Ok, where do I start?

Start at the beginning..I've always been kind of shy, and never had much confidence, mainly due to the fact that I was bullied at school and picked on. I went to uni 5 years ago and got a degree, and that time was the happiest of my life. I had plenty friends, and social outings, a couple of boyfriends, and many flings!

But now...I can't get a job in the area I studied in (neuroscience), I live in Ireland so there's even less opportunities here. I am open-minded when it comes to moving abroad, and I wouldn't think twice about it. But I've applied for everything I think I'd be suitably qualified in, and rarely get an interview, and if I do, I never get the job. At the moment, I'm stuck in a call centre, and I hate it! I have to listen to people moaning all day long, and treating me like I'm insignificant. I've applied for a PhD, and got offered it, but I'm not sure if this is what I should be doing, as it is such a huge commitment, and I just don't want to do it just because there's nothing else to do. I would love to just give up my current job, and take an extended break, but I just can't afford that, especially in the current economic situation!

Besides my work, it seems that nothing in my life is going well at the moment. I am so unhappy with my life situation, I have hardly any friends left. Whenever I text them to arrange to meet up, they say yes, and that's it, I never hear from them again. I'm so tired of it, that I never go out. I have one friend who I can always rely on, which I am grateful for, but she has her own life and a boyfriend, so does not always get to see me. I am not good in social situations, and feel that I have to bite my lip when I start complaining how bad my life is, because, let's face it, noone realy wants to listen to that. I hate night clubs, because most of the men just look you up and down and turn away in disgust. They look at you like you're a piece of meat. I am a size 16, and do feel confident in my body (Gok style!) but of course i'd like to be slimmer. Lots of people tell me I have a pretty face, which is ok, but I find it hard to believe sometimes. I like to think I've got my own style, i like music, the arts, i am intelligent. Everytime I go out, I come home in tears because someone has rejected me, or looked at me the wrong way. Therefore, I just avoid social situations which makes me feel like this. But then, if I stay in on my own, I get depressed and start thinking and mulling over everything. So I just don't know what to do!

Sometimes, when I find myself thinking negatively, I try to turn it around, and curse myself for being so selfish, but I can't seem to stop. So far today, I've been feeling so helpless, and just want to phone somebody to talk to, but I get embarrassed if it's my mum, and my friend is working, so i've noone to turn to. I just want to feel wanted and loved sometimes. It's been over 4 years since i've had a boyfriend. I know i've a long life left hopefully, but I don't want to feel like this forever. I am oversensitive, paranoid, and lots of things associated with these.

Where do I go from here? Where do I start? I went to counselling, but I didn't find it too useful. 

Hi lostandconfused, please you found this place. I can empathise with some of your feelings of isolation but at the other end of the spectrum. University, wish I had been there, would have been long ago and way before the criminally short sighted fees. Your time at Uni sounds truly great. As it should be. Wish I had tried it. Pleased for you.

The one thing you seem to have going for you is a very strong motor. You know what is wrong with it and have some good ideas about how to get it going again. I hope you can find a 'service' that works for you.

Not sure I can offer too much advice to one so young. But there are just two words in your post that compelled me to empathise and reply. CALL CENTRE. For the record I sometimes, very infrequently thankfully, train call centre staff. Loathe the whole culture.  As do most over qualified (not just in terms of education) people in them. OK there are just a few who can relate to it but I really feel for you having to visit that brain drain factory.

Forgive me this insight. It may not help you personally but it might inform an analysis of where you are forced to work. Case of  new technology ruling people. It happened in the industrial revolution when the 'spinning loom' led to such uncontrolled wild private profit sight was lost of basic human needs and decency. Do you have to tick a list that that indicates a visit to the toilet. People I train do. Utterly degrading. Needless to say I do my 'little bit' to cause as much rebellion as possible.

Vicious modern institution. Never sure who gets the worst. The Staff or the customer.

Anyway. I am sure you will find your way and happier times. Sorry you had to spend time in the factory. In terms of servicing the engine the brain seems in pretty good nick. Keep it that way. All the best for the life ahead of you

Cheers

summer

Hello lostand confused - I'm glad you found the Big White Wall and a place to talk about how you are feeling.

Things don't seem that great at the moment  - is there something , even a small thing that would make a difference to how you feel?  I joined a choir once with a couple of people just because it was something we all thought might get us through 12 years of political pain - funny thing is once it got big I didn't want to be there anymore and didn't need it either.  Sometimes we just need something to get us through the bad times - like a transition.

Your heart is questioning whether the PhD is the way to go and you aren't really certain it is what you want - well - it is such a big undertaking and for the energy that it takes I am guessing that it would need to be a passion for you to work your way through.

So much of the work these days can be soul destroying - I suspect even a very good call centre would not be the environment you would like to work in.  I know nothing about neuro science - but how about you check out organisations and work your way through until you find a HR manager or another manager who is prepared to give you even ten minutes to talk you through the jobs in their organisation and how you might be able to be positioned better to get a job.  Often just demonstrating that you have get up and go might trigger something.

