Comments

• 22/07/2008 @ 21:23 summer76 said

  

  Hi Mebenji, in spite of my name I love the change in the seasons - Winter to Spring, Summer to Autumn. You can almost feel the world turning and tipping.

  You know as I do that the change is within you. Privelaged if we can do some of it together here on BWW.

  Hope those leaves are reaching to the sky.

  S76X

• 24/07/2008 @ 11:37 Mebenji said

  

  :) I did have Psychiatrist tagged to this brick after all. & I can't fit anymore tags either, anyway.

  I feel like I've come down...this afternoon, I feel myself slipping, sliding...Preceding weeks have taken a toll, I suppose. Because she is already heavily booked, I won't see her for a second sesson until Aug 21. (Thursday - looks like I will be seeing her Thursdays until at least the end of September when she has holidays) I know for myself half hour appointments are all too short for me, especially if I need time to get into a particular issue - she actually offered the option of half hour or hour (well, 45-50 minutes. Psychiatrists have different timepieces to the rest of us, I think).

  She seems to want to involve me in decisions already - making decisons for myself is a challenge, one I ought to reach for with both hands, I know, but...still it scares me. Either because I don't have any faith in the decisions I make or I have felt I did not have the right to, and therefore, I am doing something wrong, like doing something ilegal, whcih I ought to feel guilty about, or be punished for, and if the decisions I make are wrong - I have been justifiably punished. If the decision I make is right, I've still cheated to get something I don't deserve or have a right to.... I cannot win.

  We're going on a drug holiday - not 'cause I don't believe in drugs, in case the reader here is thinking, but I want to because I am not convinced they are helping me to any significant extent. I wnat ot prove or disprove my own susupicions. Or perhaps, if it seems I do need something, try a different one. I haven't tried many...some will not be unless as an absolute last resort because of my glaucoma.

  She wants me to keep track of my mood over this time of decreasing medication. That's why the first sentence of this post.

  We went over history and present so very generally yesterday. Cannot do more in a first session. She suggested a couple books (which reminds me, where is that piece of paper?)

  She wanted to know what sort of supports I have around me. I told her a little about BWW, that I've made friends there, about the writers' group (though, indivdually, I do not thing of these people as being a support network for my depression). I told her I had no contact with family anymore. (she never even asked about my name!! I jsut thought. I'm used to it, but she is not.)

  Work history.

  I kept having to say there's a big story behind everything...I said I wish things weren't so complicated. Thae hardest thing about starting with someone new is going over and through all of it again. & when I stop laughting, I am where I was before. But where would I be without my sense of humour (even though it may not always seem to be a healthy humour - damn it, it is something.) & because she asked about PTSD I told her I was abused, no details except to say the one thing I had to learn that was the most importsnt thing was that IT IS NOT MY SECRET TO KEEP - HIS IF HE WANTS IT, BUT NOT MINE

• 24/07/2008 @ 11:39 Mebenji said

  

  OOps, I just pressed a button by accident - hope there were not too many spelling errors - I had not even signed it, let alone done the spell-check.

• 24/07/2008 @ 11:47 Mebenji said

  

  Oh, UM, really it felt good yesterday - I just don't feel so good right now. How come the music isn't reachin me? It's their, like a beads on a string, some tinkling glass, some perspex...or synthetic resin...don't go...

• 25/07/2008 @ 10:16 unionmaid said

  

  I think maybe it is like a rush of water to the shore - it hits hard and high and then is sucked way out and then in and out - I reckon there is a rhythm to the way I respond to big sessions. Let it settle perhaps - are you sure that the absence of meds aren't able to show and effect yet? I know we are on different ones but forgetting to take them means I end up with little disney spells - you know circles of stars etc. Must mean I am an addict - not a nice thought. Perhaps the music isn't getting in because you need to be able to hear your own thoughts at this time? You are a hero benj. UM x

• 25/07/2008 @ 13:53 Mebenji said

  

  Hi UM,

  She said things like it was thought that the SSRI's were not drugs of addiction or dependence - but, it is not so sure anymore. People do have withdrawals to deal with; so the idea is to lower the daily dose slowly. I have decided the latest drug is the one to go off of first. That's the Selective Adrenilin Re-uptake Inhibitor (SARI). I was only using half a tablet twice a day - (forgetting or neglecting some doses anyway as it was) So as yet I have deliberately not taken two doses - yesterday afternoon and this afternoon. I doubt missing these two half tablets would be the problem.

  I do thing it is far more likely I am reacting (not responding in any sort of controlled, civilized fashion) to the last month, and knowing I do not have an appointment to see her again for a month (she is fully booked.) Suppose I get desperate (hah, jut HOW do I determine when I am desperate enough? :) oh joy, what fun...) I can phone. I am sure of that.

  I'm getting irritated, trying to finish the brick I am working on again...eventually, after ruining it again, the programme was doing things I didn't know it could do...so how to get it to work for me? Got there in the end. Kept the radio on anyway. It is not capturing my imagination much though - right not it is annoying (not piano anymore until tomorrow) so want to turn it off. I' tired, want to post brick and go to bed. Should comment on Jomo's brick she sent me first...bloody mood, being irritated and annoyed and tired feels like being kicked while I am down. Just let me have a simple downness without these other complications!

  Keep warm,

  -Mebenji

• 26/07/2008 @ 01:10 unionmaid said

  

  That was a lovely wish - "keep warm" I must remember that - I am hopeless about even bothering to learn about the meds - partly it is because I am just at a place where I accept I have to take them and I don't want to know to much or it will give me the heeby jeebies - I think that is a technical mental health term I learnt a while back..

  So you are probably right and it is a reaction - which by the way you have explained it sounds far more honest and true than a reaction so I would put that in the pile of things to pat yourself on the back for.

  What is civilised except for a construct by some anyway - I think we are civilised but not stupid and don't subscribe to silly rules.

  You are desperate enough when you think it might make a difference to you to call and talk - when you feel too wobbly to catch your own balance, when you want to. Always here if you need XX UM

• 26/07/2008 @ 03:53 Mebenji said

  

  Alright, if my mood was down to -3/-4

  today it has crept up to -2.5. I don't think it is getting any better than that, the occasional bobbing of head above the surface and the little beasts in the water are circling a deeper depths than yesterday.

  They are there, but not quite in view. So I am able to relax some, tread water, catch a breath sometimes.

  Oh yeah, know those heeby jeebies, some of them swim about trying to bite me sometimes, others will drag you down to slowly digest you in their acidic juices...others want to play with you first before scaring you to death, and then eating you anyway. Nasty little buggers. I get heeby jeebies visiting if I don't know, and while not sure I can trust, simply, faithful trust is something that gives me heeby jeebies too, see. Been there, been harmed.

