Today I had therapy with Anna and we talked about Dawn - about how she has recently been in contact with the office - how she is wicked busy - how she is going to make contact with her clients soon ... and also that she (Anna) has heard from several of her other skype clients wanting appointments with another psych ...

While we talked about this, I changed the subject and focused on something else. I have waited three months to hear that she was going to contact her clients. I have waited three months to know that I would be comforted and supported. I waited a very long time after such an ongoing thing - a weekly session. And now after hearing that 'it's the time' ... it doesn't feel okay. It doesn't feel good enough, although I know it probably should be.

Towards the end of my session with Anna, we talked about the infamous 'March 15th' date and she asked if I was going to celebrate. I said that I was - that I was taking all the people who supported and loved me during this time out to dinner. I said if I had known Dawn in any other way, she would have come too, but that instead, she will receive a card of gratitude.

She asked how I was doing with the wait and I said that I have concluded that I will just see her in a year - that I wasn't trying to get my hopes up for anything sooner. She said that they were taking bets in the office of when she would come back. She asked why I thought one year and I said that I didn't know, just hoped. She said one was thinking four or so years, etc. It then felt like I was taking a step back. These people who know her on a different and deeper level than I do, are probably right - she will probably come back in four years. I'm not okay with that. I could deal with another eight months, but three or four years - not dealing so well.

I came home and immediately checked my email - no Dawn. I sat and needed something comforting to listen to and so logged onto youtube and am listening to a song so familiar and so sad - allowing me to cry all these feelings out.

I don't know what I feel. I feel sad and upset. I feel angry and sympathetic. I feel hopeful and I feel impatient. I feel ready and I feel scared. I feel confused and like this isn't going to work.

My small and tiny tears have turned into sobs. I thought the sobbing was done. I thought I had grieved, that this loss would be okay. I don't feel hopeful in the way that I probably should. She should have been here by now and she's not. I didn't want to be sad about this anymore and I have found that I am ... but this time, I have to pick up myself alone ... she's not there reaching out her hand. And while that's probably the best thing - to do it on my own ... I feel unsteady and not strong enough to pick myself up.

I need her here - right in front of me ... assuring me and pushing me as she always had.