Comments

• 15/08/2008 @ 03:54 roze said

  

  And how did you feel about these comments Overseas? Roze xx

• 15/08/2008 @ 10:38 Overseas said

  

  It's strange for me to understand that I was like that already then. It's difficult for me to discern what part of my behaviour was the real me, and what part was the result of the environment in which I evolved then. It's interesting, because I just remembered something I've told to myself sometimes at school: "I'm not at my place here."

• 15/08/2008 @ 12:26 ant said

  

  What strange comments to make from a teacher - reads more like there is a challenge to make you conform than to connect with you as someone who is learning? I am not sure I am with you in terms of what is the real you and what was as a result of the environment. It feels like you never fell part of the the school community - certainly that fits in with the way this teacher wrote the report. ant:)

• 15/08/2008 @ 12:40 roze said

  

  Yes ant, does read a bit like that - like you needed to help the teacher do their job rather than the teacher help you learn Overseas. Possibly no wonder that it did not feel like your place if they made no attempt to discover and support you in the place that you were. When you write i was 'like that' Overseas, is it something to do with a label you came to internalise, your own feelings of difference,......????? Rxx

• 15/08/2008 @ 17:39 Overseas said

  

  The first meaning of being "like that" was to underscore that already then I was easily bored by "work". Today, as an adult I start a new job, I interest myself in it, I learn, but in the end I get bored by the routine. Very easily. Though, there may be other meanings behind "like that", but I cant "grasp" them yet. The "real me" is the kid I was at my root, and the environment wasn't only school, but both social and family life too. Up to seven or eight, i know I had friends, either at school or where I lived. Surprisingly, those who were my friends went to live elsewhere. All of them. From then on, I don't remember having any real friends in both places. At home, it was rather stressful for at least three reasons:
  Firstly, my parents were two lost kids with huge expectations and needs waiting to be filled, and almost no knowledge of life. My mother comes from a small town in a country formerly located behind the iron curtain, so she had to adapt to a whole new environment and language.
  Secondly, that man that never was a father, lived in his own world of freezed certainties, and proved to be very destructive to anything that didn't work according to the plan he had in his mind. This produced a lot of very stressful situations.
  Thirdly, a major factor in my family, was my ill younger sister, and with her all the stresses her illness can produce from the first day till the last. According to what my mother said, when my sister died, I immediately took back with her the place from which I was "sort of" moved apart by my sister's needs. I never thought I was different then, this deep feeling in my guts appeared, or I became conscious of it only later in my life.

• 16/08/2008 @ 18:34 roze said

  

  So 'like that' is a sense of loneliness as a child, parents who were not able to provide absolute warmth and security as they did not have it themselves, suffering for your sister and a second placement due to her illness and grief at her death combined with a quick mind that became easily bored? All this has shaped you and has been perhaps your real school in life. One that i believe you pass with flying reports and absolute humanity. r xx

• 21/08/2008 @ 20:39 Overseas said

  

  Yes, all this shaped me, and to such an extent that I have difficulties at being with people. I love to have fun, but I love as much to live deep things. When I'm alone, I'm well in my company. Most people I have met in my life can't imagine to stay alone for a while. Either watch TV, or they phone someone. They look trendy, speak about money, fashion, the latest mobile phone. Mens talk about car, bum, sport, they make fun about gays (sometimes with good reasons); gays are either completely centered on themself or drooling/criticising on others, deciding who looks cute and who don't. All this to say that yes, I've been to the real school in life, but there are no places for people like me in the international village I live in. So it's not easy every day. I'm a bit like an albatross.