  I am surprised, UM, I would have thought you were one for being fully informed, and fully involved in decisions regarding your health care, body, mind, all that - I thought you would NEED to maintain control, presonal right to veto any one else's decisions regarding you, presonal responsibiliy and all that impllies.??? Sure, I can accept that I may need something, just as I need to use eyedrops so hopefully not lose all my eyesight, (but they are not perfect solution either...no perfect solutions out there). I just thought you would want to know about what you are putting into your body, how it works, what you can reasonably expect, all the nitty-gritty details....I really thought that would be important to you.

  Hungry now, gotta go...

  -Mebenji

• 26/07/2008 @ 10:39 unionmaid said

  

  Hm I know I trust my GP - and Catherine also - but she is a psychologist not a psychiatrist. I just don't want to know about the drugs that I take - I think it is because I can just cope with taking them and don't want to know them too well. Given the trust I guess I hand over that bit of control. I actually don't want to control everything - some people do - but it isn't how I see getting ahead - a bit of chaos is good in some ways. I certainly know when a drug isn't working in my best interests - have changed drugs before so I will be engaged in that aspect - I'm no pharmacist though. I always read the side effects though - always worried about what might hit my breathing.

  cheers

  UM xx

• 26/07/2008 @ 13:15 Mebenji said

  

  Yeah, it is a good idea to check that, if nothing else - potential interactions with other drugs or physical conditions you may have as well - these can be easily missed by the best GP or Medical Practitioners. I always just double check with the Pharmacist as a precaution. A couple times errors of this sort have been picked up by the Pharmacist. Because my Glaucoma can be sensitive to some drugs - certain types of Glaucoma, not all but the leaflet might only say "Glaucoma" and not say specifically which particular Glaucoma a medication is contraindicated for if the patient also has that condition.

  -Mebenji

• 27/07/2008 @ 01:46 unionmaid said

  

  How are you feeling today? Have you landed yet?

  UM xx

• 27/07/2008 @ 05:58 Mebenji said

  

  Hi UM,

  Been dealing a bit with Fabulouscover, and having a pm from Harmony - sad about that. I think, hope, the misunderstanding surrounding Fabulouscover should resolve - I hope so. I hope I won't be viewed with suspicion too, now...although I am sure my interactions with people here will have an impact on my writing, to the better! If nothing else, I hope my characters will seem more well-rounded, fuller, and complex people as a result. I am a little anxious about how I will be perceived, being a writer too...it is a common problem for writers, both amateur and professionals, whether they write fiction or factual things like biography or autobiography. Must deal with it some time or other I guess.

  Today I feel....ahhmmm 'bout up to -1 which is pretty good for me, to be hovering/floating around neutral is about where I most often am.

  I won't have anymore of the SARI's as of today. and Tuesday or Wednesday I think, I will begin to decrease the SSRI's. More likely Tuesday, with the dose that night, I will cut one of the tablets in half. (Almost wish they divided into 3 or 4 because I do expect more of a reaction to decreasing this one. I do notice if I forget or am very late taking it when I do remember later. Tingling around my mouth is a sure and reliable reminder!

  Since this is becoming a record of the mood and decreasing medication - I would like to print it up to show her, so would you prefer me to delete all of your entries (not here, when I copy it all, transfer it to a file, I can edit out anything or everything you want me to. I would rather not bother, if you have no specific objection - and simply print it up as is...editing is too much like that four-letter-word 'work'!

  ((Hugs)) -Mebenji

• 27/07/2008 @ 09:05 Mebenji said

  

  * Please Note: What follows is an edited section of posts between myself and Unionmaid. Some inexplicable errors occurred. These have been removed. As well as related chatter – nothing else. -Mebenji

  • Today @ 07:52 unionmaid said

  “No I am comfortable for the good doctor to view my innocuous contributions here. I don't really want to be observed here I must admit - I would prefer to just taken at face value it does worry me that it was even raised. I am not someone who writes fiction so perhaps that is the difference with me - I still mainly look at this site as being people who are learners - so that fits in with my role in life. I would prefer people came here to learn about themselves and their connections with the world rather than focus on others.

  I do need to find out which of my drugs are SARI's and SSRIs but having just buzzed off and found that one is a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor - I'm buggered if I want to know more. Anyway it works - I feel better and that is my litmus

  The other one is a Serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) - Maybe it is because I was taking Zoloft and felt so much worse and unsafe with this. Anyway I have remembered why I don't like these sites on the net that describe the impact of drugs - a little information is too dangerous for me and I could end up down a rabbit hole and getting stuck at the bottom - that takes all the fun out of an adventure for me.

  I am sad for Harmony too - but I get it.

  You just keep being your wonderful self - see ya

  UM xx”

  • Today @ 08:41 Mebenji said

  “I do use this site to express myself. I do use this site, now, to connect with individuals such as yourself. All of that - and I am a writer of sorts. I cannot leave that off to one side, because it is part of me...no more deliberate compartmentalizationing for me, if I can help it! I know, am sure it still happens, and I feel not all together as a single being in a single body with a continuous stream of existance - still, my Outdoors me tends to be different to my Indoors me...it is a habit of how I live...but I am not willing to force a seperation of my Writer me off to sit in the corner and wait until I am offline. I can't do that and still feel I am totally being me, my ‘wonderful self ‘ as you put it.

  Yeah, I understand Harmony too. It was the unfortunate way Fabulouscover (even the name) brought up the questions... very unfortunate.

  -Mebenji”

  • Today @ 09:02 unionmaid said

  “……..Love you lots - and I always know how seriously you read my comments. UM xx”

  • Today @ 09:46 Mebenji said

  Alright, I’ve done what I said, leaving bits of your posts which I want to keep and removing the parts which may unnecessarily confuse visitors to this Brick.

  Mebenji (still chuckling about my Splodges movies and book and Shakesplodge or Splodgespeare - I forget, could be either or both - oh I lke to have both! Must think of more...)

• 27/07/2008 @ 09:14 unionmaid said

  

  Great editing job Benj, apologies for the work - cheers and love dUMbled xx

• 27/07/2008 @ 09:21 Mebenji said

  

  Wasn't as hard as I thought, and although I copied our avatars - they got lost coming back, but I now have them in the word .doc I used for the edit! hehehehe! (& careful with that name-calling - what happened is no reflection on your intelligence!)

  -Mebenji

• 28/07/2008 @ 10:17 Mebenji said

  

  Okay, considering how cold I am, bbbrrrrr, you know...I'm doing okay. cruising about neutral to maybe +1 a bit. Admittedly I did stay up a little late 'round 2a.m. I suppose and therefore woke late. I didn't want to get up - knowing it was cold still...feeling very comfortable and warm right where I was. Just my nose being annoying. Cold air really is irritating though, too. :) not bad today, not at all.

