I have been married now for nearly 18 years, & have wanted to leave for such a long time.  The problem is that I do not want to break up the family while my children are still at home. The youngest one is nearly 13 & is close to his Dad, & I just can't cause him so much upset.

My husband has been the original 'Mr Angry' - not happy with anything from work to family life, & is so negative & pessimistic by nature, that it has ruined my happiness.  I have told him the effects his behaviour have on me several times during our marriage, & the final straw came a couple of years ago, when I felt that I couldn't stand it any longer.  I told him I wanted to leave, & he begged me to stay.

I couldn't afford to support myself then, & decided that I would stay until my son left home. However, this decision is having an adverse effect on my health - I am constantly stressed, & the children have commented on how unhappy I look.

My husband has threatened suicide if we are not together, & does not seem to realise how much he is loved by his children. I also want to stay friends with him, but he cannot see a future if we are not together. By nature I am optimistic & happy, & the way I am feeling is such a strain on me emotionally.

The biggest problem for me is that I can't see a way through the next few years, without making myself really ill with anxiety etc.  I would love to be on my own with the children, & feel very positive about being able to cope. I have spoken to my parents, & they are very supportive.

A few weeks ago my 16 year old daughter saw me in tears, & I told her a little about how I was feeling. My husband has been horrible to her for a long time too, & she understood. I do not want to load this onto her, but I want them both to know that I am unhappy, but it is not because of them.

HELP PLEASE

Hi Hollie . Welcome to the community . I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. What  I  am hearing is that  the love your children have for him is not enough for him to  reign in his negative feelings . Is there  enough love for each other for the marriage  to survive ? What else is going on his life to make him such a misery?

Without a doubt your health will suffer and your resentment grow if some resolution is not reached soon. The children must feel the tension and are  suffering .   Not knowing much about your family  it is hard to say how your husband  would  react to a divorce . Have you ever trialled a separation? Where are your in-laws? Are they supportive of the family? Do they know how  things are between you?

  If you  are not in counselling already it would be good to do so even if it means helping your husband to come to terms with your wish for divorce.

Just a few thoughts . with best wishes and hugs, Cate

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts & advice.  The root of my husband's behaviour lies in his feelings of unfulfilment in relation to his career. He spent a long time studying & had high hopes of his chosen career, but it has not turned out how he planned. This has left him with a huge chip on his shoulder & a lot of anger, which has been directed at the people closest to him.

I started to feel unhappy after our daughter was born, 16 years ago, and my feelings for him have been gradually eroded over time. I feel that every special occasion & holiday have been spoiled by him, & you just can't get that precious time with your children back again. The only way I can describe it is like a series of lights going out inside me, until the final light went out at New Year 2006.

Since then I have known deep down that I cannot love him again, but I have responsibilities to my children, & do not want to disrupt their childhood. I do not have a lot of support to be honest - my parents know what is going on but there is a limit to what they can do.  My husband's mum lives nearby, but she doesn't know about our problems.

A counsellor could probably help me get my thoughts in order, but I'm very hesitant because I would need to go through everything with them, & I don't feel strong enough at the moment. I find myself avoiding other people, because it is such a strain behaving like everything is alright. I just want to retreat into myself & be left alone.

I have imagined being on my own with the children, & in the New Year the 3 of us had a lovely day away together. I felt really happy all day, & they opened up to me more than usual.

My husband has been much better over the last few months, & seems to think I should put it all behind me, but I know I can't. He is expecting too much from me, & still doesn't fully understand the impact his behaviour has had on me.

Hello Hollie, Let me add my voice to the others.  Please do seek therapy/counselling.  I speak from recent experience.  It takes time but the relief of having another individual listen and suggest possible solutions week after week is enormous.  Gradually the burden begins to lighten and you begin to see a way forward.  It is really important to talk particularly to someone with a professional knowledge of human behaviour and thought processes. I have found the BWW very helpful too, so keep talking here as well. There is hope.  Take the first step. Be kind to yourself and take good care.  My heart goes out to you. 

Darling

My thoughts are with you, as I to am going through a similar situation, the only difference is that you know where your husbands anger is coming from, he has over time squashed any love that you had for him and it seems to have become an enourmous drain on you, I am at the moment considering a seperation, but do not know what the reaction is going to be, I too have stayed for the sake of the children but I am slowly realizing that I am an individual and need to be allowed to be a person without being put down or critisised for the smallest of things.  The children, I think will cope as they can see the situation, but i too worry that my husband wont cope. For the sake of yourself, (and you only live once) why should your life be like this? you have kept the family together and have raised two wonderful children, something you should be very proud of, but you need to think of yourself too, so please seek a councellor if you can, although I know this is not always as easy as it sounds. Best of luck XX

Hey Hollie.  Been thinking about you a bit and I hope that you are finding some clarity  in your life and maybe finding some peace within yourself. 

I've done the journey and been granted my divorce and I've got to say that I am really glad I've been through it.  When I was in the midst of it all, I hated it and lived with a knot of anxiety through my body.  But now ... it's okay and the kids are okay.  The legal system wasn't too bad, I've learnt to deal with my issues rather than pay a solicitor.  Just take it slow, ask lots of questions and read all the fine print. Yes we are rather poor and that is awful - I won't even try and put a positive spin on that one.

Having said that, I do wish my marriage hadn't failed and I envy those with strong loving relationships.  

Let us know how you are.

hey im just going to say something from a kids point of view on divorce

my parents got divorsed when i was 14,my brother was 18 and my sister was 21 if they like there dad there going to be pretty pissed off and they may take it out on you, my brother blamed my mom for divorce and hated her, he would barely speack to her so divorse is really hard and its even worse on kids just think long and hard about the kids and what would happen, before you descide anything