I woke up this morning and in the first moment by senses felt like they were plummeting. I am disappointed to be here still - I keep hoping this is just a nightmare but it is not - and this is just how it is. It is.

I can deal with the thoughts in my head but it is the feelings that I don't know what to do with. Why are feelings so hard to 'be' with. They can be like room mates from hell - always messy and noisy and invading space. I know they are related but it is all about capacity I guess. I have dealt with this by ignoring the thoughts choosing to feel permanently cold rather than let me experience the true weight of the feelings. Now that doesn't work anymore - once I gave them permission to exist that just exploded like an algal bloom fills a water course and suffocates all life below it. It would be much easier it was a tap instead of an amazon like river - Even with a dripping tap it can be fixed.

Now it will take me all of my resolve and energy to find a lift or a rope that I can start my climb up again - hand over hand inch by inch until I feel like I can operate without feeling that I am lost within this black world. Even living in an onion patch is easier than this. Sometimes it is so black that I don't know where to look for light and to know which way is up. There is no gravity here - no bottom and no sides so there is nothing to use to guide my direction. If I find a rope I never know if I am going up or to another dead end - where my efforts don't seem to bring a reward. I could be climbing lower and not know it.

I don't know what I know today.