• 28/07/2008 @ 11:13 unionmaid said

  

  I am sure today was our coldest day. Denying that there is a season called winter doesn't help, doesn't it.

  Is +1 feel good or just okay. I don't know what the upper limit is? Yes I know it is not about me but am now interested. Here's hoping for a high of 23 tomorrow - and for penguins in the bath tub, and rosellas around our heads - flying in a circle.

  Lots of love

  sUMmerhopeful

• 28/07/2008 @ 16:44 Mebenji said

  

  By my logical way of reckoning:

  Zero is nwutral, flat as an old starchedd linen sheet. Nuetral might also be that I don't feel anything - as when I was able to do before and simply 'shelve' every emotion, and not react. And alright, I admit, it is not a good place to be either, to lose touch with yuour own feelings about what people are saying or doing. I'd drifting, floating, as on a breeze, being carried wherever it will, or lying sprawled on the beach, not bothered to move one way or the other. If I don't get sunburned it would only be because someone came along and moved me out of the sun - to wherever and whatever they have in mind....

  -10 i'm most likely attempting suicide - with view to sucess. You might ring for help for me, but I would likely be wondering why you'd bother. Here I could be emotional in really negative ways, of-course - suppose I got low as -8 or -9, I think I would begin to drink again - what the hell? I might be cutting, again, I don't know. I wonder if I would bother telling anyone how low I was feeling if it came to be that low again? It wouldn't be easy; I know that much.

  +10 is unimaginable, possibly manic and I might even wonder if I am delusional - but won't care because all would be well with the world, me, life the universe and everything. I'd be feeling a great deal better than I ever have before.

  So, there's a sUMmery about it for you. If you have questions, make no assUMptions - just ask.

  & I think you're sUMmer-dreaming!

  When you send a brick to someone, is is case sensitive? I made one for Harmony - but I have noticed she does not us "H" just "h" - and I wonder because I typed "H", if she will get ti?

  -Mebenji

• 28/07/2008 @ 22:06 unionmaid said

  

  Hey benj,

  someone has to ask you where is happy and content on your scale - you have parameters for suicidal and manic - I just want to know where is happiness for you - or are you not game to plot it yet?

  I work on a 1 - 10. 5 being the neutral point - the rest is compacted - with 10 being the point of enlightenment - I am only permitted to have .5's not lower fractions.

  I like the way we all have our own ways about these things.

  I don't think bricks are colour sensitive - but perhaps you could share the brick again - but if it is the rosella is has been seen - I fear that Harmony had a very long day.

  Great sUMmery and no assUMptions made - but yes very much looking forward to sUMmer.

  rUMbling

  xx

• 29/07/2008 @ 04:54 Mebenji said

  

  I don't really feel any sustained sense of happy, coming from within type, feel good happy feeling at all. Oh, I laugh smile, in response to things I see and hear, as if I need something external to stimulate this in me, and then it goes, leaving me feeling rather bland, not really internally substantial or I am not self sustaining - I need input from outside sources, like a car needs fuel and water in the radiator and someone to occasionally switch it on and rev it up a bit or it won't start at all before long anyway...is this - it can't 'normal', but it is how I normally feel?

• 29/07/2008 @ 10:11 unionmaid said

  

  I have had periods of happiness without being manic - when I am wired up and operating on mania I am not happy as such. I know the stuff about being able to respond to external stuff that gets a moment of smile - or a laugh or some comfort - but I know what feeling comfortable in my own skin feels like too. I really want to get back to that place. What is it that you aim for in your scale - surely not mania? love UM

• 29/07/2008 @ 12:33 Mebenji said

  

  UM, you misunderstand, I do not get manic. & I know it would not be a good idea. I've never even felt really good in my skin. I might hate being in my skin, or uncomfortable, don't like it, all that realm of feeling, or nothing. Little bits of me I might enjoy a little sometimes. That's as good as it gets.

  My scale here, is for the Doc - she asked me to record my mood, particularly while I go off the medication, and after so she can see where I'm at. Nothing more. +10 would be an extreme I would hope not to actually reach, ever. I can barely imagine what it is like for someone who does experienced the early stages of a manic episode, where they do feel good, when they feel so alive, and able to do anything, such a lot of energy - I've never felt even half so euphoric - & I might have to take something like a methamphetamine to do so...I don't know. I wouldn't risk it anyway. So, no, tempting, but no, I don't want to feel that good; understanding if it continued beyond that, it would be dangerous, scary etc. That's the thing, people who do have manias lose perspective, become delusional, paranoid, etc...mania looses it's charm when it goes way off the scale.

  I want be happy in my skin, usually comfortable in the world, able to feel I am equal to others, have a place, a purpose I can achieve, I want to feel able to DO and MOVE, and SPEAK, I want to feel motivated, able to initiate actions for myself without feeling like I have to force it and that I would just rather sit and do nothing, watch the sun go down and not care...I want to find life interesting, challenges exciting, I want to want to live. (I didn't accidentally retype any words there). I find it so hard to explain what I mean - I barely have a sense that I am alive. If I feel nothing I may as well not be. If all the feelings I have are negative, depressive sorts of feelings - I don't want to live. If I can feel some good feelings, happy feelings, consistently, not related to whether someone has said something funny, or warm and friendly, independently of others I mean - I think I would actually want to live, I might even enjoy it! That would be a novel experience. I don't think fleeting moments of humour or the 'warm fuzzies' are enough - they might sustain me for now, for a while, but I know they do not last. It's like snacking - never having a proper, full meal.

  I hope that makes sense, UM.

  -Mebenji

• 29/07/2008 @ 12:41 unionmaid said

  

  Yes that makes sense. I just needed to check - but forgot this was mainly about recording changes for the medication changes.

  My asthma has the worst of me at the moment and I have been put on prednisone (sp) so I am a bit fuzzy on the edges and don't like it.

  I don't think it is hard to understand what you have written about what you want - it is very accessible. have you thought about a brick on the theme of wanting to be?

  I am off to bed - You must be exhausted - I noticed you posted at a quarter to 4 this morning - are you still not sleeping well?

  Thinking of you with love UM xx

• 30/07/2008 @ 07:08 Mebenji said

  

  Harmony's colours make me feel so good - it is like they embody life and energy; that is what I want. I want to embody it like her pictures do. Much as I love them, stare at them when I see them, they remain for me, transient and ephemeral...that feeling fades quicker than the memory of the images in my mind. I would have to be looking at them, refreshing as one refreshes a computer screen, constantly, every few moments, barely last a minute at a time... I feel so DULL, bland and lifeless without stimualtion.

