Hello, Twilight - interesting thoughts and words, here.

How do you know what they are saying behind your back?  Is someone else telling you about it?  That is what really stands out to me - how you know about it.  Because if someone is telling you what is said behind your back, and those things are hurtful, then one thing you can do is refuse to listen to them.

Often, people who are repeating what is said about others privately are doing so to cause distress and dissent.  I don't know what might drive someone to want to cause upset - but families are full of undercurrents and feelings, aren't they?  And sometimes people say things in the heat of the moment, or in a moment's annoyance that they would not normally say - and families do tend to stress each other out.

When I realised what was being done to me by a sibling in this regard, I refused to listen, refused to give them the satisfaction of "You'll never guess what so-and-so said about...", refused to hear, did not want to know.  If so-and-so wanted me to know, they would have told me themselves.  It was hard to do, and keep doing, and the sibling was offended - but I also realised that it was done to other people in the family as well as me, by the same person, and often taken out of context and completely distorted.  And other people were being told that I said this; or said that; also - sometimes totally out of context, distorted, or the tone I had used changed completely.

Hope that you find your way through this okay - sending best wishes -

There is a book that is really quite ancient now - John Cleese and his shrink - Families and how to survive them.  I think it was one of the first things I read.

I agree with Jomo - if someone even looks like telling me gossip - I cut them off and tell them "you're right I'll never guess and I don't want to know".  I really, really , really hate gossips and gossip.  The trouble is it is kind of encouraged by all of those dreadful magazines at the supermarket that turn personalities private lives into something of significance for society when it is just gossip and nonsense.  Who coined the phrase "Cult of the personality?"

And Swon is right some families are just marked by this behaviour - you might not stop family members from gossiping but you might have some sucess in teaching them that what they have to say has no power of attraction for you.    

My family was the small one - and led by a very manipulative woman who used gossip to divid e and conquer.  It caused so much pain and damage.  My partner comes from a family twice the size of mine - but with a completely different family ethic - led my both parents - it is a much more loving group of people - tolerant - but not the manipulated behaviour of mine.

Maybe we could think up one liners for you to avoid hearing gossip.

UMxx

I guess one way of avoiding being told things is to stop the person, and say something like:

"I understand that you were told this in confidence, by someone who trusted you, and I don't want to be the cause of your breaking someone else's confidence - I know you want to share this with me, but I will feel better for you, and for me, if we talk about something else".  And quickly move to subject on to something else that they like to talk about - whatever that is. 

Or you can simply keep changing the subject - deflecting the person with comments - "Oh migosh, look at your pretty necklace!  Isn't that something?  Did you want a cup of coffee?" or if she says "Uncle Scrooge said..." you can just interupt with something like "Uncle Scrooge!  Isn't he just a darling?  I can't believe how well he is doing for his age, and you know, he is so fond of you, he is always saying how nice you are/well you are doing/etc."

Often you need to have the words ready in your head - is there anyone you can practise with?  Someone to help you with this - someone who will perhaps help you to distract the person, or even intervene?

One of my daughters is very alert to when I am feeling smothered/bothered/overcome and will simply slide into a conversation, taking it away from something that is distressing me, or deflect the person altogether so that I can gather myself, and calm down, overcome my anxiety.  She has never been asked to fill that role, she simply does it and I am very grateful. 

So maybe you have someone who will assist you even if you need to ask them, and talk about it with them?  If you are quite young, there may be assistance available to you out there - can you get counselling, or help from someone?

You don't say how young you are - can your parents help?  And as for your aunt always being your elder, that is true, and we give respect where it is due - but being older does not always mean being wiser, and respect can still be given without leaving yourself open to trouble and distress.  Do you see what I mean? - I do tend to waffle on a bit!

Cheers -

Hello Twotm,

I just wondered if you have spoken to your mum - not to complain but to ask her the question that you have posed to us - your mother must know your aunt better than you - assuming she has known her for longer.  It isn't that you must speak to your mum but it might help.

Perhaps before you start using the one liners - you could have a heart to heart with your aunt - I am keen on the line that Jomo uses above about not wanting your aunt to breach the confidence of others and that it makes you uncomfortable and how much you would relax if she didn't tell you this information.