Give me serenity

harmony

Brick created on 16/08/2008 @ 21:28

Your brick story

I've always loved the words of this plea for serenity.

I was going to write that I frequently don't have the courage to change things within my power but I have made so many positive changes in my life that it would be a denial to write that.

So why am I sitting here thinking ‘failure’ when I know I've made tremendous changes? I think there is one thing that I can’t get under control and I feel undermined by my lack of capacity to do so - food/ eating/size/ diabetes. I've had diabetes for 13 years and been on insulin for a few years now. Insulin makes me gain loads of weight: 3 people in my family have diabetes and all of us gain weight with insulin (I'm asking myself why I added in that bit, and I realise it is so that the reader will think it’s a hereditary thing and not just that I eat too much! Shame and self disgust here -and bit of projection on the reader)

I get excellent support and guidance and yet I still cannot get a grip on it.

Last year around this time I was taken off insulin and went onto a new drug that was supposed to reduce blood glucose. I lost almost 4 stones in 5 months and felt better that I had EVER felt in my life - full of life, healthy. All my joint pains stopped and I could walk for miles and I felt very happy, in Feb I was told I had to go back on insulin because although the drug was helping me lose weight, it was making my blood glucose dangerously high. I felt like I’d been robbed of all my hope and within weeks I lapsed into having suicidal thoughts – not something I would ever act on out but very troublesome all the same. I hadn’t been very well treated at the hosp and that just added insult to injury.

Since that time, the analogy I have in my head is that I had a filing cabinet with everything organised into a manageable system that had taken me many years, much counselling and self searching to achieve: I felt as if my cabinet had been tipped over and emptied and I was left with the mess and chaos. I feel that what I needed was to pick up the bits one at a time and sort then into the right files/ folders/ drawers. It seems to be taking ages to do and meanwhile my relationship with food is not improving – and at times I feel that I am a lost cause. It becomes a cycle of comfort/ disgust/ shame/ comfort/ disgust/shame that I can’t seem to break out of.

I’m currently having counselling and the obesity person who supports me says it’s quite usual for eating issues to get worse with counselling initially, as all the feelings are brought to the surface. I find being out of control very painful.

I’m don’t quite know yet what I’m going to do but I’m going to make use of my time on this site to try to take some steps forward with this issue.

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Comments

16/08/2008 @ 23:54 Mebenji said

So very thoughtful, Harmony. I hope my presence here is a comfort for you...I don't know - what replaces food?
It's not like cigarettes or other drugs people might use for comfort. Food is so very different to me in that one major respect - you can't quit it altogether either. The only thing I suppose is to learn 'controlled' eating, like some do 'controlled drinking' (personally I'm not so confident of that approach - but what do I know? Not much, really, the only control I ever had of my drinking was because I have strong feelings about paying bills first, so didn't have more money when I wanted to drink more).
What little help I can be, I am here for you.
(((Hugs)))
-Mebenji
17/08/2008 @ 02:36 inspire said

Harmony, I am familiar with some of the feelings you express here. I'm sorry that you are feeling them and I am not sure how to make you see things in a different light because I feel so similar. But please know that I am here for you if you need anything.
Sending lots of love and extra hugs, Inspire xxx
17/08/2008 @ 06:23 cate said

I think at the deepest level the intake of food is a survival issue. I believe we are programmed to take in as much as we can at each sitting or feeding time in case we are faced with deprivation . Harmony I have two friends with insulin dependent diabetes and they too have a struggle . A recent newspaper article also cited that depression was significantly higher in people with diabetes. I want you to know I am thinking of you - losing weight is so hard to do - I am trying so that my blood pressure becomes manageable . But my challenge is simple compared with all the blood tests you must face daily just to keep blood sugar levels normal. Let us know how you are going, with love , Cate xxx
20/08/2008 @ 18:24 harmony said

Hi Mebenji, Inspire and Cate
Thansk for all you support, love and hugs.
I've had a bit of a crisis and have had 2 days off work but going back tomorrow for 2 days and then it wil be a 3 day weekend as we have a bank holiday here in UK.
Cate - recently someone told me there is some thinking now that long term depression can be a cause of type 2 diabetes rather than a symptom. I've not googledit or anything yet - dietitian has recommended I try to just focus on the counsellign I'm having and not the eating/ diabetes.
Lots of love, Harmony
01/11/2008 @ 15:15 amore said

Hey harmony..easier for me to say, you might say that..but try to focus on the bright side..at least your sickness still can be cure right dear? Think for a second..how do the people with medicine to cure them felt?. I pray for you that you can control your weight and becoming healthier. Take care dear. See yah.