is completely arbitrary and for all those people who sleep at reasonable hours, they don't notice it anyway.)

  (((Hugs))) -Mebenji

• 30/06/2008 @ 15:04 UMxx said

  

  Oh for fucks sake don't you just want to wake up once a week and not have these monkeys on our back?

  How are you going benj? Feels like this is a very difficult transition you are going through. Not the transition between doctors but the transition you are going through in asserting your needs and not letting the DRAC's of this world fuddipuddle in your life.

  I just wonder Benj whether it is possible for you to tell about the insides of others from their outsides? Given I am of the opionion that the nut chewer is a right dill I don't know what you could pick up from him. He sounds he was born with a big dose of the passive aggressives - they do your mind in after a while - they get you playing to their crazy agenda - highly manipulative. Sorry he is your man but goodness respect he deserves but it would be hard to honor him.
  ]
  Yes have been quiet tonight - feeling flat - might just be feelling flat and there is nothing more that than to do with it.

  I have just had a controlled moment - why do men call us "girls" I am completely not in the shape to be polite about ageism and sexism - Bear will cope.

  I think we should have been with Joan of Arc when she was fighting the godless - who did she fight - English Germans - oh god that is a bit of a rabbit hole I don't have time for.

  Well I am going to bed.

  A friend of mine sent me an Itunes gift download of a Nina Simone album and I am feeling a good deal calmer than an hour ago.

  Love you both a lot but Jo if you eat all the chips again I will tell your doctor !

  UM xx

• 30/06/2008 @ 16:33 Mebenji said

  

  Nina Simmone -warm, soothing voice. Nighty-night UM.