  So right now, on my own steem, if I reach +1 I will be doing well - but really, I'm -1 or -2 with these negative thoughts and feelings about myself, the unhappy way I woke up, etc and I haven't written much that I like - Friday is the writers' group - and I have been writing so little that is not to/on BWW, rather than for myself, fiction etc.

  There was an exercise I wanted to do - to write about a character who must remain motinless and still for some reason or other. I could easily, though uncomfortably go to something auttobiographical for this exercise - I would like to fictionalise it because truthfully I will never write a properly fully/completely autobiography, not with the gaps and confusion of times and places etc in my memory. Won't work. It is not like I can research old history books for relavent facts and sort it out for a reader to be able to follow better than I do.

  Yeah, uncomfortable, for the time of year it is more uncomfortable a place to go... winter is bad, thinking of 'Orion' is bad, because whenever I do I miss her so much. August coming up is bad; my Birthday during is bad...why invite more by deliberately dredging up stuff, that well, let's be honest, is not so far below the surfave anyway, before I've got to know new Dr much at all, and won't see her again until after my Birthday...?

  Oh, it's not good...just having thoughts circling like clouds, forming into storms, no good at all...I can't stop it. I may as well do it; go and write about having to keep still so I don't feel so much as I would if I moved...I don't want to think about it, but I do anyway...that makes my mood falter, slip and slide.

  What do I do? Go and distract my mind.

• 30/07/2008 @ 07:16 harmony said

  

  Remian motionless and still for some reason? A greedy diabetic who just comsumed some Thornton' toffee???

  Thinking about you mebenji - and ending you positive, beautiful rays of colour.

  xxH ( at work - not started yet so sneaked on the site for a ew minutes)

• 30/07/2008 @ 11:15 Mebenji said

  

  :) ooom'mmaah!! cheeky sneaky Harmony!!

  ...but how did you find your way here??? (((Hugs)))

  -Mebenji

• 30/07/2008 @ 11:43 Mebenji said

  

  Oh yeah, I have begun to decrease the amount of the SSRI am taking, by half of one tablet, last night. Will have one and a half tablets tonight, Thursday and Friday. Perhaps Saturday I will reduce it to just one tablet...we'll see.

• 30/07/2008 @ 14:03 unionmaid said

  

  I have wanted to ask this but feel a bit like I am organising you so please tell me to pull my head in if you need.

  Is there anything that I can do to be a useful support during this time? I keep wondering what it is that I might do that could help - clearly you are wonderful at keeping this going as a journal of your med reduction but if you need something else please let me know

  love UM xx

• 30/07/2008 @ 15:08 Mebenji said

  

  Just being you is plenty, UM. Being around here is a bonus, but you know, if you wanted to go off, be quiet yourself for a while, (I been noticing some difficulties for you too) that's okay. It is not a good idea for me to DEPEND in big letters, on people here, and then if they go it SO Bad....,nah, juat be you, UM, as Jomo is herself, & Hamony will be herself, and so will Swon, & Summer - that's all I can ask.

  Similarly, if I can't be or do what you need or want of me, I can only apologize for my shorcomings, my physical distance away from you - I really don't think I want to go live further south of here. This winter is cold enough to have me thinking further north is tempting. As you said, there are limits to how we can support eachother. You've been wonderful to me, more than I might ever have expected - had I thought about it...

  so please, just continue being you. :)

  ((((Hugs)))) -Mebenji I'm not sure 'bout you, but I am getting sleepy...happy dreams, UM.

• 30/07/2008 @ 18:38 harmony said

  

  Hi

  When you say how did I get here, did yoiu mean on this brick?

  Every time a friend posts anythign at all I get a mesage on my profile page telling me - I thik we all get them, do we not?

  xh

• 30/07/2008 @ 18:49 harmony said

  

  Now I realise it's only your 2 posting, I feel like an intruder. Sorry if it felt like I'd butted in.

  I use my profile page to see the post listing and just click on them and it takes me to that spot. Does something differeent happen for you?

  xH

• 31/07/2008 @ 01:20 unionmaid said

  

  Hey Harmony, I don't think this is an exclusive place - I am just keeping benj company during this time and she hasn't told me to piss off so I keep coming back.

  No we all have that clever little chain of updates on our profiles - that's what I use too.

  I don't think you are an intruder - I think that I am just trying to keep a focus on this transition time with benj. She once called it limbo and I am worried that unless we keep benj company while she is going through this she might feel she is in limbo and I don't want that for her.

  You missed out on me stuffing up already by talking about meds.

  Hey benj how is it for you today?

  Do you ever see colours in your moods? love you UM xx

• 31/07/2008 @ 08:44 Mebenji said

  

  LOL, UM, You said ".....she hasn't told me to piss off so I keep coming back." so like what I'd said to whatwuz'ziz name - I somethimes thought I kept going back because he never told me to piss off!!

  & Don't panic, Harmony, it's okay, rather nice to see you here too. I was just surprised. Partly because for so long my profile wasn't working properly - now it is fixed - apparently some spaces had appeard, (like bubles) in my name.

  Yessum UM, left to my own devices I think I would live entirely as if in limbo...until one day I will die and that will be that. No more, and no less. I must bring this up with her (the new Psychiatrist - I dunno what I want to call her yet, even...Her initials are a little unfortunate, in that they would give her a name, a simily for 'devious' and I don't want to pigeon hole her before I even know her. That was one mistake I'd made with whatwuz'ziz name before I even met him ... and having done so, I couldn't undo it.

  My nose has got real bad again - almost like having an infection in there (oh that would be bad to have again! I hope you guys have never had one of them. The time I did, I couldn't even wear my glasses - my nose was so swollen and sore.)

  & even though it makes sleeping not good, not restful at all, I slept longer... I don't get it... when I woke up I could barely breathe at all - I am well used to breathing through nose, not mouth, so how I could sleep through it is a mystery. If you do breathe cold, dry air through your mouth all night, your throat becomes uncomfortably dry, but mine wasn't when I woke up...so again, I dunno...???

  So, I meant to go up the road to the chemist, not it will have to be tomorrow, as well as meeting one of my writers' group friends for lunch before our writers' group meeting - & is there a Jazz Cafe tomorrow? Must check. :) I do like going to that afterwards. Makes a long day for tomorrow. Will I carry my laptop tomorrow? I haven't even decided that. Last time all the chairs were taken out of the cafe for reasons unknown, and I couldn't sit in there anyway...I thought I might write more while listening to the Jazz outside. It get too loud outside, see - though music I can tolerate louder than any other sounds.

