Comments

• 05/10/2008 @ 12:26 UMxx said

  

  Dear Benj,

  Don't wish that you had the same disorder -= you have enough on your plate - and I think that you can still send an email and get a message through.

  Now please put down that big stick that you are beating yourself up with - you are a great person and a wonderfully generous friend and you just need to be you. The rest will happen and sort itself out.

  What else is happening for you? This is coinciding with other absences for you - are they feeling like they are mounting up?

  I am sending you my biggest - widest arms open hugs to you - one dozen boxes of 10 packs of hugs - if you need more just let me know

  UM xxxx

• 05/10/2008 @ 12:38 harmony said

  

  Mebenji - even if you don't know how you get there, you'll surely know the name of the hops - perhaps send a card.

  You don't really want what J has - sounds like you could just do with a bit more attention for you. Although personally, I think it should have been a bring a friend event - it sounds great and i can undersatdn teh jealously!. Go gently

  Love Harmony

• 05/10/2008 @ 12:51 UMxx said

  

  Really? Did you think it sounded good too? I think it just sounded like incredibly hard work with just enough distractions to make it bearable and think that J was trying to put the best spin on something that must be awfully harrowing. Mind you I failed cutting out shapes in grade one so maybe my thing is that I have always felt anxious about craft.

  UM xxxx

• 05/10/2008 @ 14:04 Mebenji said

  

  Absolutely, I know it is no picnic; very intensive and emotionally demanding course. This is the thinking I've been having though, and not for the first time - before, I'd think sometimes that I would get more care and attention if I was sicker, or at least the treatment I need would be more obvious if I was sicker.

  & Dr Kat is on holidays, a long one, annual, I gather. I won't see her 'til the end of the month. & before she was putting to me the idea of seeing her less frequently and asking for specific things we should be doing while I am with her...I feel so vague and uncertain about these questions. I did manage to say a few things I could - I just have the feeling it is not enough to justify my being there. I left that last session on Sept 25th feeling quite uneasy.

  She said she would be entirely offline, but might phone from there - free of charge. (really? or is it included in the bill? *%#@! I'm a cynic!). I hope so; I just feel guilty to leave contact up to her, 'cause I don't know the schedule, when the free time is or if she will be wanting to talk - she has said the sessions can be quite harrowing and so she may not be wanting to talk.

  I'm trying to put that big stick aside, UM; hence the brick; trying to stop going over the same territory, round and round in circles like a dog on a rope tied to a post - it just reels me in until I can't move...I had to try something - crying about it doesn't sort it out, beating myself up about it doesn't sort it out; I know these things, but this is what I'm good at, what I've done for a long while...makes me really tired.

  -Mebenji

• 05/10/2008 @ 20:30 UMxx said

  

  Well maybe she will be entirely offline - I know that I would do that - but it would be a personal decision and not a rule. Nothing is free we all know that - it is likely that it is a tax payer/thing - well why not it is a legitimate way of helping. I love paying tax - I am just not happy when it is not spent on something that is worthwhile. I wouldn't be feeling guilty about leaving the contact up to her either - I think that it is respectful to do that. Our dear friend needs to be in control of these days and won't be wanting any intrusion that doesn't fit with her moment - It makes sense to me that she is not talking about the schedule. Break that big stick over you knee I think. If you think about it from her perspective it makes sense that this is how it is. It has nothing to do with us - except that we will miss her and maybe that is the sadness that you feel and are trying to "fix it" by thinking that you need to be doing something for her.

  As for Dr Kat - maybe you should just say that you aren't ready for less frequent meetings and feel too uncertain about what is possible in terms of specific things - I doubt it has anything to do with having to justify your being there - more so that she is bringing you to come up with a plan of what you might want from her. It is likely that it is too soon for you - Have you ever tortured yourself with the question "how do you want to be?" Maybe it would help to start there and she can do the work about the how with you in sessions?

  UM xx

• 05/10/2008 @ 21:42 inspire said

  

  I see I am a little farther behind than the rest of them, but I wanted to extend many warm hugs. I'm a good hugger, I promise!
  I have a wood chipper in my garage ... we could possibly put that big stick in there and see what comes out - I'm willing to ship it wherever you need it to be ...
  Be well ...
  You are very cared for ...
  Inspire xx

• 05/10/2008 @ 22:52 UMxx said

  

  Yes what a great idea - a wood chipper - we need one for wallers - lots of big sticks used here - hope you use it too Inspire? love UM xxx

• 06/10/2008 @ 03:52 Mebenji said

  

  Oh, UM, Inspire - I have just tried to imagine putting the stick into the wood chipper (though I don't really know what one looks like) and it seems my ways of thinking and feeling seem so all pervasive within me, like they fill every corner and crevice of my being that I'm not sure I could actually put that stick into the maw the the wood chipper - it was as if it is a meat grinder instead. It is like putting my arm or leg in there. That image doesn't seem so healthy, even to me.

  
  Maybe just you keep that wood chipper for a bit, Inspire - but hugs are always welcome from friends.

  
  & I've been thinking about that "failed at cutting out shapes..." how terrible to even suggest that to such a young child who no doubt began by thinking she was having fun. & I remembered how I was often urged to colour within the lines. It all smacks of too much insistence on conformity to me - rules and limitations unnecessarily imposed on little growing minds and imaginations; what for? So we'd learn to conform to expectations? Never step outside the square, box or push boundaries where it would not have caused any harm to do so? It's weird! Will you please go and make some of YOUR individual shapes, UM, as I am sure they are more interesting than those ordinary shapes.

  
  Or is it too late for us? Oh, I hope not! I do so much want to make messy pictures - damn this impulse to inhibition and where it came from!

  
  -Mebenji

• 06/10/2008 @ 06:38 roze said

  

  Mebenji - don't beat yourself up over this. Just use that stick to hold up a wonky table leg or to rub against another stick to create a fire with light and warmth for you. Love roze

• 06/10/2008 @ 07:13 UMxx said

  

  Well - don't worry about the wood chipper then benj.

  As for the failing cutting out - well that teacher was right and it was about developing fine motor skills - not teaching conformity - my fine motor skills were crap - but my gross motor skills were wonderful. I think I was about 14 when I finally got a handle on fine motor. Those fine motor skills still come in handy too - most of your fine work on the computer uses those skills so even though it was a pain to learn - look at the beautiful work that you do. You want to do messy pictures? Go for it - or use your other hand - thats always a bit of fun - but I have to shut my eyes these days. Now the real problem the teacher had was to keep changing my pencil from my left to my right hand - it was the old days of the devil and the left hand. I used to play forehand tennis for a while - used both hands. My dad went off his brain when I told him - ah didn't hurt me - I think I had a better right hand forehand anyway! I also think in some ways it taught me to be a bit more resilient as I had a tendency to not try terribly hard on things I wasn't interested in. Not a very useful way to be. There's always a positive in something.