I find myself in a place where I feel stuck and don't want to stay here but am scared to take a step which I think will just land me in sadness again. 

I need to tell you a story - when I left school and moved to the city, I thought life would be so different - I went to uni and lived in student accommodation but before too long I found myself really depressed and was making plans to end my life - but never talked about it.  Almost out of nowhere someone I had met before and had always lived in the city befriended me and without really talking to me directly about depression just started making sure that I was busy and gave me her friendship.  We stayed friends for years - I ended up leaving uni and living in a room under her parents house - we moved out into a share house together and we were fairly inseparable.   Over the years we moved in different directions and we lost touch.  About four years ago out of the blue I got a phone call from her and she had tracked me down.  She told me how her marriage was rocky, she had breast cancer and her three kids were all teenagers - but life was tough - and so the friendship recommenced and we would ring and email.

About 6 months later the cancer returned and she told her husband who moved out and she was dealing with having to get treatment and look after the kids by herself because her husband couldn't take the pressure of living through the worry of her being sick again.

I kept writing emails but it was obvious that the chemo was getting the better of her so I agreed that I would keep writing and she shouldn't feel pressed to respond.  After a couple of months passed and I received no responses at all I was worried - none of the emails ever bounced but I never received a reply.  So now for nearly three years I have lived with the fear that she didn't make it.  For the life of me I don't know why I couldn't and can't ring her family home and just ask the question.  It is like I don't want to accept that it is true - I have this silly hope that she and I have just grown apart again and one day we will meet up.

I feel so stupid for being like this - It isn't like I haven't dealt with death before.  I have. I just don't know my self as this cowardly person but it is really stuck in my head that I am being a scared person and not brave enough to find out about  a good friend.  I know what I have to do - why can't I just face up to the facts?