Hi GlobalChick,

I guess you know best the personalities of your friends and that is important.  So my only experience with this is having been one of the carers for my mum who died of lung cancer, and with my husband who has Parkinsons Disease and yes even this disease hangs heavily over our heads -I can't imagine what  it like when the illness is cancer.

I am not someone that anyone would describe as a talker in my real life.  But even in spite of this, I am most uncomfortable when people don't talk about it.  I guess there is a balance in how much people want to talk - but there is a range of things that you could do to provide support. 

Your friend with the ill husband might just be happy going out occassionally for a coffee and a quiet place to escape to talk - I don't think it really helps to say,"I'm sure it will be okay" but for some reason we all do.  I think the best thing that one of my friends ever said was simply, "you know I am in your corner - anytime you need anything I'm here"  It was quite the simplest and best sentiment I thnk I ever received.

You might think about whether your friends with the small child might like some time to themselves - maybe you could take the child out for a drive or something and let them have some time - or offer to babysit and let them go for a meal or a walk together.  I know that being a carer for my mum -just getting out for a while and walking was quite wonderful - maybe it might be like that for them too.

But honestly, I think the best thing is to offer to listen - and offer to do whatever it is that might help them.  I'm sure if there is something they need then they will let you know - but it may not be straightaway.  If they don't need anything now then just let them know your offer is good and keep your ears open in the conversation in case you hear of something. 

Whatever is your usual pattern of visiting your friends - I wouldn't vary too much unless you talk it through with your friends.  Some people react by visiting more often and if others are doing this too then it can be really exhausting - but some stop visiting and that can be hurtful - again I think it needs a conversation.

Hope this helps, it's good you put this into a TA as there are probably lots of different experiences around the Wall that will be useful to hear and think about.

UM 

Hello Global Chick,

((hugs)) for you, too. It must be awfully difficult for you too, knowing people close to you live these circumstances and not knowing what to say or do. One thing from UM, I feel is so importsnt I want to say it again. Let them know you are there, will be there, ready and able to help with whatever they need, Can you just ask, "Is there anything I can do?", "How can I help?", "Do you need anything?", and by all means, if you think you can, offer to babysit the little girl so her parents can go out awhile. Do your friends spend a lot of time visiting Doctors or hospital clinics? Maybe they would appreciate your being with them there? Just ask...don't assume what they want or need, or what they don't want or need. I think it would be best to ask.

You sound like a very caring and generous friend. All the best.

-Mebenji

Such a hard one Global Chick - wanting to find the words and afraid of getting it all wrong. Just three simple sentences that echo much that has already been said. Let them know you are there and keep letting them know even if they do not respond; be present when you are with them and value normality and silence; never be afraid to ask what would help. Thinking of you, hugs roze

Hello Global Chick,

Already you have had wonderful advice form several people but I thought I'd add my thoughts. 

Tonight I've just returned from visiting my beautiful sister who lives 100 miles away.  In March she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I have visited her every week since.  Today I brought my two youngest daughters to whom my sister is very close.  My sister is facing her future with such courage and dignity.  It is inspiring.  Today we took our cue from her.  We listend as she talked about her treatment, her hopes and fears for the future.  The emphasis was most decidedly on the present and remembering the past good times. She spoiled my daughters utterly when they were young and they will never forget.  I know that she will live on in them.  Today we pampered her and listened carefully and did not shy away from the subject of her future and how little time she has.  No one cried or showed the sadness that we all feel.  She is an extraordinary woman.  Her business was fashion and she is still vibrant and beautiful.

My suggestion is simply this - pick up on the vibe from your ill friend and the parents of the very sick child.  Listen to your heart and follow your instincts when it comes to offering support and help.  You cannot go wrong.  The honesty and reality of your true feelings will guide you.  The very fact that you sought out other's opinion tells me that you already are a sensitive caring and empathetic person.  I wish you well - especially in coping with your own illness in the midst of all of this.

Let me finish on this very positive note:  this afternoon, and within one mile of my sister's apartment, my car broke down (the clutch!) in the middle of a very busy unfamiliar city.  I was at a loss (ie, frantic!) and trying to hold it together for my daughters' sake.  I had no idea what to do next when  a total stranger stopped, offered to drive my car and let me drive his van to my sister's place.  I've never driven a big van before.  This man than spent half an hour trying to fix the clutch and when his attempts failed took the car to a mechanic friend and will return it repaired in a few day's time ready for me to collect.

I've strayed a bit from the subject I know, but I want to reinforce the fact that here are good people out there - I've realised recently that you only have to ask. 

Take good care of yourself and good luck with everything that you are trying to achieve.  XX