  I had a headache last night (maybe that is nose related)

  I'm anxious about opening any cans of worms until I am seeing her, regularly...just a little nudge though right now, & a whole big can will spring open and it scares me. & it is not healthy to deny, shove it back, ignore, etc - so what do I do knowing just beneath the surface a whole mass of deep feelings surrounds this time of year for me & the only (sorry, I don't mean to belittle your prescence in my life) support I have is you guys, on BWW & my bear? Yet I resist the idea that your presence is absolutely essential to me now.

  I don't like this, UM, Harmony,

  (((Hugs))) -Mebenji

• 31/07/2008 @ 09:08 Mebenji said

  

  OH, little tingly when I move about, 'round the mouth - to be expected, methinks.

• 31/07/2008 @ 12:59 unionmaid said

  

  Maybe your breathing difficulties are due to the med changes? Is that likely - I bet you have read up on the side effects.

  I think you are right not to open any cans of worms - though I am rather fond of worms myself - but if you have been reading the TA then you will know that it is really the red river worms that I am most fond of. They are hard working little ones they are,

  I intend to go flying tonight in my dreams as I am carrying around too much and think I might blow it all out of me with a good flight somewhere. Please let me have a nice dream tonight. See you tomorrow benj. xxUM

• 02/08/2008 @ 08:50 Mebenji said

  

  I felt really ill yesterday. just a little from around 4:30 - juast kept feelin worse and worse into the night. I think Jomo has my body timer - not a kitchen timer at all UM! MINE, stolen right from inside my head!! Monthlys starting at the wrong time - then yesterday, not even the first day as it used to be, feeling as sick as I'd ever had when I was youung. So I went to bed for a while, decided I'd better try to eat a little more (sometimes it helps, sometimes it only makes me feel worse. So, I just try to have a little, see how it goes, have a couple paracetomol - better with food in you, I think, see) went back to bed, paracetomol helped with the head ache, the chills/heat, left me feeling too hot for a while, then cooler on parts of me...didn't know whether to lie on my back or one or the other dide. Bleeding heavier than ususal...two hours continuous sleep not enough for my mood at any rate, so I just stayed there. Turned my radio on when I awoke to daylight. I don't know what time it was then...later I heard small bits of Science Show, possibly a little of All in the Mind and I did hear a little of the Philosopher's Zone, then I remeber dreaming of trying to figure out which radio was switched on, and how to turn it off, getting frustrated because even after unplugging all of them (aprox 8 of them, cords all tangled and other devices added...) I could still hear this guy's voice, couldn't even turn the volume down! It was annoying because I was trying to sleep! (heahah, of-course....my radio, "Radio Eye" I think the programme must have been, and I don't always like it, filtering into my dreams!!) Eventually I wake up and realise, and have already miseed a little more of the final sessions of SIPCA ...I missed quite a lot the night before, feeling as bad as I was, sleep seeming the only option - but I'd turned my radio on anyway, to have something to focus on. later I'd turned it back to AM because of some Opera/Choral singing. So...not happy, Jan!

  Even now I am tired. Low iron I suppose. I don't even wanna come and play on the Friday Fun road trip...oh dear...:( not happy at all, I think. Bad not-so-montly-Monthlys wreck my mood anyway. Worse last night, so I'm about -4 to -5 still, today...

  I'll catch up more later, I think, about yesterday...

• 06/08/2008 @ 19:59 Mebenji said

  

  Oh, bugger, I've been sick with this flu...I've decided to continue taking one and a half tablets of the SSRI for a while longer - double checked something said about it taking around one to two weeks for the levels of the drug to decrease in the system, and those tingly feelings being a bit stronger and coming on earlier if I am a little late with taking the dose. So, I'm waiting - having this flu gets me down so much all by itself...so how can I be sure of what my mood would be without just while this goes on?

  -Mebenji

• 07/08/2008 @ 12:48 unionmaid said

  

  Hi benj, I have been preoccupied with other stuff and haven't been on the wall much in the last couple of days - probably a good decision to keep going with the drugs for a while - especially while you are crook. You seem to have had a bad year of it - have I asked you whether you get a flu shot? Hope you get better soon. love UM xx

• 08/08/2008 @ 12:50 Mebenji said

  

  Yeah, you did ask me about flu shots somewhere - or rather strongly suggested I get one next year... as well as wanting/expecting my body to fight flu bugs for itself, it also is only effective against a pre-determined few of each year's mutations of the flu bug - no guarantee I would have been vaccinated for this one, & would still have got it anyway. It is kind of a lottery like that. However given the severity of this one - I think I will have to reassess, and gamble on the vaccine preventing such a vicious bug ambushing me!

  I rang someone just to demonstrate my basso-profundo voice. Just in time, it seems - now, sometimes I might manage a croak and sometimes a tiny squeak, and sometimes a little whisper; in other words I have damn nearly lost voice entirely! I've had the basso-profundo before, enjoy it even...but not losing it like this. I've wondered how I would really feel to literally have no voice...hmmm thinking about it, but it is hard to examine the feelings in isolation. I feel so AWFUL!!! Coughing feels like I am attempting to shed an inner lining, like a snake shedding it's skin - only well, it would be easier, and more comfortable for the snake. Today when I woke up, I felt myself still rather dozy just sitting here, still trying to make new avatar - I've lost the picture of the little turtle version -and I think the flag on it is way too small to add an image to it - so I am trying another idea. Avatars are so small, though, still. Not happy with what I did yesterday, so it is back to the drawing board.

  Anyway, feel so stuffed, I have not been hanging around here much either - I've posted even less. & I'm going off-line soon as I have finished checking other posts from people, replying only if it strikes me as particularly important - or I think something that makes me laugh very uncomfortably...oh dear, can't help meself sometimes...(((Hugs))) to you, UM....

  -Mebenji

• 11/08/2008 @ 05:26 unionmaid said

  

  Yes well I never get anything exotic - so the flu shot seems to cover the field for me - but you know a basso- profundo voice in a choir could be a going thing!

  Are you over it yet - I ended up on predinisone - again and now am into middle ear dizziness again so I am thinking of emmigration - again -.

  How are you going with the meds - still in stasis until your are better? Hope you start feeling better soon or maybe it will be feenugreek infusions for you ! love you lots UM xxxx

• 11/08/2008 @ 12:24 Mebenji said

  

  Yeah, was I think, a good idea to not reduce more yet. Weird feeling tingly feelings around mouth have lessened. Still in flu-misery but, so willl maintain SSRI levels one and half tablets for at least a few more days yet. Voice never went entirely (doh! How can I do a proper personal study if I can quit anytime?) How do I keep my basso profundo after the flu gets better? That doesn't mean I could sing so low in tune - just I would like it anew, funny-haah, :) Or even that I would go off and join a chior...maybe...hmmm....la la la la la la laaa....la la la la la la laaa.... SOL (Sing Out Loud).

