BUT I'M JUST A LITTLE GIRL

She listens for his footsteps

As she lay in bed at night,

Her pounding heart is what she hears

Her fists are clenched so tight.

She feels his presence close to her

She knows he's by her side,

She knows what will happen next

She wishes that she could die.

He slips his hand inside her shirt

She cringes deep inside,

Her spirit's gone forever now

She crawls inside and hides.

He fondles her as she lay still

She wants to scream and shout,

What makes him do these awful things

What brought it all about?

She waits for him to go away

So she could finally sleep,

Her pillow is her comfort zone

She buries her face and weeps.

She buries everything deep inside

She mustn't make a peep,

Self esteem does not exist

Her pain is oh so deep.

Who will come to rescue her

To save her from abuse?

No-one comes at any time

Oh what, Oh what's the use?

She cries alone in silence

So that no-one can ever see,

The look of fear upon her face

She wishes she were free.

Free from all the lonliness

Free from the abuse,

Free to stand up for herself

Oh God what is the use.

She's sure it must have been her fault

To let him have his way,

With all the hurtful things he did

Day after day after day.

But who would believe her story

They would say she made it up,

Wanting to get attention

For all this stupid stuff.

She cringes as he grabs her

And presses her to him

Her mind she lets to wander

So what he's doing seems very dim.

He asks her if she likes it

What is she suppose to say?

She wishes he would hurry up

Then maybe he'd go away.

She carries this awful secret

And pretends that all is good,

She goes about her daily life

As any good daughter would.

She hates herself for what he did

To her all through those years,

The guilt she feels keeps pouring in

There are still so many tears.

Those many years of silence

Hurt her deep within her heart,

How does she manage to forgive someone

Who tore her all apart?

His life is almost over now

But that doesnt change the fact,

That he did these awful things to her

Those horrid dispicable acts.

She tries so hard to let it go

But visions they always creep,

Inside her head to play again

The pain is oh so deep.

Some days she wishes she were dead

So she could get some rest,

The awful thoughts of suicide

Way deeply on her chest.

How does she win this battle

When will it ever end?

That little girl is all grown up

There's a message she must send.

A message that he can't hurt her now

It happened so long ago,

She has to let it lay to rest

So she can move on and grow.

I am that little girl you see

Who fights this demon still,

I don't know how to stop the pain

Or if I have the will.

I pray that I will have the strength

To keep bad thoughts at bay,

To sweep them up and throw them out

It is the only way.

If I were able to erase

The memories from deep inside,

And show that little girl in me

That she need not fear or hide.

I will try my best to protect her

To keep her close to me,

To let her know our lives are one

That one day she'll be set free.

Free from all the torment,

That eats away inside,

To finally close this chapter

Of the life that she did hide.

I will close the door so gently

And throw away the key,

So the little girl within me

Will hopefully be set free.

Nipper,

That is such a powerful and painful poem, all the more so because it comes from your own experience. I cannot begin to understand what it must have been like for you and I would not insult you by pretending that I could.

However, by publishing that on this site I think you have taken a great step forward in facing up to and dealing with this dark secret. It might not seem like it right now but I think that, in time, you might come to this act as the turning point in your life.

Everyone here cares about you and there is a bucket full of support just waiting for you, just keep talking Nipper and one day soon you will turn the corner.

S1 x

Hello Nipper,

Well done. Most vividly, your poem tells me, you do care for the little girl you were because:

Gently you will close the door -

You don't want her to be frightened anymore.

I hope you see it now, it is true and the knowledge strengthens your resolve to keep moving forward.

(((hugs))) -Mebenji

Dear nipper,  thank you for sharing this poem but also for trusting us with what must be an awful set of memories.

You are such a brave and courageous woman to be dealing with this - yet I wonder if you know that.  I  expect that you don't feel either of these things and feel so much pain that you have shared here.  The power of this poem and the way that it conveys that need to hide - to dim the experience brings together all that the little girl could do so survive.  That takes a lot of guts to do.  I am really in awe of your strength of character.

I  read this poem about 9 hours ago and felt so sick I couldn't respond then - sorry for that.  Wishing you continued strength and sending you love  UM xxxxx