Hello Chakwaina,

I've had to ask myself, "Now, what is the name for this feeling?" or even, "How many feelings is this?"/ Now I am in the realms of which I can accept and cope with, which not. Which are easier, which are not. Seems to me they're all vying for the title of most difficult. Even love, when I think maybe I do, or is it infatuation, lust, desire, fascination or intrigue? Some days it is fear that I fear most. Other days it is anger I fear, and that makes me angry. Sometimes I feel so angry I have thought I could kill someone. Sometimes I am hurting so much, I have hurt myself for relief. The answer for each doesn't make much sense in the cold light of indifference - on another day, because in fact I know, intellectually, it is all human and  the only cure for emotions is to accept them for what they are: emotions. A whole lot easier said than done. So in conclusion, I think acceptance for me is the hardest.

-Mebenji

Emotions.  I cannot connect with my emotions, that is part of my mental disorder.  I am dissociated from them.  I can intellectualise about 'em, and so forth, but feeling them?  No.  I simply slip away to another persona/place/part where I don't have to deal with that.  I skim through my life like an actor perpetually ad libbing. 

You see Samman, there's always or often a first time. I think it's great that you're able to express what you have inside yourself.

I have difficulties to deal with anger, because I was never really allowed to express it. Most of my anger was rooted in the inequity I had to endure on some aspect of my life, which includes that since very young I never truely and completely had my place. Whether in my family or with my "friends"!!! 

Now that I know all this, I'm very alertand make sure I won't have to face inequity again.