Its 1:27am, it is approximately, 1 year 4 months 10 days since I last spoke to you; I was just tidying my bookshelves and came across the chessboard we bough together, and used to play on, a few of the pieces are lost and some broken I decided to throw it away, however the tears that rolled down my cheeks and sobs that came was not a decision I made, it just happened.. 

Just as this loving you happened!  I am sure you have moved on in life and are happy with your partner and kid.  I suppose some of us are just  meant to love on without any hope of wanting the beloved. 

 You know the hardest thing is knowing that we truly loved each  other, and I die a thousand deaths to carry on each day.

Not sure why I am writing this on this place, I suppose my journal pages are tired of embracing your story each day, since you are mute, deaf and dumb to my love, to my world, to my life, with each and every passing breath.  Even my sleeps wake up to ask why you are absent from my dreams? 

JUst to let you know, It hurts to have lost you, it hurts so much to have lost a large part of myself.  But you know how stubborn I am, so I just carry on,  you know living, working, studying, socialising, eating the lot!!

I love you and always will. 

Shopno,

Losing someone that we love so deeply and intensely can and does hurt with a pain that no-one will understand who has not experienced it. I have and so I know how you feel (and that is not a phrase I use lightly).

For me the pain stretches back over 40 years and until quite recently, was destroying me from the inside out. Then I started to talk about it here and very slowly I have come to view things differently and now the pain is starting to ease. It's been a year since I first opened up and if I'm honest I never thought that just talking anonymously about a problem would ever be of use - how wrong can you be?

So, what I'm trying to say is, please feel free to tell as much or as little about your situation as you feel comfortable with, there are loads of us here who would love to help.

Take care,

Swon.

dear shopnot,

I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this. Just so you know, people here love you and care for you. All you need is just a hug and some time. Time heals everything. You are not alone, everyone grieves with you.

Big bear hug and lots of love,

RJ