  How are you, UM? Do you know I am thinking of you even though I've been rather quiet, off-line, etc.

  (((HUGS)))

  -Mebenji

• 12/08/2008 @ 01:03 unionmaid said

  

  Hey Benj, yes I often feel that I am thought of these days - it's a good feeling and I am in a good space at the moment and not trying to overthink it just be a bit in the moment and letting it be. I am starting a new job in a couple of weeks that is really going to eat up some more of my life and am sorting out how that is going to happen without interfering with the time I have made for me. I like SOL - did you make that up - I think we could use that one.

  Take care of that beautiful voice.

  UM xx

• 14/08/2008 @ 17:43 Mebenji said

  

  Though still yucky feeling, I have now reduced the SSRI to a single tablet at night.

  SOL is mine - as far as I know. Maybe someone else made it up elsewhere some time or other, but I had never used it myself before Aug 11, 2008. There could also be Scream/Shout Out Loud, I suppose, but that I fear will never be me. Might manage some whispered imitations of shouts of outrage/anger, but not the real thing.

  I don't think my mood has changed much. I'm keeping things in check though because if I allow any upset it is more than a little uncomfortable just now. I know, am very aware that it doesn't feel right.

  I've read what 'Let Go' has written about his past, him Mom, the guys she brought into their lives from time to time (I wonder if she was one who couldn't stand or imagine being alone for any length of time - if only she'd found a really good man - but then would she have believed it?) His feelings, I wonder if he has really cried, if he lets out his feelings even while writing the bones of the story of his life - it sounds so detached from the feeling of it in some way...or is this just how men talk, even in the midst of being very emotional, not specifically saying "I felt..."? I doesn't sound like he is really doing that yet. Maybe it is all far too much to have clear and simple feelings about - none any words describe. I get like that and want to view everything from my head, from the brain, as it is all able to be separate out all the parts, like separating plasma from whole blood...only more complicated.

  I gotta deal with my own crap more before, I think...Oh, my avatar doesn't look splodgy enough - too much like a flower. :( back to the drawing board!

• 17/08/2008 @ 18:43 Mebenji said

  

  Yes, uh, few tingly feelings around the mouth to put up with again. Noticed yesterday and today. Not so bad though as other times.

  Mood - up and down according to thoughts and feelings about them. People so kind and generous here on BWW to thinking and missing Orion - my feelins polarised accordingly.

  Want to make another brick now. Think I know what it will be (almost - don't write the words until I write them.)

  I got my second Dodgy Splodge to work. Just to note here, it is an amalgam of my EnSplodged Dodgy Splodge/Me, feeling sick/Purplr Turtle (not quite gone - I do like my Puple Turtle.)and for my friends here on BWW - how I apprecieate them in my confused sort of way.

• 18/08/2008 @ 05:53 unionmaid said

  

  I miss the purple turtle. I really love the fine work in it.

  My daughter Daisy is quite ill and has been laid low for 5 days now - a slight fever and very unwell - probably some post viral thing.

  I have missed out who is Orion - I feel like a couple of days away and I am a bit of a stranger. Thinking of you and hope you are travelling better with your health - lots of love UM xx

• 18/08/2008 @ 17:03 Mebenji said

  

  I'm sorry UM. My last couple bricks go some way towards explaining and talking about her...all too much and too complicated to quickly nor easily explain.

  By my way of thinking about my new avatar, the Purple Turtle isn't gone at all, incorporated I suppose is the way to look at it. I did seriously consider doing something with the flag - it was juat the fact of the flag being so small (the whole avatar being too small for comfort), and I did lose the small avatar picture from my computer (I've got a copy of the brick version - but if I use that it would only trun out more indistinct when reduced to avatar porportions.) At least I'm not surrendering anymore! Just being really sick, EnSplodged as I am with all of you!!!

  Hope Daisy feels better soon - (((Hug))) from me (provided I will no longer infect her with my flu - I think it is gone or very nearly!) Enjoyed family singing "Hippo Birdie Day" with me (of-course I joined in!)

  -Mebenji

• 21/08/2008 @ 13:41 Mebenji said

  

  Saw Kathryn - Grrr, I was late! I'd gone to sleep early the evening before, mostly because I was annoyed - my eye (now eyes, plural) are bothering me and I think I will have to go find out what is going on...so itchy, irritated and raw feeling; I couldn't seem to leave it alone, unless I am sleeping, so that's what I did. Woke early, very early, too early?, :) so I was trying to make another picture for another brick - I do get rather caught up in these things, (so long as I can ignore my eye - it has, I should say, been my right eye which has been so annoying - I don't even use it! So why it gets so annoying MORE when I am doing something close like reading and making pictures, I don't know! Now my left eye is feeling itchy in the outer corner (eyes don't have corners!??how do I describe what I mean then, Mebe??) Feels like a bit of something got in there right now - only I can't wash it out - hope it doesn't get worse.

  So that, being late and now my eye being as it is, is Annoying - but now I cranky-Angry. I was tired when I came back (that's nothing new) so I went to sleep (also nothing new) and woke up (ditto) feeling like my flu has come back for seconds (grrr - I know, it was like this one year, few years ago with another flu that became three bouts it seemed - 'bout' like boxing; each day was another round. I've had a bit of a break, just long enough for me to think I really was through with it, but now It's Baa-aaack!! My brain has turned to goo again, I just don't feel well...so I am angry now!

  So, today with Kathryn - may as well just do it, "Kathryn". There, "Kathryn" again - but I don't know if I will ever actually use her name aloud. She got new furniture - good, methinks, her office does not look so stark, barren even as it did, what's more, the chair is 'tub' chair-like, soft black leather. While it does not have particularly thick padding in the seat, it is not too high nor too low - for me, it is pretty close to 'just right' (oh, would that it was at least ONE colour, like PURPLE!! She said some people didn't like it at all. Personally I am curious about why/how they feel about the chair they use, but will not; deliberately - maybe I might blurt out 'why' or express being curious/wondering/interested/intrigued -but I don't ask to be told anything about what other patients think/feel. I would not be bothered if I received no answer or a reminder that she cannot discuss other patients. That's as it should be.

  I was easily distracted today - there is just so much she does not know, I went off into expansion, back-story like you might find in a novel. Hopefully not too much, too often - or is THAT the story? you might wonder. In a sense, it is, though, much about what is in my mind is about or because of my back-story, what has lead me to be who I am, here and now.

