not innocent

Anonymous

Brick created on 23/07/2008 @ 05:43

Your brick story

This picture is blurry on purpose. I don't want to quite show the person it is for several reasons. And it won't stand out that much if I keep it this way. The little boy - well he doesn't need to be shown ... this isn't about him.

This is someone I hurt. I believe she was the second person out of about five. It might have been 2003 or 2004. I don't remember anymore.

I found her myspace page the other night and it hit me while I searched through it ... she lied to me too. The story is long and I know she didn't deserve my lies or what I caused her, but she said a lot of really bad things when things were going through court. How in the world can she point her finger at me, when four are pointing directly back at her?

She fooled a lot of people. I knew that something was fishy with her. I knew that there was something that was clearly being left out and she too, did something very illegal. What we did was different and hurtful in very different ways.

But I finally had a moment the other day when I realized that I wasn't the only one who has lied ... even the people I had hurt, even the people who made me believe I deserved to be locked up for years upon years ... they lied too.

I'm not saying they deserve what they got ... I'm not saying anything close to that ... rather that they probably understand at this point how lies go back to you. Although she didn't and won't get in trouble for what she did. If she did ... well then she'd know what I went through, but she won't ... and my anger for this situation will remain as it is.

One day, I plan to look each person I hurt, directly in the face, apologize to them and take whatever they dish back. On one hand, that feels like self-punishment to the max ... being open to being hurt so badly ... kind of to verify that I am indeed a bad person. And then on the other hand ... I see myself sitting down for tea with the last person I hurt ... not quite being friends, but just friendly.

Tonight, the anger from one persons lies has brought on a deep sadness for a person so much the opposite. One day she will know. One day, they will all know, although I don't think it seems to matter at this point anymore ... it's that simple.

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Comments

23/07/2008 @ 06:53 roze said

I know your courage in these areas inspire - you are like a shining example of a personal Peace and Reconciliation Committee. I admire how you don't just walk away and say 'well that was the past' but take the time to work through what the past leaves in the present. Rx
23/07/2008 @ 07:11 unionmaid said

You are not a bad person Inspire. I don't think you ever were - just made a mistake and lots of us do. Some repeatedly

love UM xxx
23/07/2008 @ 16:48 Mebenji said

You got backbone, Inspire, to accept responsibility for your own actions - that is the best and most difficult of options you could have taken.

It shits me off too, to think of people not ever going to take responsibility for what they have done, and how they have hurt people. No matter how a person comes to a point of relaisation and acceptance of their own responibilty for their misdeeds, when they do, I believe it is a huge step forward - as far as I am concerned, it sets you above them. (probably not the best way to look at it, but there it is, my view.)

You sure seem to me to be putting a lot of effort into making better decisions, and livng a good life now - that's what matters.

((((Hugs)))) -Mebenji