The holiday party tonight was very different from what I expected. It was a touch sad, a bit disappointing and then the rest of the feelings are ones that I don't care very much to really talk about.

As soon as I got into my car this evening, I knew it was all going to be different - not a comfortable different. I cringed as the night went on, but going through it well. There was a lot of running around, a lot of picking people up and once everyone was in the car, my world and emotions got a bit shaken.

After the party was over, I had to take a friend home. I didn't want to, but I needed to. As soon as the car door shut and when I saw that she got in safely, I let the tears flow. They ran down my face in a way I am so used to, just not in these circumstances.

I opened my phone and found a text message from my friend saying that she loved me. I closed it - shut down from everything around me - and cried. I tried to figure a way out of this. I tried to figure out how to not let this bother me. I tried to figure out what was supposed to be next.

It took me a good two hours to get back into the world. I drove around a bit, silently listening to music, blankly staring into the road ahead of me. I found myself at home a bit later, going upstairs to talk to my mother about what I felt. And I cried then too.

What my plan seems to be at this point is my usual - to back away so that I don't get hurt. I am not ready to become closer to anyone right now. I am not ready to continue loving right now. I don't want this to seem mean ... but I am guarding my heart in the only way I know how to.

My world shook tonight with the feeling that I was losing something that took me so long to get ... from both allowing myself to love another as well as actually being able to grasp what I wanted. I wish that I didn't feel this way, but I did - and right now, it's still a pretty strong feeling.

I want to stay in bed and continue crying ... because sitting up while making a brick and crying seems pathetic ... because I have no idea how else to deal with this ... because my heart hurts in a way that I really can't describe ... because whether or not it's actually true - it feels that I am at the brink of losing everything I really wanted - everything that was important to me.

Please allow me to grieve a little - please allow things to be different - please allow me to guard my heart - please understand that I don't know how to do it any other way - please understand that I have lost everything that I have right now, several times before and I am scared out of my mind - please understand that you don't need to say anything ... that if you reassure me, I won't believe you ... not right now. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that tonight.