  I feel more chatty with her - like we are two chums, gossipy. I'm hoping this is a good thing, for when it comes to talking about really deep and awful things, when all chattiness usually disappears. I was never so chatty with whatz'uz'name, so this chattiness gives me hope - long as she brings me back to topic, or sees some other value in following a lead I might have 'let slip'...

  Gotta go, oh dear, :( yucky feeling me!!!

• 22/08/2008 @ 06:31 unionmaid said

  

  Well it sounds like you two are off to a good start - you have Kathryn and I have Catherine.

  The comments about chairs are intriguing - I have never thought about chairs so much - Catherine has tub chairs also but in fabric and beige coloured - another shrink has deep red leather ones - it depends on my mood if I like them. Yesterday I left the chair and variously sat or lay on the floor depending on what I was talking about - she has a nice rug on the floor and I find it hugely interesting when I am finding it difficult to put together words that are painful - so I could pass therapy with a diploma in carpet quality control! I am glad this is feeling okay for you and I am sure at this stage what ever it is that you are talking about is all good for you. Love you lots UM xx

• 22/08/2008 @ 11:44 Mebenji said

  

  Hello UM,

  I am trying to be more positive, just relax more, don't put up the usual barriers - it doesn't happen easily or naturally to me - I guess that's why i feel a little restrained today, little withdrawn (what more usual - wouldn't need another word - what's a word for a more deeper, quieter sort or more than withdrawn feeling. I'm tired too...I need space - I don't know how you manage to find enough space and quiet for your needs, with children and husband, work etc - I'm alone and I don't feel I have enough space around me, enough quiet within me, even if/when I am not actively thinking...)

  I want to curl up and be quiet - unusually quiet that is...I mean, I'm usually quiet - don't make a heap of noise if I can. I startle myself if I drop something, or even my own voice - a response, like a laugh about something I've read hear, perhaps, or a comment I might make about what I've heard on the radio, as if they can hear me, or just 'cause I would like them to, or 'cause if I say it aloud it is a thought verified - like maybe I didn't really think it until it is said, so I might repeat the thought until I've said it, or just a brief few words of confirmation of it; acknowledging it aloud seems required. Not when I am writing, though. If I try to say what I'm thinking/writing, it is an interruption, an intrusion into the process.

  Even this feels too much right now - I need quiet and space around me (that includes feeling there is space within, surrounding the inner me...

  -Mebenji

• 22/08/2008 @ 22:19 unionmaid said

  

  Shhhh, let's just sit quietly together and let the quiet be all we hear. Just to be - without sound and thought - but maybe a doona. be gentle with yourself benj. UM x

• 08/09/2008 @ 17:49 Mebenji said

  

  Everlasting flu is bad enough, all by itself to make me cranky - but this is now getting beyond that - so I am thinking today my recent mood is also (not entirely in any event) due the the neverending flu. I'm thinking if I can just get rid of the neverending-everlasting flu (oh I don't know what I want to call this unreasonable bug!) I might cope still - I don't know even that for sure today. I'm getting to prickly, irritable, upset even at little frustrations, at any thing that isn't working perfectly, any tiny mistake I make may set me off.

  This Friday my writers' group will meet, and the idea this week is to bring some of the things we've been writing since we came together as a group, to work on, edit, with a view to getting a first publication out, next year W. is suggesting. Sounds good to me - I even have some things I would like to have included - even "Colour of Her Eyes" as a contrast to what I usually write. It's something 'nice' from me...funny couple things about 'Charly' (Write a letter to God - Higher Power, Allah, Jehovah, The Great Omnipresence - whoever, just call him -she said 'him'- Charlie) Well I respelled it Charly and never call Charly anything else. Frist I wrote short letters, asking questions, making observations - then, later, Charly does get round to responding. That was a fun one, though a little weird for an atheist, I must say...and deeper things, some more closely autobiographical than others. Mostly in response to exercises W had given us to do either while at the meetings or between meetings, optional 'homework'. And some poems I have revised a bit (not much, a word or two, a little punctuation - that's all I think I need to do - and I don't want to do more and have it feel like I am trying to conceal what was trying to be revealed when I first wrote them, some 30 years ago.

  ...but what did I do when I read an email from W wondering if I will attend, if I need her to print out some of what she has of mine (she doesn't have all of what I've done during my involvement with the writers' group) and if I will be bringing my laptop, please let her know .... I cried. I was so unsure if I could do it, if I would be able, if I can be ready, have what I want to go through ready, work with someone on it, not be so prickly, sensitive for the occoassion, helll, not cough so much would it self be nice - thinking would be nice...editing, critiquing, these things are very close to censorship and being criticized, and having to criticize me - not just my writing, I KNOW - intellectually - there's a difference: I fear at the moment I won't be able to not feel threatened by the situation, not feel personally attacked,

  I realise, embarrassingly reveal here, that I am hurt that Jomo didn't notice I suggested her picture was a "star fish thingy" (well, I wasn't ABSOLUTELY sure, I know - so tentatively suggested it, with a way to deny it if it turned out not to be...groan, tell meself, 'don't be silly. it is not an important thing to be acknowledged for, not like it was something serious we'd been in conversation about - trying to put it aside; still it lingers, like mud in the tread of my shoes, weighing me down - that's how bad this mood thing is getting...that's how I am more confident that at least some of what I am feeling is due ot having stopped medications - I wasn't so sure last Thursday when I saw Dr Kat - but now I am.

  -Oh dear, it is late now - but I felt I had to fix this up here first, before going to bed.

  -Mebenji

• 08/09/2008 @ 18:11 Mebenji said

  

  Oh, yeah - I forgot - my GP is away on holiday, a rather long holiday, with no one, like a locum, to take enough of the work load from the part-time GPs that work there - I want a new GP now. He won't be back 'til next week - all he's done is make an arrangement with the pharmacy to dispense drugs for regular 'scrips of regular patient's. & the secretary who answered the phone today was rather brusque with me, even though when she said, "How are you?" (politeness, not like she was really interested) and I said "not good at all" I'm not even sure she heard me - certainly made no effort to hear me either. Just told me that he won't be back 'til next week - well, I did say "I guess I'll live"...it was a bad conversation - but no, I think she was either too distracted or not listening when a patient rings to find out when their GP will be back, and is not feeling well, - oh it really was discouraging... and no, of-course, his disinterest in my mental health is ...well, not alright...

  I just saw how late it really is - I know I got up late this morning (early afternoon) because I hadn't got to sleep easily, (nose mostly - too hot next, just not comfortable, then my restless legs wanted to be restless, so I got up for a tablet for that helps that - I don't think I really need them every night, so I get lazy about it...

  so why don't I want to go to bed now? I know if I do get up and make a start for it, I will be tired....so why not, when being in bed can feel so good too, helps the tingly feelings, the anxiety feelings (are they still side-effects of not having the medication in my system? I'm not sure about that - because it seems to be worsening, not receding as my body adjusts to not having those chemicals.)

