Your joke just wasn't funny

panther

Brick created on 05/09/2008 @ 06:11

Your brick story

This is a long one, go fill your coffee mug before you start it, and a special thanks ahead of time for anyone who can sort through it all (I crammed a whole lot of info onto this brick).
So, on Tuesday, I had couple's therapy. A couple weeks ago, I quit individual therapy because I didn't like my therapist. I'm a little gun shy about starting again because it's a lot of time and money to invest if it's not going to help. But Tuesday night our couple's therapist broached the subject of the possibility of trying again. My partner, S, mentioned she would prefer it (me going back to therapy) because she thinks I have some issues that need working on because some of my issues affect the relationship. She brought up how "fragile" I became after my abusive ex tried to contact me (we'll call her X). Frankly, I agree that I have unresolved issues around X and some other things too. But I just don't seem to have much luck with therapists (although I do like our couple's therapist). Anyway, on our way out of the therapist's bldg, I leaned toward S and whispered, don't make me go back to therapy. She said first, "I'm not the boss of you." Then she said, "If you can convince me you're working on things without therapy, I won't push it." So I said, "I'm working on things without therapy." Which I actually believe is true. But she said, in a jokey tone, "Well, maybe I'll anonomously send you a letter from X and see how well you take it." I didn't think it was funny at all. I thought it was scarry. What it said to me was that she knows what my issues are, she knows how to get to me, and she can manipulate me if she wants to in exchange for emotional calm. Do I think she would actually do that, no, but that's not the point. The point is that I've been in a relationship where that did happen, so bringing up the fact that someone is in a position to do that again, when I'm already feeling the pain and shame of that old relationship on the surface considering we were just talking about it in therapy, was a trigger for me. I froze, and barely kept from crying. She didn't get it at all, and I couldn't explain it because she doesn't understand the concept of triggers. Before when I've tried to explain that some action of hers causes an involuntary reaction in me from my past, she gets defensive, as if I'm accusing her of being abusive. So I've kept all this in for two days. It's been eating away at me. I burned myself. But I finally mentioned something today, and she said, predictably, "So that's what you think of me?" Meaning as someone who would emotionally abuse me. I said, "No, it's not," and nothing more. End of conversation. Her defense is that it was a joke. But it's not funny, and quite frankly I'm tired of having to aleviate and calm her emotions around this while feeling guilty about mine. I'm just trying to share with her, be open, and she just doesn't get it. And today, I realized that I can't work through my issues around X if I'm afraid of S. Quite often, I tiptoe around saying things and sharing things with S because she's just not the most emotionally available or emotionally supportive person. She's wonderful in a million ways, just not this way. But often times she becomes defensive and what feels to me as hostile simply because I have emotions. We've been together almost 8 years now, I want it to work with us more than anything. But I just can't be afraid of her and think I'm gonna overcome my fear and shame of being abused in the past. I'm now afraid that if she doesn't start getting it, I might have to end it. Does that sound resonable? Or am I placing too much responsibility on her? And I don't want to place an abstract ultimatum on her (get me or get out! Soooo not reasonable), so how do I broach the subject? Do I just wait for therapy on Tuesday? If I do I'll just keep getting eaten away. I'm just vulnerable and scared, and I'm feeling isolated from (and by) the person who should be my number one ally. It's so very lonely.
ps. please don't tell me I need a therapist, I already know.

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Comments

05/09/2008 @ 07:10 UMxx said

Well Panther - what about taking this to the couples therapist and seeking some way of reaching an understanding on how this impacts on you - Sure S does not mean to make you feel bad - she just wants you to get better but you need some support in this. UM x
And that wasn't too long at all to read :)
06/09/2008 @ 01:20 Jomo said

Ah.. So hard. People who don't get triggers, just don't get it. It is hard for them to understand, in fact can be incomprehensible. I know this from my own life - where something has me so shaken and shocked and triggered and my calm and confident kids have made fun of it - don't be ridiculous! Gee, Mum, what is that about - and yes, laughed at me, as if it was a joke.
I guess I have to realise that these are my issues, and I have to work on them. With or without a therapist, and I do not want to push you anywhere, truly, and I know I have said to you to try therapy before, but I truly would not want you to go anywhere before you are ready - I guess I can only base things on my own experiences - which include a lot of very, very, bad therapy!
But I am in a place now where I feel better about therapy - although that will mean nothing to you in your situation.
I guess I would say to you that ulitmatums are really drastic. If you love her, and want to keep her, then you may have to do most of this work yourself. Though you are working with the couples therapist.
I dunno - here is a thought - my son and his wife were seperated and went to couples therapy - together, and singly.
So they each saw her twice a week, once alone, and once together. They found it very successful, and are now back together and working on a much stronger relationship. Could that be a solution for you?
Apart from that - here we all are, Panther. This is the Wall - full of people with love, experience, expertise, etc. Use the wall.
Love to you
Jo
06/09/2008 @ 05:40 panther said

Okay, so I decided to talk with her about it. I was feeling kinda down this morning, and she asked me if she could do anything to help, and I said she could have a nice long chat tonight. And we did. I told her how I felt, and I did get a bit of friction, but we were both very calm and listening to each other. At some point, I said, "but you know what she did to me." And she told me that she didn't really. It turns out I never told her any details. She really didn't know the nature of the abuse at all. It's made me wonder if I ever told anyone. I have a few friends who I've told bits and pieces to, I'll have to ask them if I gave them details. Anyway, telling her the details was awful. I felt safe, and S was totally supportive and caring, but I just hated admitting what was done to me. I know one day I'll be glad we had this conversation, but tonight I just want to be swallowed by a black hole.
06/09/2008 @ 07:07 UMxx said

Hey Panther - it sounds like you have discovered that awful feeling of wobbling - Iknow it is jargon - but we all have our own way of feeling vulnerable after we finally disclose to someone what happened to us - and it sounds like you have done what many of us have done and tried to keep away from the experience by not telling the whole story. It does get a bit easier - did you ever tell your therapist the whole story? all strength to you Panther and lots of love UM xx
06/09/2008 @ 07:25 Jomo said

Hang in their, Pal. Talking about it is the first step to taking control of it, rather than it controlling you.
Love
Jo