Comments

• 21/09/2008 @ 20:35 roze said

  

  Good ranting! Pointeless - your bricks are so powerful - you have such a strong creative streak in you - so please try not to put that on a diet. Are you an artist - i find your images so amazingly moving. And whatever you feel - whatever is right for you - i am here for the journey. with love roze

• 22/09/2008 @ 10:31 ant said

  

  I wonder what is happening behind this Pointeless, maybe I don't understand and would like to be sure of what you are asking. See I don't understand what 19.5 - 20 BMI and when you say you are not skinny anymore - I don't know what you think is skinny - it is all relative.

  You have come a long way and maybe you are finding it a bit uncomfortable during this time. I am worried about how you explain whether you should have to deal with being ALOT bigger than ALOT of girls.

  I am figuring that a professional has set a "safe" weight for you and you have been given a diet to achieve your target and probably another to maintain it. Well that is the diet - not one to lose weight. I have never been in a similar situation so I honestly don't know. But I know in giving up damaging myself - I could say I had dealt with it until I stopped - just doing it sometimes just meant I was still journeying with it. I don't know if this makes sense. Can you come back and tell me why you want to cut your food to be slimmer? ant xx

• 22/09/2008 @ 11:17 Wolfie said

  

  hello pointeless - roze is right, a wonderfully creative brick!

  Could you share with us the reasons why you feel the need to lose weight? Perhaps you could share your concerns about your target weight with your physician and see what they say. You are as you say recovering and not recovered. sending you big hugs. Wx

• 22/09/2008 @ 12:26 UMxx said

  

  Hey Pointeless,

  just wanted to pop in and say hello -and send you big hugs - I guess I agree with what others are saying about checking with your medical advisers about how you feel. But mainly I just wanted to let you know I am sending you my best wishes.

  UM xx

• 23/09/2008 @ 04:05 Mebenji said

  

  Hi Pointless, just wanted to ask, (I'm sure you've already asked yourself, or someone else has...so just a double check here) Have you ever felt 'thin enough', even when you were starving yourself? So how would 'a little diet' get you 'thin enough'? I would advise against risking spiralling into annorexia again - it's not a good place to be, right? You're on your way - it would be so sad for you to fall back now. I would agree too, to talk over all your concerns and feelings with those who are helping you. Don't hold back. Hiding what you feel coesn't help you.

  (((Hugs))) -Mebenji

• 23/09/2008 @ 07:44 Pointeless said

  

  thanks for all the replies everyone. Right now I feel like being thin I used to do really well and I feel like a failed artist, failed dancer, a failure in my work, a failure as a person. And I could suceed at being thin
  and so if you'd ask me a week ago did I ever want to slide back into my anorexia I'd say hell no.. but right now... it hurts so much I just want to take the pain away and say look I way be useless at alot of things but I can be thin, and everybody wants to be thin... and
  god I duno, bad place right now... shows huh?
  thankyou though for all the advice guys
  I have my CPN visiting tommorow and I will mention this... i've already started skipping meals and snacks again and I feel very very confused as to whether it's a good thing, bad thing, neutral insignificant thing (in comparrison to how I'm feeling) #
  urgh .....
  

• 23/09/2008 @ 08:13 UMxx said

  

  Dear Pointeless - yes you were quite good at being thin - but is that what you want to be good at?

  I suspect this is why you feel quite conflicted. I have been really thin because for many years I suffered from an anxiety disorder that I have sorted out - and because of that I became thin - oh yes and I got lots of kudos out of it - but I was never feeling good about my self - it was like being congratulated because I couldn't sort myself out. Then I got really physically sick and later followed up with two babies and now I am bigger than I would like - but that is about fitness more than size. I don't want to be really thin again. So I understand what you mean about feeling like a failure and feeling like a success - but in reverse.

  It took me a while to understand that the real pain of being unhappy wasn't really how I look physically - it was so much deeper than that - and that is why I am here. It is what is underneath the feelings that I thought I knew.

  Were you a dancer? You have listed how you feel and if part of this is about having lost opportunities or feeling the loss of what you could passionately pursue then maybe you could also share those losses too? For me I felt like after years of working hard - all that I built was destroyed in a short time by a couple of others and it created a very strong sense of lack of purpose and loss. Anyhow - I am happy to listen and want to ask you to talk more about how you are feeling rather than what you are doing. I wonder if that would be okay. Hang in there hey?
  with love and best wishes
  UM xx