Talkabout

24/04/2008 @ 17:47 Annamarie7 said:

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This is a total brain drain and I am new to this but I need some advice. Bascially I have a fantastic boyfriend whom I have been with now for 2 years, he lives 100 miles away and always has but we make it work by seeing each other weekends etc. It is the most equal relationship I have ever had and being with him is amazing. It is coming to the time when conversations about living together are happening and should be such a happy time but for all of the fantatsic things he is he is very inflexible to location and wants to be near his family. He is very close to his family and I have a dire relationship with mine (abusive father, self absored mother) and I have lived in London for 5 years trying to get away from their labels of me being stupid and worthless and making friends who in turn have become my own family. My concern is this....if I move somewhere where I know no-one and I rely on him for my social network etc and loose a sense of my independance which I have fought tirelessly for, for 5 years. The people there aren't like me they are like the small town mindset I chose to move away from. I have a very good job and am successful but going up there I feel I would be a nobody and worry I would become resentful towards him as his life would still be so easy as he wouldn't be changing anything. I am sure this is very trivial compared to other peoples problems but it is bothering me every day and I am trying to talk myself out of the perfect man for me for my insecurities and fear of rejection .......I am pretty sure this is linked to the rejection by my family but how can I be set free of that? I also assume that rgeardless of who I end up with I will end up in the divorce courts as it would just be too good to be true for something perfect to happen to me. I can control my career success but I am terrified of letting go completly to something I feel I have no control over and may not be satisfied by. Help x
24/04/2008 @ 20:44 roze said:

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Hey AM7 - welcome here. This is such a difficult one - have been there, lived it and carried the badge and the Tshirt for far too long - so i may not be the best person to offer a view. I feel this - inside of us we know what we have struggled with to be where we are - we learn to understand what reasons have brought us to the places we are and what we have chosen to leave behind - if only geographically. To move to be with someone back to that place - in terms of its meaning rather than a particular place - is a journey into territory that we have placed somewhere in our own history. To be with someone that is 'stuck' where they are - for whatever reason - can be an important mirror to the reasons that we decided not to remain 'stuck'. Being drawn into a stuck place can be dangerous to self. If there is a depth of love between you perhaps that love needs a new location altogether - where neither stuck nor found world dominates? We all have different needs for security and what offers us safety. Being in another's world - that is too strong a memory of what we left - and that offers only one a particular comfort - is unlikely to be a place of mutual growth and happiness. What is your instinct telling you? love roze
24/04/2008 @ 22:43 Wolfie said:

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Hello annemarie, what a difficult situation you are facing. Can I ask, can you have a career in your partner's town? And how do you get on with his family? Do you have a good relationship with them? Best wishes, Wx
25/04/2008 @ 00:30 UMxx said:

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Hello Annamarie7,

First off I want to say that I think decisions about the future are never trivial - in fact I think what you are dealing with is a really big decision. And to this I would add that you seem to understand that there would be many challenges in any change.

A couple of things strike me from your post. I wonder about the real flexibility that might exist in this relationship as you say your boyfriend is inflexible about the location. It's great that he has a tremendous connection to his family but I guess I read that his family is getting priority in this decision. And it is very insightful of you to know that away from the people who are your support and loved one, that all you will have is your boyfriend and that would be a fairly intense situation I would imagine. Any move is going to be difficult but unless you have real hope that you could build a simlar support group in the new town then you would be making a decision that a broad support group is less important to you than the one relationship.

When it comes to work, some of us need it more than others - mine gives me so much and so I live in a big stinky city because of it despite my love of regional and rural life. Part of it is about career and part of it is about what you get out of being able to be mobile and have choices to change and develop in the work you do. It does not have to be the be all of everything in your life - but it does feel like you might be giving up something you enjoy in this part of your life.

Well this isn't just about calculations of wining and losing but it is important to think about how you will have a good quality of life - not just survive and cope. Until you get a really strong gut level feel about needing to be with this man all of the time and none of the other stuff matters then the weekend arrangements seem to be working pretty well - you probably get more meaningful time together by doing it this way. My sense is that you will know very clearly in your heart when this decision can be made.

And as for perfect? It never is, though it can be pretty damned good! Don't forget to be nice to yourself :)

UM
25/04/2008 @ 03:30 cate said:

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Hi Annamarie7. There are many insightful responses to your post. I believe that the only way you really know someone ( and yourself ) is by living together and dealing with crisis es and challenges . How well do you know his friends and family? What would you be giving up to make the move to be with him. Clearly your career is of importance and continuity of employment fulfills your need for independence .I wouldn't compromise that in view of the fact that your relationship is still early days. I think I would get to know the family better you never know you may come to be as fond of them as he is . Family can be a wonderful support . Try to understand why he is so close to them- does he mirror the qualities and values you love him for? Put aside negative thoughts - the talk of divorce in the future- I wish you well, Cate xx
26/04/2008 @ 15:36 Annamarie7 said:

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Thanks so much everyone, this has given me a really clear perspective. I told him yesterday that I felt pressured to move and wasn't ready to leave what I have created etc just yet and want to enjoy my present where I am and that I veyr much want him to enjoy the times down here with me. His response, he told me that he thought I was very brave and he was glad that I was honest. I feel so relieved and I agree my gut instinct has never been wrong I guess I just couldn't feel it so clearly so really needed a bit of help. His family are wonderful people and I am welcomed into their home and their lives whenever I am around and I enjoy them very much - I guess I am just going to enjoy being 'me' a little longer.
I can't say thank you enough............x
26/04/2008 @ 23:35 Isabella said:

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Hello Annamarie7. Well, I must admit I sighed a sigh of relief upon reading your decision. My opinion is that you decided the right thing. Also, done that been there... Good luck, have fun. Isabella
27/04/2008 @ 08:44 cate said:

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Hi annemarie7, I so believe in trusting your instincts. Not rushing into the relationship . your openness and honesty has made him respect you even more. I f you can let us know how things are going. Cheers, Cate xx
27/04/2008 @ 12:32 catkins said:

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hi,i feel sad reading your message.this is the first time for me on this wall and yours was the first thing that i read.like a previous response to you,i have been there read the book etc....not that that helps.all i can say is that i married a man i met in another part of the country and settled there.it was only because i had 4 children and was so totally focused on them that i left no time for worrying about how i felt about missing my family etc in the south.it would always come to a head though when we visited them and i would be in the car coming back to the midlands in tears and would end up pacing my bedroom when we got back.in torment,longing to be with my family.i never called the midlands home.anyway,kids grew up and i did some college courses and met someone who set my whole life alive.....yes..even here in the midlands and after 20 odd years of never calling this place home...i wouldnt want to be anywhere else now because the love of my life is here.im not sure if this helps you and i think im just trying to tell you that if you truly,truly love this bloke then you will be okay and you will settle and hopefully build a new life.you must be sure of your love for him.the resentment that built up in me for my ex husband killed everything and yet now we are good friends.i wish i could help you more.it is a desision only you can make but i know the longing i felt to be with my family in the south.it is easy yo make a new life,what you have to be sure of is if you WANT to make a new life with your man.do get in touch if you need advice....with age comes the wisdom the youth hanker for.all the best in your decision!!!!
27/04/2008 @ 14:56 Anonymous said:

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This is my first "Talkabout" post on Big white wall so I will keep my post short and sweet.
...When we have challenging decisions looming I believe in responding to them only when they become real. We could otherwise spend far too much time thinking about the future and a long list of exhausting" what ifs."
If I can add secondly ( and staying short and sweet ) that when it comes to making a big life changing decision you will know if it is right deep inside you: deep in your gut...
I wish you the very best.

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