  Hmmmm

  -Mebenji

• 08/09/2008 @ 21:25 summer76 said

  

  Mebenji, Your experience with the GP service (same term over here - except we say practice) is ringing lot's of bells in my head. Just because you are a 'captive customer' they treat you like sxxx. Forgetting that one day soon they will be in this position.

  Over here I loathe the term 'customer' because it is misused so much. What ever happened to 'patient'....and they recognised we are a mite more vulnerable than customers.

  That said the one single thing that sends me absolutely apopleptic is bad 'customer service'. Perhaps because I train it - if you see what I mean.

  Like um says earlier. I am hoping you can find some peace and rest in your self right now. Always remember - On here you are the 'Splodgeness Royal'. I am imagining you in a cavernous four poster antique bed. Wearing the splodge crown. Snug and divinely comfortable in hand made rare silk and satin (Fair Trade of course)

  Take care benji

  Hugs

  summer x

• 09/09/2008 @ 04:12 Mebenji said

  

  Hi Summer. Over here, down here, GPs or General Practitioners, generally work in private practices in the community - oh sure, there are some at public hospitals that see people in Casualty Departments - I'm referring to the 'family Doctor' if you like, a person I usually see when I need to get a prescriptions, when you get sick, infections, have an accident, fall say and hurt yourself; and I can go and find another, if I choose, if I care enough to - there's another Doctors' Surgery across the road from his! I do tend to put up with what I have rather than finding something better or what I need. That's how I'm 'captive' - here I don't have to worry about paying; that's not a problem because the Federal Government's Medicare scheme provides for General Practitioners to be paid for treating people on low income, pensions ant such - if you got the Medicare care of-course...so the casual tourist has problems,temporary workers have problems, so for the most part, if a Doctors' Surgery is participating in the Medicare scheme, I don't have to pay, I can choose to see a Doctor there (I been using the therm GP to differentiate from Psychiatrist or other specialist type Doctor/Dr/Doc - sorry since you seem to have been a bit confused about these terms. No, what I do is ring up, make appointment for a particular GP whom I have chosen (not based on any really good information about - that part is still pot luck) and go see him at the time I've agreed to - a compromise usually between what I'd prefer and what is available. These are the people who refer 'general' patients to specialist Doctors; referrals are necessary to obtain Medicare benefits to offset what I pay for Specialists, like my Psychiatrist Dr Kat, or if I want to see an Ophthalmologist in Private Practice, which I did because going to the Public Hospital to for regular, routine check-ups on my eyes , keeping track of the glaucoma - I was assigned to that Ophthalmologist, and he was like a piece of wood to deal with. He didn't even answer direct questions, didn't explain anything properly - 3.5 hours sometimes (the hospital staff made every patients appointment for 1pm and you had to get there, or they wouldn't keep your name on the list that day -wait around, see a nurse for a few minutes, go wait in another nearby area. The doctors wouldn't even arrive until 2:30. It wasn't a good idea to go out for a smoke or to go to the toilet or to find a bit of food because if your name gets called then, and you are not there, your name may not be called again for another half an hour. Finally you see your Specialist, for all of 5 minutes if you're lucky, and just take the eye-drops as I been doing...oh it got tedious, even though these check-ups are not often. then one day, when it was apparent that my right eye was not continuing to respond to the drugs, he consulted with another, who was the one who did a little surgery on it - but he had so much more 'bed-side manner', he seemed interested, considerate, patient with 'difficult' patients...so finally when I learned he was going into Private Practice, I decided to follow him, even though that meant that now I would pay some of the fee for his services. For a while I even had Private Health Insurance, yet still I had to pay some - hell, the premiums I paid the Insurance company yearly cost more than what I got back - so eventually I stopped that and simply pay the whole amount of the bill to see an Ophthalmologist now. And a dentist is Private Practice, too.- Oh god, our public dental health services are in even worse shape than the hospitals, by a long way...

  Odd, I don't really like silk or satin - nice to look at, sure, just not to wear, or for sheets, no thanks - I like fluffy, fuzzy, warm and cuddly (long as the weather is not too hot for it)

  Ah, dear, Summer, (so many commas I must be sighing), I don't feel so smooth, more rough at the edges, 'cause too sensitive, I feel oddly I think lately I feel 'Spikey' when really it is as if everything around me is what has the sharp pointy surfaces and fingers and sounds and (well almost) colours. oh, Maybe I am, maybe I could, that's how I feel, but it would be in response to feeling so vulnerable to any slight insult - i all seems so out of kilter inside me, feels like it is the outside too - it's confusing me, confusing my perceptions I think...it's alright as I write; the day's young - I've only been up a couple hours...pattern that is clear is that I feel worse the longer I am awake...I was awake too long into the early hours of this morning...I will do stuff even though I know better...

  I think I need to go take a shower, go up the road and see about a new Doctor...

  Nice to have you here, too, Summer (((Hugs)))

  -Mebenji

• 09/09/2008 @ 07:40 Mebenji said

  

  Well, Even though I have been not really doing much, not being pressured, not in a hurry for anything - or some minor mistakes of typing, word choice, clicking just because I know I'm supposed to click something I think - before thinking it helps to locate and click a precise something to get the response I want form my computer; instead I just seem to click whatever is in the vicinity of what I want...aaarrrgghhh! I wish I'd stop doing that! Only what three, three and a half hours up and I was feeling more than a little tetchy, a generalized sensation, just waiting for a trigger...and it will come...and with each one my reaction feels worse, more intense...now someone is making knocking noises next door, and I geel tingly with each one and with saying aloud (but not loud) "shut up". because it has disturbed me and I don't NEED external disturbances to have an internal disturbance!

  So here we go again, I think....

  No, I gotta get up and moving faster or I will put off going up the road to check out who is practicing medicine across the road - I used to go there, but I had to wait sometimes more than an hour beyond my scheduled appointment time - never less than three-quarters of an hour...so when the Doctors' Surgery opened up across the road, I went over there...now, he barely seems to give a crap - repeatedly advises treatments which previously have not worked for me and I can imagine even if I could have seen him last week, this week, he'd have said it was seasonal - no, no, I don't think so! (& before you lot feel you ought to argue that it is, don't...my nose is not a happy place at the best of times, any and every time of the year.

  Be good to yourself, UM, Summer...me...am I? I don't know if I am.

  -Mebenji, well seasoned and stewing

• 11/09/2008 @ 09:11