so the jist of this is something katy said about my seeking help.

it didn't occur to me until saturday, while at the bar with friends, when i had a major blow out/break down bc my husband's co-worker's girlfriend dutifully pointed out that i only ate half a sandwich and why was i scooping out the whipped cream from my hot cocoa? it wasn't as if i couldn't stand to gain a few pounds. it wasn't until i smacked my husband's hand away, until i realized i was crying that i really did have a problem.

 i'm just afraid i'm going to gain so much that the voice will creep back and the vicious cycle starts all over again. what then?

if i try and i fail...i try again, right?

i just have to try to get help. right?

i'm anorexic.

 which is kind of stupid considering i'm only around 120 pounds. the catch is, i don't look it. i'm not ultra skinny by any means. i don't look 'sick'. i eat just enough in a day that i don't get sick, just enough to keep people from knowing.

as for saturday, it's just...people don't know when to stop, you know? my mother didn't know when to stop calling me names. even now, if i gain a pound she points it out. if i lose a pound, she says i need to eat. it's a cycle i can't win.

and i know why i do it, i know why i restrict myself-- there are so many things i don't feel i have control over but this is something i do. i can stop myself from eating. i can only eat certain things. it's the only power i have most days.

the catch is, i know it's wrong.

i know i need to be better.

my children are starting to notice.

my husband prefers to verbally beat it into me (the importance of eating), going so far as to start a fight over it. after three years, you figure he'd learn a way around it that doesn't involve a confrontation; he knows that i am all too willing to fight for myself because i feel like there's no one who wants to fight for me. almost like there's no one who wants to point out directly what i'm doing wrong and be there through the good and the bad of recovery.

in my husband's mind, there is only one cure: to eat.

my father and step mother are aware i have a problem-- they noticed it when i was pregnant with my son but out of 'fear of upsetting' me, they never said a word. a couple of weeks ago, i sat on the phone with my step-mother and discussed 'tricks of the trade,' so to speak and how my father may know but he refuses to say anything about it because he feels it's a battle he can't win.

and my grandmother is another story entirely.

my best friend and i haven't really discussed it, but a few other friends know. they don't understand.

and i've looked for professional advice before...but it's almost a game. you do what they say to, you're allowed to go back to your life, you go back to what you were doing before. but i'm really going to try this time.

as for what's happening in my life...we found out saturday (hence hitting the bar that night) that the two girls that were 'supposedly' my husband's by his ex truly are his which led to a bunch of things running through my head, namely the child support we can't afford. the whole situation surrounding her is just unbelievable (there's no rest for the wicked). i wanted nothing more than these children to not be his just so i could feel justified in punching her in the face for all she's put us through (last sunday was the first time we saw them in a year. she would flip out if she knew). i've gone so far as to plan a million and one ways to do away with her...and i'm not really that kind of person. what complicates that is that for three years, my husband has buried his face in the sand when it comes to her, choosing to start a fight with me versus starting a fight with her.

thankfully, that's almost over.

i hope.

my children are only almost 2 and almost 4, but my daughter now eats less than she used to, using mommy as an example of why she isn't hungry. i don't think she fully comprehends it, just mimics. and that kills me.

dear big white wolf,

thank you.

i know that the support i get here or from the rest of my life isn't going to be a fix-all. but band-aids do occasionally take away the hurt, even if only for a little while. if i make friends here, i have someone who can show me that it's only a moment of temporary insanity and that i am doing the best i can, that by being in therapy, i'm doing what i should instead of what gets me by.

wow. that made me sound like i use people.

that isn't it at all.

i just need better friends in my life than what i have. you know? :)

I am here too. As for your daughter i understand that. Whilst going through a very bad time early this year i self harmed. I cannot tell you that this is so not my usual way of dealing with anything - i was truly in a bad way. One day my daughter came into the room with her hand over her arm. She did not want to show me what was there. Eventually i saw - a perfect O of teeth marks which lasted as a bruise for several days. She had hurt herself to be like mummy although there was no way she can  have 'known' how my hand got damaged. I would count that as one of the very worst moments in my life.

And then listen. Last night we were chatting in the kitchen - and i said you remember earlier this year we did something or other ...and my kid said 'yes - you were not very happy then mummy' and she looked at me with such deep wisdom and added 'but you are better now'. So long as we hold them and don't try to over-protect them and love them as best we can - our kids will get through. Look after yourself now and try not to worry about your daughter - she is just showing she empathises in her four year old way.

Have courage! And share here whenever you feel the need. Hugs.