missing again

inspire

Brick created on 05/10/2008 @ 04:11

Your brick story

I found out the other day that my brother wanted to invite RM to my nephews birthday party. I didn't have any feelings towards it at that point.

But today I have feelings. My brother didn't make this decision to intentionally hurt me, he asked my feelings about it first. I said it didn't matter and that I don't believe she would come because I was there, but 'why not'.

I'm not sure how I would feel about it until I was in the moment. I cannot imagine seeing RM again, although I imagine it often. I believe I would fail at this 'recovery' and fall back into the pattern of really needing people - of allowing myself to need them. I would want to hug her tight and tell her that I've missed her. I wouldn't though - I would stand back and observe and try to keep myself far enough away that she didn't have to pretend to make small talk with me.

If she brought her two youngest, I'm not sure how I would feel. They don't remember me and the last time I saw them, they were a year and a half and six months old. They are now two and three. I don't know them.

But if she brought Rae, I would probably break into the million pieces I feel I am trying to glue back together. Half the time I really want to see her. I want to hug her tight and to tell her that I love her and that I miss her, that I never left her and will always be here for her. I want to tell her that I made a lot of mistakes and that I regret only the ones that have made it so that I couldn't see her any longer. But then the other half of the time, I realize she has probably moved on in her life, that she doesn't quite remember me and doesn't remember how important she was to me and I was to her. I assume she doesn't remember the times I would hold her in my lap and read her books or sing her songs or do nothing. I assume she doesn't remember all the times we went to the museum, to the mall, to the parks. I assume she doesn't realize that I have missed two years of her life - of her 13 years. I assume she doesn't realize that I spent almost every day with her, literally for all of those 11 years.

I am not sure I would take seeing her very well, although I want to with my entire heart. I look for her face when I'm in her town, although I'm not convinced I would recognize it. The other day while at the mall with my friend, I stared at each person that walked by intensely ... waiting to see if I would recognize something.

I don't think RM would come - because I would be there. I really don't. But if she did and she brought Rae, it simply might take me a while to get back on track.

I never want to lose this feeling of love and care for her - I will always feel this way ... I just hope I don't cry every time I write about her.

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Comments

05/10/2008 @ 12:20 UMxx said

Could there be anything good that might come from this? anything at all? UM xxx
05/10/2008 @ 21:07 inspire said

I'm not sure. I assume there is something good that simply might come from it, there always has to be, but I'm not sure what it would be in this. I don't think she will come, although I really want her to. I don't want to be weak in front of her. I don't want to show her that I have missed having Rae in my life, that it has broken me down like this. And that is what I would do, I would simply cry. What good do you see coming out of it?
Inspire xxx
05/10/2008 @ 22:23 UMxx said

Well you could practice seeing your self greeting RM and just being the beautiful you that you are. Rather than see what might be from how you are feeling right now - use it as a practice to see how you want to be. And you have accomplished a lot in the time that you haven't seen her - don't let the sadness have too much power over you - it is there but needs to be balanced with the other strengths in you. The one that has new friends she doesn't know about, the leaps and strides forward in life - there is lots of good in you that is worth showing to the world.
UM xx
05/10/2008 @ 22:51 inspire said

I know I say it all the time, but you make me smile. I am thankful for you - for your reminders and your persistance ... also for your patience.
I could practice that ... I will try.
Inspire xxx
05/10/2008 @ 23:00 UMxx said

and this is a secret so don't tell anyone - but I always see myself taller and thinner when I am seeing myself too - :))
UM xx