In places where I have managed, I have "found" (always a funny term as I don't think they were ever "lost") incredibly talented good fits to jobs by keeping a list of people who rang me  rather than waiting for a job to be advertised.  Along the way you will be able to work out who you would rather work for and a bit about the organisation.

This can take a bit of energy - especially if you are feeling down so don't try to take on too much at once - maybe just one phone call - be really nice to the telephone receptionist say it quickly and with sincerity and just occassionally they will put you through to someone that they really know will give you a hearing.

I read that you had given counselling a go - and that you didn't find it too useful - yep had that reaction more times than I care to remember - it is worthwhile trying to find someone that you really "click" with especially in terms of having someone work with you while you are feeling burdened by what is happening right now.  Sometimes we need to give tactics a few goes before we get the right match.  

Lastly is there something that gives you a sense of fun and pleasure at the moment?  Even if it is something small like taking time for yourself and doing something like playing tennis or learning how to do a highland fling now is the time to just give it a go.  It doesn't have to be something that you do for longer than a few weeks - giving something a go can be quite enjoyable especially if you don't have expectations of anything more than having a fun couple of hours a week.

I am sending you a package of hugs - I hope you find that life takes a turn for the better soon

UM xx

Hi lostandconfused - nice to meet you.

It can be soul destroying waiting to get that job in your field after uni. and I really feel for you.  I spent 5 yrs in full time higher educ and was unemployed for some months at the end of it all! My great niece has recently qualified in forensics and is sick of interviews but no jobs.

Apologies in advance here, because I'm going to offer you practicacl advice, not emotional support...... It's the same advice I gave my great niece when I saw her recently.

Looking at your first post, what struck me was you saying that you apply for jobs but seldom ever get an interview.  When someone with the right quals tells me that, I immediately think that they need to do an in-depth review of their CV(s) and covering letter, because (where there is no application form) it's the CV an covering letter that gets you the interview.  I've been reading graduate applicants' CVs, for about 15 years now and they are frequently outstandingly awful.  Apologies for suggestion  if yours is already brilliant, but honestly, re look at every word you've written, get others  to read it - eg Universtity careers guidance people and also ensure you link job spec to the skills and qualities you list on your CV.  I can't tell you how many people get rejected simply on CVs alone - and how many people think their CV is good when it is only mediocre, or worse. 

Also, I wondered if you have registered yourself with all the medical/ secience related agencies in your area and beyond. Also I guess you know about the jobs in charities web page where they also have volunteer positions. Good if you don't mind moving away. eg:

 http://www.jobsincharities.co.uk/

http://jobs.thirdsector.co.uk/jobs/?

 Also, have you writen spec letters to all the employers you'd like to work for...followed up with a phone call a couple of week later?

 Good to hear you can have a bit of a laugh at current job and I hope it won't be current for too much longer.  Good luck.

Love Harmony

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies again. I'm not as regular as I'd like to be on here! After spending 11 hours in front of a computer screen, the last thing I want to do is see another one at home! Even though, of course, it's nice to come on here and chat.

I feel slightly better now, even though my life situation is still the same. I met up with an old friend yesterday so that was nice.

On the subject of love. Have you found it? Are you happy? I have been single for about 4 years now, and at times I just really need a boyfriend. Someone to love me, care for me, and take away my lonliness. Whenever I seem interested in someone though, I don't know if it's love or lust? Or I mistake friendliness for someone being attracted to me. I made a move on a guy recently from work, and he said no, and I really thought he was interested. But I guess I was fooling myself too. I wasn't that interested in him after. Now there's another guy, who i've known about a year. We get on well at work, have a laugh together, and have gone out for drinks before. But I am afraid to make a move, because I just hate being rejected. And I'm not sure if this guy is just a player, and if he's not really interested in anything other than sex? I asked him would he like to go for a drink sometime, and he said yeah, so we'll have to see if he keeps his promise. The thing is, he acts the same around every girl at work, and flirts with everyone! He made some joke about me earlier, and I just laughed it off and didn't think about it, and then after he emailed me and asked was I annoyed with him, and that it was just a joke. I would really like a relationship wit this guy but I don't know how to say it to him, I just don't have enough confidence. He is an attractive, friendly and outgoing person, who's generally very charismatic and charming (He's Spanish!) and he has mentioned that his previous GF was a model! Any ideas?

Thanks again for all your support, it's really made a difference.

PS: I'm browsing through "cognitive behavioural therapy for dummies" at the moment, and i'm astonished about how it works. Everything they've mentioned so far has been applicable to me. Has anyone tried this? 

p.s. I'm not saying don't go for it with Spanish guy-it's just you said you'd like a relationship with him-rather than getting to know him more.

Don't know about you but I have definitely got all lusty( I think it's lovey) over someone only to find out a few months down the line that I don't lget on with their personality-I always call it the honeymoon period-6-8 weeks and niggles start appearing, differences and usually they 'change'......still that could just be me!!

xx