It is brave to make a move to a new place. And yet it is perhaps easier that staying somewhere that feels stuck with heavy memories. If you want  to talk about those and what makes you feel you want to leave behind - we are here and listening. Yet i hear that you have had these thoughts for some time and i am wondering what it is that has kept you where you are? Take care, roze

Roze - I'll come back later to give more details to explain why I want to go elsewhere.

SleeplessKnight - what you say is so true and I don't remember anymore how many times have I asked myself that question. 

To answer Muse question first, if I go elsewhere, it will at least in a diffrent country, or even a different continent.

So here we go, some more details to give you a glimpse of what's pushing me to leave.

There are different reasons behind my idea of going elsewhere. My life, my origins, the place where I live, the people where I live, the mentality where I live, the geographical dimensions where I live. All that is where I’ve always been and known, except during the holidays. What I’ve realised over the last ten years or so is the impact of my origins on my life. How unaware of my ignorance I was, how my supposedly father only did and calculated things to satisfy his own ego, how dangerous he was for the whole family, how my mother tried her best to move forward without knowing understanding why he behaved as he did, how I had to teach her to see who her husband was in truth, not what he showed or said, and so on.



I’ve discovered that from very young, because of the circumstances related to my family and my sister’s health, I became a ”big boy” and went that way ever since. It’s not easy for me to talk about me. I know things that I’ve had to go through have had a tremendous effect on my life. When my sister died, I was about to turn ten. I remember pretty well how shocked I felt when I was told. Then I slipped into some kind of unconsciousness, for five years. School became a lost battle, a walk in the desert. At home, tension grew between my parents. My mother coped with all of them because it was very important that her sons have a father. Now she knows it wasn’t the best choice. Outside my family, people were generally charmed by that man who has never been a father, nor a husband. And even though some of these so-called friends knew he wasn’t always behaving normally, no one was there to do something, help, or whatever. Because of him, people abandonned us. For my part and from the moment my sister died, I’ve never had true friends although I often thought I had. Most of them cheated with me. That’s why I said the other day that I’m fed up! I’ve always been alone.



Some eleven years ago, as I started to live my own life out of the “family nest”, my sister-in-law killed herself and thus left my brother with their baby boy. My mother stepped in to help him cope with life as I did too. Finally she was there for him and I was there to suport her. Before that event, my family already completely haywire, afterwards it became worse and still hasn’t settled yet.



I’m sorry if what I’ve written above isn’t clear enough, but it’s difficult for me tell it. It is so tufted. Perhaps it’s better if you ask questions.



 

Hi again overseas, and thank you for your honest post. It sounds like you have dealt with a huge amount and also, from the sounds of things, held a lot of people together and been 'the strong one' - is this right? I am still unsure of the situation with your father, you hint that things were not OK, but not more. Thats OK though if you dont want to describe this further. I wonder though what your relationship with him is like now?

I think it is sad that you felt you could no longer trust your friends since the death of your sister, that you questioned their intentions and so forth. How old were you when your sister died?  

As for going away, I gues the next question is what do you hope to acheive from doing this? When you think about going away, how do you see it all panning out? My advice on this for now would be not to do anything on the spurr of the moment - instead how about researching some places, jobs and actually have a solid plan so you are not just wandering from one unfullfilling situation into potentially another.

Hope this is of some help - keep talking

Zx 

Sometimes, because of all the things I’ve had to deal with, I feel completely flat, as if I had burned my energy faster than what should have been. Without knowing it, I was the main pillar of my family me, the youngest. It was a hard battle to have my voice heard by the others. Bad habits are difficult to change, I knew what was wrong, but I had show them and make sure they understand what I was talking about. Two years ago, when my desire to move was so strong, I was ready to quit everything overnight without a word just to free myself and save my life. When I realised that my life was in danger, I fought hard against that impulse pushing me to run because I felt I had to know what was putting my life in danger. I finally saw what the problem was. Simply put, I’ve never really had my place in my family contrary to my older brother whose always been the favourite of my father and also for some other family members. The problem of my place became even worse following the death of my sister-in-law, and is not yet resolved. I’m not sure it will ever be completely resolved. Both my mother and brother are worried by my situation, but they tend to interfere in my life without really knowing me. In fact, when I finally talked to my mother about how I feel, she became so worried that the problem became worse. I had to stop her to protect my space from her concerns. At last, she understood that behaving like that was not helping me at all. Far from it. All I was asking for is to be respected for what I am. With my brother, it’s another story. The communication between us is really bad. He has his own problems of course but he tries to keep under control all his emotions. Thus things can turn sour easily and he becomes rather aggressive. As I have no energy for that, and as he is so cold, I simply can’t speak with him of who I’m. Another problem between us is our father. While he’s staying in touch with that man, I don’t. I can’t keep a link with that man. I know that my brother don’t understand why I don’t want to see our father, but he has never asked any questions about it. About friends, between 10 and 15 I had none. Even at school I was alone in my corner. I was the kid that had lost his sister. I often felt myself as an alien. I wasn’t really integrated in my class. More like a shadow than anything else. After 15, things improved slightly, but not much. I tended to be with others only to avoid loneliness. I understood it was better for me to be alone than with anybody at any price. In fact, since I became an adult I’ve never met someone trustworthy. They all seemed nice and open, but all were more eager to be with me for their own ego than for being with me. Many times I thought it was great to have friends, until you realised that they are not really listening to what you say, most of the time you get news from them either because they need you or because you care for them. Two years ago, I met that guy through the web and tried to become friend with him He seemed so much open minded that he wanted to know more about me and my life, even the difficult parts. Reluctantly I gave him many details and talked openly. As he lived in my city, we met and ate a diner together. Overnight everything changed, the open minded guy vanished and was replaced by someone cold only interested to find a new partner for his life, probably to avoid loneliness. All he did was to play a game until he could decide whether I was what he was looking or not. As I didn’t fit his own taste things turned sour and I choose to cut the link. I was so hurt and astonished by so much falseness. Since then, I’ve decided not to try anymore to meet people where I live and that’s what I’ve done. We are living in a wealthy place, but that’s all we have here. Money, materialism, superficiality, arrogance. After experiencing so many bad things here, the idea of moving elsewhere is stronger than ever. I believe that by doing so, I’ll see new horizons, new energies, meet people having a less wealthy life but proportionately more human. That’s what “away” means for me. Something different than here.

Hi alba, if I'm still where I'm it's because I've hold out from running away from me as you say.

What you said about your own experience helps and rather confirms my thoughts. About my sexuality, I know that I'm gay and what I wrote about that guy was just to show what I had to face.