Often times in life, there is someone who will come into our lives, after having lived through something very sad. They have to do nothing except be themselves and they do more to heal your soul than any other person could.

My 'person' came last year in a very small form - a four year old form (now she's five - she would want that mentioned!) This brick is 'for' and 'about' her ... although she probably wouldn't quite understand most of it.

There is something so very innocent and honest about children. I am not sure how, but I believe they can sense things in people that adults can't. I believe that children heal the souls of many, more often than anyone would think. Just spend a day with a child, let their innocent spirit fill your heart and mind and you will find yourself very different. I've found that the more I try to write about it, I get a bit choked up about it. I tried writing this brick a few months ago, but couldn't. I'm not sure why I feel so strongly about this part of my life, but I do.

Last year, I started to deal and grieve the loss of Rae, started to grieve over the changes my mistakes brought - started understanding how my life had changed direction and pulled me away from doing the thing I wanted most in the world - to take care of children. I separated myself from children at this time. I barely looked at them, didn't try to communicate with them at work as most had, ignored the fact that my friend had children ... to realize that and to be around children was simply too painful. It made me miss Rae even more. It still usually does.

My friend asked me to babysit her girls a bit before Christmas and I agreed. Things changed and I wasn't needed and I broke into what felt like a thousand pieces. I felt I had let my guard down and had convinced myself it was okay to possibly let children into my life again - and it was 'taken away'. It took me a moment to get back on track after that, although it was innocent and nothing personal. She asked again for New Years and I once again agreed. We went to the movies and had our own little New Year's party at home with silly string and confetti. The following morning, I cried my way home.

The night before, this little girl had 'taken me in' and trusted me. I suppose she could see inside my heart, although it was guarded in ways I understand only now. She would grab my hand, ask to sit on my lap and to play with her. She asked that I sleep with her that night and we did.

Every time I've seen her since, she will come running up to hug me. She will pull me over to whatever it is that she's doing. She will come sit on my lap if I'm sitting down anywhere. She will invite me to play with her - well ... demand it! Most of the time I am surprised by this. I am surprised with a lot of things ... that this little girl allows me into her 'world'. I am still surprised that my friend has allowed me into her life and the life of her family.

She reminds me of Rae - her spunk, her personality, her cuteness ... I miss Rae when I'm around her, I'm not sure that would ever change. She has given me a bit of Rae, the 'part' I will need in order to keep grieving and to move through this loss in my life. Her trust in me has surprised me because I never thought that I deserved the trust of anyone else again, not even a child's. My mistakes never included children, not even a little bit ... so I know that I deserve to be trusted, but don't feel that others think it.

This little girl, without doing anything - has let me forgive myself a little bit more. Her trust in me has allowed me to see a little clearer that I deserve to be trusted. She has made me realize how much I really do miss taking care of children - of being a nanny, a babysitter, an 'aunt' - someone important in a child's life. She has made me realize that I do know what I'm doing with children, that I am still able to do a good job. She makes me realize that I didn't deserve to be taken out of Rae's life, that I'm not a bad person.

All so much from someone so small ...

(As for the picture - I remember catching Annie on tv one day a little bit back and realizing that this little girl looked like the little girl in my life ... and to make it complete ... this reminds me of her personality ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry79LzkkDb4)