Comments

• 09/06/2008 @ 02:41 UMxx said

  

  Hey Thorn, While you are away I will be thinking of you and sending you all my love and best wishes. I'm so sad that you are hurting and feeling badly of yourself. I hope you find the space you need. Take care, UM xxxxx

• 09/06/2008 @ 06:20 roze said

  

  I am sorry you are in pain Thorn. Please take care of you and we are still here whenever you feel like coming here. Love roze

• 09/06/2008 @ 07:45 Wolfie said

  

  Thorn, we will miss you enormously and hope that you will be able to find the time and space that you need. With very best wishes, Wx

• 09/06/2008 @ 08:05 Swon said

  

  Thorn,
  As much as any of us want to, we can never be all things to all people all of the time; it's a physical and emotional impossibility.
  Those who you love will know you have been there for them in the past and will be again and will hopefully realise that sometimes even the best super-heros can't do it all.
  Take care, S1 x

• 09/06/2008 @ 13:37 Brown Bear said

  

  Hullo Thorn, What sad news. I can't imagine what happened between you and your family, but just so uncomfortable to feel you never want to see them again. But don't take all the blame upon yourself - they are probably feeling miserable too; wishing they could have got it right. Your two men are people in their own right - they make their own choices and decisions. You are not responsible for them - remember 'Am I my brother's keeper?'. You like to be there if you can but you are not under any obligation.

  But do let me know when you come back - I'm not here as often as I used to be either. I'll PM my e-mail address. Love BB

• 10/06/2008 @ 19:04 thorn said

  

  Hello everyone. Thank you for the good thoughts and wishes.

  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about not being there for my guys because intellectually I know I have been there for them in the past and will be there for them again in the future, but they both need me now.

  My Love's pain came back yesterday, so we aren't sure if the last treatment worked and the other man I love... his mother is very ill, and her prognosis is not good.

  And right now, all I want to do is curl into a little ball and be alone with my misery.

  My hurt is still too new and I haven't incorporated it into my self.

  Once I do so I can begin the healing process.

• 10/06/2008 @ 21:17 Brown Bear said

  

  Well, at least you haven't disappeared altogether. Is the 'new' hurt about your unhappy family visit or is there something else? Have you managed to tell them what you are feeling and why? Do you know what they are feeling, or are you working from what was last said in the heat of the moment? Love BB

• 12/06/2008 @ 12:13 UMxx said

  

  Well Thorn I am seeing you curled up with your kitten - both in balls with each other. Be nice to yourself and take care. lots of love UM xxx

• 21/06/2008 @ 06:23 thorn said

  

  Thanks UM and BB.

  
  The new hurt is about my family. Basically, my grandfather sat me down and explained why he pressured the rest of my family to treated me the way they did when I was a child (put me in foster care, etc. ) and how I'm not really a member of his family.

  
  This is really hard for me because he is my father figure, and I adore him. And now....

  
  And the rest of my family knew about it, knew he was going to spring this on me and gave me no warning.

  
  I'm still very upset.

• 21/06/2008 @ 11:21 Brown Bear said

  

  Yes, you came back from your trip feeling really bad. So its still really hurting and most of all because the grandfather you adore[d] has kind of turned on you. I suspect he wanted you to know WHY the bad things happened to you in your childhood. I guess he felt guilty and wanted to ease his own pain but at your expense.

  There is a positive here. You said you 'adore him' - so you still do. I feel that the past cannot be changed and is not worth shedding tears for. There is a future and you CAN shape it. Could you shape it in a positive way despite what's happened?

  I realise you were not looking forward to the visit but I don't really know why. Would it not be something of a relief to abandon the idea of annual visits and find a different way to enjoy your Grandfather?

  So glad you posted. Keep talking, sweet lady. BB

• 21/06/2008 @ 12:06 UMxx said

  

  Oh Thorn this sounds like a right mess. What did your grandfather what to achieve by telling you this - I know that BB is probably right in assessing this as answering some questions but it sounds like he didn't handle it well. What was his reasoning to put you into foster care? And why are you not really a member of his family?

  I would be feeling really upset also - kind of an inescapable position he put you in. And your family knew about his proposal? That is more hurtful. What on earth are they trying to achieve? And you drove and drove all of that time to be with them. You are such a sensitive and reflective character - I don't see a resemblance with them.

  I am with Bear - the future might have a different face - anyhow I don't know if you are older or younger than I am (46) but I am happy to adopt you as a sister and you can share in my family as much as you want. Life would be so much easier if we could choose birth families like we choose partners.

