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22/01/2008 @ 15:07 fed.up said:

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I have an 14 week old daughter and although I could never admit it to anyone, I don't feel that I love her. I have read all these stories about how you get this rush of love when you give birth well it didn't happen to me.
I don't know what to do. Is it possible that I don't love my child?
22/01/2008 @ 16:37 zorro said:

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Hi fed.up and welcome to big white wall. Also, congratulations on your baby girl :) Well, I am not a mum, but my sister is and she told me that she didn't get that warm fuzzy glow after birth either - she also told me that in the first weeks she panicked because she didn't feel love for her daughter and it made her feel isolated and alone, or that there was something wrong with her. As it turned out there was - it was called POst Natal Depression and when she was finally diagnosed with it it was a massive releif for her to know how very common it is. MAybe you should have a word with your GP about it??? Whatever happens, dont suffer alone. Have you been able to discuss this with your partner?
22/01/2008 @ 18:06 tommygirl said:

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hello there what your feeling is what most mums feel your just brave enough to admit it i have four grown up children now but all i felt was fear at first. when the fear goes the love will grow
23/01/2008 @ 05:32 winsomecloud said:

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There is nothing harder than becoming a new mom. Remember that you are probably exhausted, depleted, sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and busy just dealing with the momen-by-moment demands of your young baby. It is probably more of a myth than a reality that women feel instant love when the baby arrives. Try not to expect so much of yourself -- the job of feeding, getting her to sleep, soothing, changing her etc. is already a lot to do. The love will come, when you have more to give. In the meantime, do talk to your doctor or public health nurse (in some communities they will do home visits for new moms) about it in case you are experiencing post-partum depression. You don't need to suffer with this alone. I remember just being so scared and stunned when I first brought my son home -- I had no idea what I was supposed to do next. When they are really young, you get very little feedback from them (until they begin to look at you and smile and respond) but prior to that it can feel like you're pouring out so much of yourself and not getting much back. That too will change as the baby gets older. Take care of yourself -- that is the best way to ensure you can take care of your baby. good luck.
23/01/2008 @ 05:59 roze said:

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It is so very common as others have written to have all sorts of feelings after giving birth. I felt terribly weepy for weeks - and was rather embarassed about it - but came to realise that it was just a phase - and that i was really exhausted - with lack of sleep and continuing to work. Perhaps, as has been suggested, it is worth having a word with your doctor about this?
23/01/2008 @ 08:22 grim reaper said:

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My wife and I discussed this at length after our first child was born, because she didn't feelany kind of connection to our daughter. What we discovered was that we liked children at different stages. I love newborns, and I loved ours more than any other. As the child got turned two and then three, my wife grew to love it, even as I started to feel more distant. This cycle has happened a few times, but once you love your child, it never really goes away. it just gets harder to relate sometimes. Remember you are in this for the long haul, and the love will come. As has already been said, if you are having other symptoms of depression, see a doctor, but if you are fine, and just feeling no connection, be patient, it will come. And there's nothing wrong with you.
23/01/2008 @ 08:46 Swon said:

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Hi fed-up and welcome to the wall.

When we had our first child, over 30 years ago, both my wife and I had similar feelings but, after thinking about it for a while, we realised that the love you have for a child is like no love you have ever experienced before. It works at a whole different level and you maybe do not immediately recognise it as love.

I think the problem now, and I base this on how my son and daughter-in-law behave with their two babies, is that you are bombarded by books, TV programs, magazine articles and assorted trendy ways to raise a child and a lot of these seem to covertly tell you how you should feel. Unfortunately, we are all different as are the children we bring into this world and so you cannot compare how you feel with how maybe a friend has felt, anymore than you can compare the way two babies develop.

Ask yourself a few questions:
Would you ignore your child if it is crying - NO
Would you mis-treat your child - NO
Would you lay down your life to protect your child - WITHOUT DOUBT.

So of course you love your little one, you just maybe don't recognise it yet.

Take care and look after the little one - the most precious gift you will ever have.
23/01/2008 @ 09:21 7vicar said:

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hello fed.up - 14 weeks is such a short time to get used to a completely massive change in your life, plus there's the physical toll on your body is physically which is pretty much a battle ground for hormones right now. Do you have someone you can talk to about this? If you are uncomfortable admitting your doubts, maybe you can talk about how you are feeling in very general terms. It is okay to ask for help.
23/01/2008 @ 19:54 penny said:

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There is a lot of rubbish talked about loving your children. Lots of women don't feel anything for months. A friend of mine said she didn't feel anything like love until her daughter was nearly two, and even now I can go weeks when I secretly think my children are not very nice and I wish I hadn't had them. Just go through the motions - feed her, talk to her, wash her, dress her and cuddle her. You can't make yourself feel anything. Do see a doctor if you feel really low though. Just talking can help and they won't judge you. Take care. XXX
24/01/2008 @ 07:09 Wolfie said:

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Dear fed.up, Just to add my own small contribution to the wealth of experience that has already commented here: I didn't really properly 'love' either of my children until they were about two. Perhaps I did love them, but I didn't particularly like them or much see the point in them. New born and young babies are so needy and seem to give very little in return.
Now that my children are a bit older (7 and 4), I would give my life for them - truly!
Give yourself a bit more time, and if you still feel very low, visit your doctor as you may have post natal depression. In the longer term, I can guarantee you that you are going to love your daughter very much indeed - at some point in the future.....

Love Wolfie
25/01/2008 @ 14:06 Elle said:

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Hi Fed up! I agree with Wolfie and think that maybe you should speak to your doctor about post partum depression. It is very common. If it's any consolation after I gave birth to my son I had difficulty for the first few weeks because iwas tired and missed that pregnant feeling. Yes, it was a bit contradicting because at the end of my pregnancy I couldn't wait to deliver and get back to my body. I was also quite emotional and things would frusterate and bring me to tears quite easily. All your hormones are changing back to the unpregnant you and this can be very overwhelming for any woman. I'm sure as you begin to see the milestones reached with your child such as babbling, crawling, talking and walking you'll begin to form a very loving bond without even realizing it. Sometimes it takes time for love to grow and flourish.
25/01/2008 @ 17:42 bellax3 said:

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Hi!
This reminds me of a recent topic on the Tyra Banks show
its called pos partum depression and its actually very quite common
you should talk to your doctor about it
don"t be ashamed
youd be surprised how common it is

you will grow to love her once all those crazy hormones stirred up during pregnancy settle down

much luck and love
Bella
27/01/2008 @ 17:53 fed.up said:

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thank you all so much for your support and understanding. I am going to do as you suggest and just keep going. If it doesn't get better, I will go and speak to a professional.

Being a new mum seems to be so hard nowadays. It's like the biggest secret: how hard it is to look after a new born. So you feel really bad when you fail.

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