i hate it.

i hate that stupid feeling of being so trapped adn locked up by myself. its so lonely and unwelcoming. why am i here if its not inviting?  if its not inviting why am i here? wh oinvited me to this trapp?

i get so wrapped up in these walls that just box me in like a lab rat and push me in and push me down. theis trapp is so forcefull like those hands. the ones that hurt. they are like words with guns that shoot at you eveytime they care spoken. spoken silently.

being in this place is making me twist out and just lose control. why do i have to e here. the feeling is like suffocation. sweet suffocation with a hint of addiction. its something you hate to love and love to hate. its something htat makes you feel things so you keep leting the words shoot you and the hands hurt you inhopes that you can feel something one day other than what you feel inside of these walls. 

 you try so hard to runaway from yourself because you know you are hurting yourself and you still don't care. but the running doesn't stop once your legs are moving. they don't stop and you are soon runing you of space to run to and soon you are trapped again. but its a difrent kind of trapped. its like the feeling of saying goodbye for the last time-everything feels so tight and your head is nautious. what do they call that?

i almost cant stop myself against teh blade and the running and the hands and teh words that strike. they strike again and again and when i feel like i can feel it i just turn to the rope.

the roope is a blackout- big escape and a drowning that you awake from

and you just keep don gin because the black sleep is so soothing

and when you wake up again you ae back to runnin from yourself....

its the trapped feeling of repeatition.

How do you think you're seen SS, did you identify with what silently said about feeling trapped, and trapped in a cycle? I know you've posted elsewhere about your wife and what she's going through, does that situation make you feel cut off from people, or isolated?