  This is a really awful situation and I can't imagine the hurt of feeling abandoned by an adored grandfather - I think there are lots of reasons to shed many tears about this - no doubt there is a huge grief in the way that they have treated you. That poor little kid you were sent into foster care - I am sad for the child that you were too.

  I too am glad you posted - I was concerned that the Wall was no longer a good space for you but glad that you are back here. Keep talking Thorn and we'll keep listening ( and replying too). lots of love UM xx

• 21/06/2008 @ 14:03 thorn said

  

  Thanks UM and BB.

  
  My grandmother had an affair while he was away in WWII (he was gone for 5 years). When he came back from war he made my grandmother give that child up for adoption.

  
  My grandmother was pregnant with my mother when he went away.

  
  He has convinced himself that my mother is not his child.

  
  The family put me into foster care because "I raised another man's child as my own. I wasn't going to raise his grandchild too."

  
  He wanted to explain to me why I wasn't getting anything from the estate when he died. Not that I expected anything.

  
  So, even telling me was a selfish thing to do.

  
  There was no reason to tell me all of this except to hurt me.

• 21/06/2008 @ 14:16 UMxx said

  

  Hey Thorn,

  Has he always been like this to you? I can't imagine that you would adore someone who is so awful. Though all of this making people give up children is horrid. I don't know how your grandmother could cope with that.

  And now he is the victim of life and takes it out on you - that is cruel - just cruel.

  How odd that he has let this fester all of these years and only rationalise about saying it now to tell you about not getting any mony out of the estate. yes it is selfish. And what of the child who was given away - your mother's half sister - she can't be that old - my brother was born at the end of the war so not much older than him. I don't know if your mum is still around but does she not worry about this. God a DNA test would shut him up - but then that is playing into his game plan.

  So why is he the man that you adore? Is that too personal to ask?

  Um xx

• 21/06/2008 @ 15:47 Brown Bear said

  

  Such a cruel thing to do Thorn - what on earth possessed him to do that to you? Making you pay for what may or may not have been a mistake by your Grandmother is just abominable. He deserves no consideration from you at all. What can we do to lighten your burden of unhappiness? As ever we can only ever really just BE here. And we are. I'd like to encourage you to start having positive thoughts about your future - you can shape it, don't you think? BB

• 21/06/2008 @ 22:23 thorn said

  

  I had an epiphany about my family: I've always viewed them as if they were just a swarm of annoyances, but they weren't malicious. They were just something I had to take care of.

  
  But then, with my grandfather's revelations, I realized there is a mastermind behind all their actions.

  
  It's as if all the slugs in my garden actually have an alien intelligence manipulating them. And they are malicious and I'm not being paranoid - they ARE out to get me.

  
  It's changed my world view.

  
  I always adored my grandfather because he was my father figure. He taught me what a man was, and up until my vacation, I thought he loved me too. I never, ever, dreamed he was the reason behind my families rejection of me.

  
  My mother's half sister is turning 60 this year. Oh... apparently I look like her, but, I take after my grandmother's side of the family so that doesn't surprise me.

  
  I have been shaping my own future so long now I don't know any other way to be, but... I always thought I had his love as a base to build on. I need to find a new foundation.

  
  It will happen. It's just going to take time.

  
  Thank you for being here. I do appreciate you. :-)

• 22/06/2008 @ 01:58 UMxx said

  

  I wonder Thorn if you are a threat to your family and to your Grandfather. Not in a physical way of course but in a way that you are seen to be so strong and resilient and deal with them on your own terms?

  The other wondering I have is how old is your grandfather and whether his behaviour in relation to you is possibly a change that others are experiencing also. I don't know much about brain dysfunction but I remember hearing a bunch of mental health experts talking about behavioral changes that seem inexplicable but are later recognised as early indicators of other problems. I'm not offering this a s an excuse to him but what he did was so odd given with all of your defences he was the one you adored.

  I wonder if he really has been your foundation in recent years - not that you haven't loved him - but if that love isn't part of something that you have founded your own life on and built over it like many of the ancient cities built over the previous sites.

  Actually none of this matters right now they are thoughts for the future when the pain of being hurt cruelly isn't so raw. And I think that your realisation that the family you were born into are malicious is also part of the cruelty - Could it be that you have taken far too much responsibility for their malice and turned it in on yourself and now can see that it is not you but it is them. Whatever the new foundation is - it is already within you and I am sure that you will find it.

  Always here. UM xx

• 23/06/2008 @ 17:01 Brown Bear said

  

  I bet I'm not the only one who had to look up the word 'Epiphany' as you used it. For those you you who want to know it looks like the 3rd meaning in this URL:
  [http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/epiphany]

  Anyway Thorn, I'm so glad you have seen your family in this new light. I think you might find peace in the knowledge/understanding. BB