To be honest, I think it should be a set format, so that you don't have to think about it - I posted a brick about a recent loss we've had in our extended family, it was nice to put a bit of a memorial out there. But, I think it really helped that the way everything was handled was so scripted, that there was a *right* way to do things? Stops rows too, if you're from a big family. I mean, who are funerals really for? The family, right? And it's, like, the last thing you want to be doing, and yet you're made go through it.

i was at a funeral of a very special friend earlier this year - someone i have known for over 20 years. he was a poet. he died a few hours before i got there and my name was the last word he spoke. the  night before the service i sat next to his open coffin in the mortuary - just him and i - for most of the night - reading to him from a book i had been writing. at some point i fell asleep on the mortuary table next to him with his head under my hand. it was a beautiful time.

the service to celebrate his life was in a stunning community church - romanesque - in a tranquil setting. as a jew in a catholic country - his life was celebrated as an open space in which we sang, spoke and read together. one person suggested applause and it was like once we started clapping no-one wanted to stop - it was one of the most moving ovations to a life fully (and sometimes painfully) lived.

We should be more open about what we want, so at least you feel the person designed the day themselves. The part I hate is the ground/cremation bit. Why they have to make you watch the coffin being lowered into the ground, or sliding on a conveyor belt behind a curtain is barbaric. The whole thing should be separated from the body, don't you think?